Am I alone? (possible triggers...)
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| Sun, 11-30-2003 - 9:29pm |
well...the question above is refering to Thanksgiving. Am I alone in the fact that I threw up (purged) after feasting with family and friends? I know that I have so much to be thankful for, I try to focus on the positive, but yet there are some big issue4s troubling me. I am in a program now for my bulimia...but it seems to be getting worse. My best friend's mother (I mentioned she had cancer in previous posts, only 46) died last Sunday...I am so sad...went to her viewing last Wednesday (day before Thanksgiving). Thank God it's not my Mom. My Mom had breast cancer 3 yrs. ago at age 41. Ugh...I just feel so messed up right now...I SWORE to myself that I would not binge/purge on such a Holy day. I feel so GUILTY. So on Friday I ate 3 meals, but purged after each one. Saturday my sniffles finally turned into a stomach flu, I couldn't keep even water down. So far today I've done well, eaten 600 cals., have not purged. I feel like a blimp because I've been too sick to work out since Tuesday!!! God I feel HAPPIEST when I work out for 60 mins./day. Can't believe I haven't worked out in almost a week. I feel so out of control and FAT FAT FAT. I love all you guys, I hope you had a good Holiday. I think this whole death thing has just freaked me out. Plus so many other things...but I am trying to deal. I am probably fatter than all of you guys on this board. I should probly go on a weight-loss diet board because I am such a HUGE FAT BLIMP. I just feel like if I can lose some weight, I can get back control of my Life and show that I have discipline. Plus I am working out tomorrow, I should be all well again. Oh yeah I am 5'5" 120 lbs. (FAT FAT FAT!!!!!!!!!). Sorry to rant & rave I just feel a bit on the crappy side right now :o)
Have a nice night ladies, hope all is well : )
Cheers,
~Janine~

Hi Janine,
First I want to assure you that at 5'5" and 120 you are NOT fat. I try to focus on who people are instead of what they look like, but I want you to understand that YOUR view of yourself is NOT realistic. I know you can't see it so try to trust me on this one.
It makes me sad that your Thanksgiving didn't turn out the way you expected it to, but try to go easy on yourself. It's a tough holiday for the average person and especially for people with EDs. In addition, you just lost someone you cared about. ED is our way of dealing with life and that's why you turned to purging. Try to move forward and leave the past behind you. Today, or actually right now, is a brand new day and you can start over any time.
I also want you to read a post
Love & hugs, Kristina
I was like you once. Until for some reason I saw a picture of myself with our new baby daughter and all of a sudden I was horrified at how I looked, like a concentration camp victim. That's when I starting searcing for help.
I remember well going throu what you just just did with Thanksgiving. I could eat all I wanted and not have to worry, cause I could just get rid of it. But then it turned ugly.
I hated the day coming, cause of what I knew would happen. Wasting all that wonderful food.
I am soooooooooo sorry for the hard time you are going throu right now. Holidays were always horrible for me cause of all the food around. When they are suppose to be happy days. Isn't it funny (not really) how all our celebrations include food? The one thing we with ED's hate so much.
It's been 7 yrs now since my recovery, so some of the things I went throu are finally starting to fade in my memory. Thank GOD. But NOT all. So I don't post very often. I want to forget that time in my life. But NOT totally, because now I realize just how precious my life is and all it includes.
My prays are with you, as they are with all you still struggling with ED's. I always include you guys in my nitely prayers.
thanks so much for the uplifting, wise, insightful response : ) I believe that 'Your focus determines your reality'...sometimes I just get out of focus and kinda zoom in on 'bad stuff'. But that's true that YOU (as in you, me, and others) are the master of your destiny...and no matter what has happened to you in the past, you are responsible for your future. Ugh...there is a part of me (that is most of me), that is smart, charming, wise, optimistic...that knows I'm not fat and that knows what I really need to do is just find better ways to cope with stress and connect with my true feelings...but with the death (I'd never known anyone that died...I just feel so WEIRD about it, I can't explain it...I saw her lying there in the open coffin, I touched her...I just feel bad for my friend...), I don't know, for me it brings out that one GREATEST fear I have down to my core, my being, my soul- which is losing MY beloved mother (her mother, my grandmother, was killed by a motorcycle while crossing the street when my Mom was my age, 22...God I don't think I could cope!!!). She had cancer 3 yrs. ago (same time as my friend's Mom who just passed on), it has been gone since praise God...but I can't let go of the fear that I will lose her too soon (like next year instead of in 30 years!). And, since my parents divorced 2 years ago (best thing my Mom ever did for herself!), and my Dad can hardly support himself...and I just got a Permanent Restraining Order on my Dad (but he still has a relationship with my younger brothers, ages 16 & 12)...I don't know what I'd do with out my Mom and I am so focused on that fear it's like I'm stuck in this prison of my own creation, and in that prison, it is so painful and I am so afraid...that the small part of me comes out to make me feel better, to stroke me in a word. That little part of me that says: "If you can just work out faithfully everyday, if you can just eat perfectly, if you can just be a size 0...then you will be happy and your fears will disappear"....the one thing I am thankful for is that I now DO NOT sweat the small stuff when it comes to my Mom, I love her w/ all my heart & I'd die for her. So I cherish every day I have w/ her. Also, I am feeling really bad about the whole issue with my Dad : ( Anyway, sorry my 'Thank-you' is turning out to be a vent and a novel!!! Thanks for your support sweetie : ) You are so smart, your advice really makes a positive difference for me : ) I will try to focus on the positive...I know thoughts are powerful!!!
