Feel out of control (trigs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Feel out of control (trigs)
4
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 12:32am
Hi, first I want to thank you all for responding to my last post...I feel bad writing another post before I reply to your posts, if that makes sense...but I just wanted to get this off my chest really fast.

I was supposed to go home to stay with my parents this weekend, but I decided just to stay here at my apartment. Really, I'd be better off with my parents in most respects...I'm really depressed (though managing ok), and I spent all of today just watching TV. I'm so ashamed of this, but the main reason I am staying is that I have gained so much weight (well, several pounds in the last week), and I want to lose it before I have to go stay with my parents, who watch what I eat and make me eat more than I want to.

But the problem is, no matter how hard I try to stop eating, or to cut back dramatically, by the end of the day I'm stuffing my face, mostly with junk food. And I tried to exercise, but felt too lightheaded (and exercise is hard for me anyway because of the fibromyalgia)...I did manage to do a Pilates tape, but nothing really calorie-burning.

I'm just so sick of the way I look now...I know you (Kristina, I think) said that it's not a good sign if my own weight "limit" is below normal...but I look at myself and do not see an underweight person by any means...I hate even going outside or seeing anyone because I feel they must be noticing how fat I am.

Oh boy, I know this must really sound like I have an eating disorder. I don't think I've accepted that yet...especially because I DO eat, quite often though very unhealthily... and don't exercise too much. My therapist has been trying to help me become more physically healthy by working with me to make a "meal plan" of regular, healthy meals... but I haven't even gone to the grocery store to get any of the food (too expensive even for the really cheap things...and I don't feel I deserve to spend money on my own food), plus I think if I have food in the house, I will eat too much. Oh well, that doesn't really work, I don't have much food in the house, and still I overeat (take some of my roommates' Halloween candy they've left out, etc.).

Argh! I do think the mild exercise today helped lift my depression a tiny bit, but now I feel I'm on this emotional rollercoaster (well, it's mostly going downwards!). I do kind of want to go home to see my parents, but I can't bear doing that when I'm so fat. And I can't tell them that this is the reason I'm not coming home right now...I spend a lot of energy trying to convince them I DON'T have an eating disorder...if they thought I really did, they'd probably watch my food even more, which I just can't deal with. Already I'm going to spend a week with them around Thanksgiving...I can just see the pounds piling on.

Sorry for such a long, negative vent,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 12:53am
I just wanted to add, I was reading a bit about compulsive overeating, and it seems like I have developed some of those behaviors too...though I'm not saying I have this disorder, since I am technically not overweight. But I am ashamed by how much I eat, and I try to sneak food away to my bedroom to eat by myself...even at my parents' house, I wait until they have gone to bed and then eat unhealthy food. Which doesn't really make sense because if they saw me eating, they might feel better about how I'm doing...I just feel they would look at me and think I'm such a pig...which I feel like I am.

Sorry for that too,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 2:11am
Hi Rosa,

I totally and completely can relate to you! I can be so good all day, eat very few calories...then at night, late at night like 10 Pm, 11 PM, oe even 11:30 Pm, I will eat something I wished I had not. And I know very well that I shouldn't...bevause my stomach always hurts the next day when I eat right before going to bed. Or, I set myself up for a binge/purge episode. I too am in therapy and I have a dietitian who has recommended I eat more normally spread through out the day. Plus lately I've had no motivation to work out. It's nearly Sunday and I've worked out only once (an hour hike!) all wek : ( And my therapist said as long as exercise isn't excessive, she actually encourages it as it boosts the mood naturally and helps regulate appetite. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself...but I too hate that I can't really stick to a low cal diet for very long (sad to say but I am secretly jealous of anorexics at times....how the hell do they NOT eat?????? I wish I could do that!!!!!). I try to eat healthy but of course the dietitian says nothing should be a 'good' or 'bad' food....I know but my relationship with food is so screwed up right now that I can't help it. I want to lose like 6-7 lbs. (FAT....NOT precious MUSCLE...which is also why I couldn't be anorexic...they lose muscle too!!!). Of course EVERYONE says I don't have any weight to lose. By no means am I underweight, but I am on the lower end of my range. OK...well just wanted to let u know I know how u feel. Unfortunate;y experts say this busy Holiday Season is NOT a time to lose weight, that we should focus on just not gaining, but I'll try to beat the odds while still staying healthy!!!!!

Cheers,

Janine : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 3:44pm

Hi Rose,


I just wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you. I know you have not accepted that you DO have an ED but sooner or later you will. Just because our weight is normal or we eat food etc. doesn't mean we don't have an ED. Let me tell you what you have been sharing:


You see yourself as fat although you are BELOW the normal weight range for your height


Despite the above, you don't want to see your parents because you have gained weight and and don't want them to see you this way.


You are trying to STOP eating or cut back DRAMATICALLY (anorexia) but then by the end of the day you stuff your face mostly with junk food (compulsive overeating).


Looking back at photos you were so thin YOU think you look sick but you FELT better (anorexia).


You have mentioned other things in the past that clearly indicate you have an ED. Remember that we don't have to fit a certain image to have an illness. Just because you are not sickly thin (although I am not sure you are not!!) or because we are not throwing up, etc. doesn't mean we are not suffering or struggling. As much as this may hurt, you have to realize that your eating beahviour, your preoccupation with your weight, etc. is not normal. The sooner you admit this to yourself AND get help the sooner you get better. If you let this go, it will only get worse. From what I can tell you are not purging and believe me it's not something you want to start. Do something now before it gets worse.


I also looked up some information on fibromyalgia. A few months ago I tested positive for antinuclear antibodies (this typically happens when you have lupus, CFS, fibromyalgia, MS, etc.). I refused to let that get me down and started doing some research. I had already changed my diet quite a bit because of other health problems but I changed it even more. EAting junk food will make your condition worse, but you CAN reduce it. This may not register with you right now, but I would at least take a look at the links below. The last one lists and eating plan that I think is incredibly healthy. When I stick to it I feel GREAT. If I start eating too much junk, I feel miserable.


http://www.mercola.com/2001/jan/7/fibromyalgia_exercise.htm


http://www.mercola.com/2002/mar/16/fibromyalgia.htm


http://www.mercola.com/2001/nov/7/fibromyalgia.htm


I hope all this helps and I am sorry if what I wrote is hard to deal with. But I feel that I need to be honest with you if I am going to try and help you. Please let me know what you think.

Love & hugs, Kristina


Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 8:19pm
Thank you, Kristina...I know it's been a while since you posted your reply to me, but I've just gotten back from a trip with my family. I have also thought a lot about your post and am still trying to figure out how to reply. But I did want you to know that I really appreciate your thoughts and support...even when I have trouble myself seeing that there is a problem.

Rose