eating a "normal" dinner?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
eating a "normal" dinner?
5
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 3:09pm
Hi! I have a question but don't really know how to ask it without being confusing....but here it goes anyways! I've been dealing with bulimia (which i still feel in denial about)for maybe a month or so, in that I've been purging everyday (many times a day)...as opposed to just occasionally. I always figured I could stop and I guess eat fairly "normally" if I wanted to, but the thing is that I never wanted to until recently....or I never TRIED to. So a couple nights ago I had a fairly normal dinner with the intent of not throwing up (I know...gross), but after a couple minutes I felt awful about it and began dwelling on all the calories and stuff that was still inside me, and I caved. Now I can see how this may be becoming an addiction of some sorts with me.

I'm in college right now and never in my wildest dreams thought that I'd be dealing with this (I still feel like I'm over-reacting). So I don't want to get help because I'm really scared they'll think I don't have a problem and I'm just being overdramatic. But is there something that y'all say to yourselves after you eat that makes you feel okay about it...and get over the "oh my gosh...I can't believe I ate that" situation? Something positive that you say to yourself...or anything? Okay...I hope that wasn't too confusing! Good luck to all of you and thanks so much :)

~Amanda

P.S. sorry if this was triggering...i'm fairly new to this and don't really know what's considered triggering and what's not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 3:38pm

Hi Amanda,


Glad you posted and asked for help. I am sorry you are struggling and your post was not confusing at all. First I want to tell you that it is NOT normal to make yourself throw up after eating a meal, espcially a normal meal. Even if you just did it every so often (like twice a month) you would have a problem and it's a problem you need to get help for. Please don't think that anybody would say you are overdramatic and don't let that stop you from seeing a therapist.


As for the eating part, just try to start with small meals or even snacks. Ask yourself if you are eating for nourishment of your body and if you are, eat slowly and keep affirming that it's for nourishment. Keep reminding yourself that your body NEEDS fuel. If you never put gas in your car, or the gas tank had a leak,

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 3:59pm
Amanda,

You are by no means overreacting!!! That is your ED telling you that you are not good enough to warrant concern. Trust me, as someone whose ED developed early in college and grew over time, it is an addiction that develops in order for us not to have to deal with emotions and tough things in our lives. I know that every person is different, but I can say for myself that as time went on, my ED became more and more of a crutch, maybe it would have been easier had I reached for help earlier (?) I don't think anyone would think you are overdramatic if you asked for help.

Again, we are all different, but it helps me if I eat more small, healthy meals throughout the day. I try not feel too full, or else it triggers my ED to tell me everything it thinks is wrong with me. However, as I travel further in recovery, if I happen to feel "full" (and I say that tongue in cheek as I know my full is waaay different than normal people:) ) I learn to deal with those feelings rather than purging. I also try to think of as many things that I like about myself and how my ED negatively affects those traits (I find that it negatively affects ALL of them!!!) I used to not be able think of anything that I liked, however, as time has worn on, I rediscover what a good person I am.

As someone who dealt with her ED all through college (and after), my ED really messed up my experience. I am not as close to my sorority sisters as I was always pushing people away (as well as gossiping and snarking on people to make myself feel better) and I did not do a lot of the "Campus Experience" as I felt I was not good enough. Not to mention the time, money and energy I used to fuel my bulimia. I hope that this helps you...and trust me, you are NOT overdramatic!!!

You're in my thoughts and prayers!!

Jennifer

http://mattsmommy.blogspot.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 11:35pm
Thanks Kristina and Jennifer for replying. What y'all said really...I mean REALLY helped a lot. I'm sooo scared that this will become more out of control. I've been "addicted" I guess to other things through high school, but they always went away...meaning I either ran out of pills...or alcohol...or whatever. And I'm so ashamed of myself for using those things as a crutch, but they went away. And now I'm afraid that I can't "run out" of bulimia. It's always there with me. But today I took Kristina's advice and I reminded myself that my body needs food and kind of looked past the "food" part and more into the "good for your body" part. I still kind of caved during the day...but for that one time I was able to feel good about eating, and it kind of makes me hopeful that things can get better. So I just wanted to say thanks and I wish y'all the best of luck with everything.

Thanks again,

Amanda :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 2:49pm

Hi Amanda:


I was out of Town this weekend and did not see your post till today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 4:23pm

Hi Amanda,


I just wanted to affirm that it WILL get better. Just don't give up, even when things seem hopeless or you get scared. There IS a way out. Look, I did this for 22 years. I used to chain my kitchen cabinets at night and lock them with a padlock (sp?) so I wouldn't eat**. That's when I had NO junk food in the house. Now I am married and we typically have some trigger type foods in the cabinets and I rarely touch them. When I do, it's a small bite and then I stop. And I rarely get up at night anymore to eat. The times I do get up it's because I am truly hungry and then I don't stuff my face like I used to. There is so much more I used to do and there were times I thought it was impossible to ever get better but here I am. Maybe not FULLY recovered, but close to it.


Hang in there, post here often and get encouragement and feedback, go to therapy, read books, etc. But don't forget to have fun inbetween. ;-)


You made some progress already and it can continue.


**In case you're wondering - I used to throw the key out in the backyard without looking. But then I would get up at odd times during the night and go drapsing around the back yard looking for it. So I started throwing it in the front yard but sure enough, soon I was out in the FRONT YARD, at 1 AM or some odd time, in my jammies, with a flash light, looking for the key. LOL It's funny now when I think about it but it wasn't back then.

Love & hugs, Kristina


Love & hugs, Kristina