Have a great day!
Cheers,
~Janine~ :-)
thanks for the response : ) that's so sweet that you pray for those with ED's...I know that when I pray, I seem to do better (it is also one of my goals for the New Year to find a good Church that I feel I belong at and become a member of). I know, I hate focusing on food and stressing out about it, when really this is a time for me to cherish the ones I love, family, friends...not to worry about not eating, or eating and throwing up....I feel so guilty, because mine is such a petty worry....but it is really a worry I choose to focus on instead of focusing on the real worries....sigh...but I know I will learn to cope better (I'm in a treatment program for my bulimia right now). I just feel bad because I DO have so much to be thankful for...so why I am so worried, sad, hopeless, anxious....here I am with my entire life ahead of me (I'm 22), but I feel like the world is ending....sorry to sound depressing....see, I KNOW that what I'm thinking is absurd, but I don't FEEL it....I suppose you could say I'm conflicted. Anyway I see my ED therapist on Tuesday, and my psychiatrist on Thu. Perhaps I need a higher dose of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. OK dear, thx 4 your words of support....it's good to know that one can overcome this affliction and move on and be happier : )
Cheers,
~Janine~
Hey Janine,
I am glad you shared and vented some more - it doesn't make your note less of a thank you.
Love & hugs, Kristina
yes Praise God I see a psychiatrist (anxiety/depression/trouble sleeping/fatigue) once a month and now I am in what's called an 'Intensive Out Patient' Therapy Center for my bulimia. I've been doing that for 3 weeks and it's great. I LOVE the therapist (important because I was seeing this one therapist who was really no help at all), I LOVE the dietitian, and I LOVE group therapy!!! So nice to meet other girls going thru my situation (makes me know, as does this board, that I'm not crazy or alone!!!). Of course I get anxiety that my insurance company (God they frusturate me at times!!!) won't cover me for the time I need to fully recover, and I will relapse, but I'm praying about it.
Cheers,
~Janine~
it was good to read this msg and realize I'm not alone and that we all have challenges to overcome. I know, I kinds do the ana thing at times too, yesterday I didn't eat enough cals (600). I don't necessarily wish to be underweight, because I realize I would never want to lose my lean muscle mass, I just want to lose like five pounds, but of fat, so I know I must eat AT LEAST 1200 cals daily and keep up my 60 min. daily hike. But I am in this Out Patient Program for my ED now, and in the last 3 weeks I've lost 5 lbs...but not really on purpose!!! (Friend's Mom died only 46-cancer, stress of Holidays, financial woes...etc...). But they warned me any more weight loss and I'll have to go to Partial Hospitalization, which I don't want at all because it's the Holidays and they force you to eat a specific menu plan and if u don't finish 100% of your food they make u drinka boost (8 oz= 240 cals!!!!!). For me, I KNOW that would just make my ED worse...I'd have no control and eat food I hate, and would be going against what I am trying to learn, which is to listen to & honor my inate hunger/satiety cues. Ugh!!! I just want to be THIN...not underweight....I don't know why everybody's freaking out. Anyway though sweetie, I can tell you that ED's are not about food, even though it seems like that's the ONLY thing they're about, ED's are coping mechanisms we use to deal with the pressures of life, or feelings, or whatever....so you should ask yourself what is really eating you??? If you want to lose weight, do it SAFELY and HEALTHFULLY. Eat AT LEAST 1200 cals daily, spread throughout the day with healthy foods, and try to work in physical activity for 60 mins. 5 days a week...but don't do Ana....you'll lose muscle and wreck your metabolism. And, you didn't put on all your weight in a few weeks, and you can't lose it all in a few weeks. Just love yourself no matter what size...when you love yourself you are in touch with your body and you'll naturally go to a healthy weight. So try to face the real issue and stop harming yourself....I know it's hard, I sometimes (OK...maybe OFTEN!!! LOL) mess up and get off track, but FORGIVE yourself and keep a positive attitude. Everything is possible dear : )
Cheers and THANKS AGAIN ;-)
~Janine~