Hi I'm new

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Hi I'm new
4
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 1:35pm
My name is Emily, I am eighteen years old and a Freshman at college. I am 5'7 and weigh 103lbs. I justed started seeing a nutritionist and will see counselor in a few weeks. I started losing weight over the summer, in May I weighed 145-150. I never used to worry about what I ate, I was mad about what I weighed, but it did not weigh constantly in my mind like it does now. I am terrified of gaining a pound. My parents just stopped me from working out until I gain weight. It is hard knowing that I cant work the food I eat off, but I know I have to get better, I am hurting my family. But when I eat more I cant stay focused on my schoolwork. All I want is to be able to eat what I want and not worry. My biggest fear is gaining all the weight back and more. I just wnat to be able to enjoy all the good food at Christmas and not be miserable. Ever since I stopped working out my stomach has felt groce and all I feel is the food turing to fat inside me, I wish that would go away. If anyone has advice or any thoughts please reply. Thank you for listening!

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anonymous user
In reply to: ees03
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 2:17pm
Hi, nice to meet you. I am ally and actually 25 today. I can understand how you feel. I was freaking out about losing the control and after 7 years, I can finally say I am feeling more human. Yes, I am gaining weight but now know I needed to to be healthy. I didn't realise, for my build and athletic status, I was too light and needed to gain. My periods had been erratic for 7 years and finally, I am getting regular again.

Weight gain is always hard, even for someone without an ED but I want you to know, it is NOT impossible to free of this and feel yourself again. I want you to know I am here for you and you can email me anytime if you don't wanna post.

xxxoallyoxxx@aol.com

Lots of Love

Ally xxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: ees03
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 6:37am

Hi - I am glad you found us. It sounds like you are going in the right direction. I don't know that I can give any advice other than seeing a therapist and you are going to do so. I also think it's great your parents know and are active trying to help, even tho the not working out may not feel so good right now. Just know that it gets easier and better after a while. Try to be patient with yourself and know that even in recovery we can have problems and that doesn't mean that you are failing, it just means you are trying to beat a tough disease and that's not easy.


Keep posting here, too, whenever you need to. It helps to get your feelings out, especially in writing, and you will get tons of support here. And here are some websites to check out for you:


www.somethingfishy.org


www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org


www.celebraterecovery.com

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
In reply to: ees03
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 5:41pm
Hi emily, my name is amber. i completely understand how you feel. I'm 19 years old and a sophomore in college. like you, i'm 5'7". after my firt year of college i gained some weight and weighed about 135 pounds. when i got home from school in may (just like like you) i started dieting and exercising more. by the time i returned to school this september i weighed 107 pounds. even though i was happy with how i looked, everyone else was not very accepting. people began talking about how much weight i lost and it became a big ordeal. at this time, i didn't realize i had an eating disorder. it upset me knowing that people were talking about me behind my back and accusing me of having an eating disorder. up until this point, i hadn't eaten any bread, pasta, or other starchy carbohydrates since may...i relied strictly on chicken, turkey, fruits and vegetables. when people started commenting on what i ate, i felt even worse about myself. i wanted to show them that i could eat whatever i wanted without being afraid and i started binging. i would go to the cafeterias on campus and eat everything i could, candies, cakes, muffins, cookies, etc. it was disgusting. i would feel so bad that i would go to the gym for hours and then go back to my apartment and cry. i eventually began abusing laxatives. thinking about food, eating, exercising, and purging became the only things i could think about. i couldn't even concentrate anymore. my laxative abuse also got so bad i began missing my early classes because i couldn't leave the bathroom. my parents had to come and take me home from college about a month ago. for a month or so now i've been seeing a therapist, nutritionist, and two doctors every week. it has been really hard. they try to give me different medications because they think that most eating disorders develop from depression, but i'm always so scared about gaining weight. my period also stopped after May and now they want to start me on birth control to get my period back. i always hear horror stories about girls gaining weight when taking the pill. i understand exactly how you feel. i just want you to know that you're not alone. like you, i know i need to eat better in order to be healthy, but it sounds SO scary. every day my parents force me to eat more and i do, but every little bite of food i take makes me feel like my stomach is bursting and that i'm so disgustingly fat. i just feel like i have two conflicting voices in my head telling me what to do: one says i need to change and be healthy while the other one is telling me i need to do whatever is necessary to stay thin. i have gained some weight this past month. at the beginning of the weight gain i was SO scared. I'm still scared, so don't get me wrong, but you begin to accept that you need to be healthy in order to be able to do all the wonderful things life has to offer. whenever i get upset about the weight i've gained, i just tell myself that i'm eating a balanced diet and exercising just like any normal person would. i also tell myself that i have already lost part of my life by having to leave college. i can't sacrafice any more. i've also sacrificed my fertility. losing your period for extended periods of time, even if hormone treatments can start it again, jeopardizes your future fertility. it's hard to comprehend that my eating habits and weight are affecting my life so much. sometimes i just feel so out of control and i don't want to get better. that's just part of recovery. recently, my hair has started falling out. that is really common after losing a lot of weight. hair loss usually starts 3 months after weight loss. have you experienced this? if so, let me know. i think i cry every day about my weight and hair. i'm sorry for babbling. i just want you to know you're not alone. good luck. you are in my prayers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
In reply to: ees03
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 10:48pm
We are very similar. I have those two conflicting voices too, i want to get better, but I want to do what I can to stay thin. I am experiencing some hair loss. I was wondering were you put on a special calorie diet at first, because right now I am on a 800 calorie diet unitl Tuesday, but I am still losing wieght. Also are you starting to eat normally again, like foods that you wouldn't eat if you were on a diet? I think that I might have to leave school because my family is really worried and I am too. Was it better when you left school? I might go and talk to some people at a place where they specialize in eating disorders because I want to be better by Christmas, I just know that I have to fight that voice in my head that is telling me I am fat. Thank you for sharing your story it gives me hope that I can get over this ridiculous problem and get on with my life.