One moment destroys my day (trigs)
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| Thu, 12-18-2003 - 5:28pm |
Basically, I had been feeling slightly better (in terms of my depression) for the last day or so. That is, until an hour or so ago when I weighed myself (at the mall on their digital scale, I don't have one of my own and don't weigh myself often). The weight was so high that it sent my mood into an immediate tailspin.
I have been eating very irregularly...I worked at a temp job serving food last Thursday and Friday, and during those whole two days, I ate very little (the smell of the food got bothersome after a while, and I just didn't feel hungry because I was so busy). But then for the past two days, I have been stuffing myself, not ever seeming to get full. So I guess that is what has put the weight back on.
My mood over the past few months has been so unstable that I worry about this contributing...I have had one weeklong period of feeling really hyper and energetic, but also despairing and anxious (which has made me think I might be bipolar), and I am worried that my recently "up" mood will lead to another episode like that. During those episodes, I seem to get much more impulsive than usual, tend to think even more about self-harm, and do some silly things like drive fast on the highway at night, or without my windshield wipers in the rain...
Finding out my weight today has really added to my "bad" feelings. I know I should just not weigh myself, but I did want to know...and I already know that my old clothes are too small, and I have gotten too large. Just thinking about the upcoming holidays, and having my parents watch what I eat, and tell me I'm still too thin, is a major stressor...I haven't yet decided when I'm going home...and I'm putting it off as long as possible.
On another note, my therapist did give me the name and number of a local nutritionist who has some experience with eating disorders (she didn't use the actual term "eating disorders," and I still don't totally believe that I have one). Even at a reduced rate, though, it would be pretty expensive on my non-existent income...money is another major stressor in my life right now. My muscles are still tight and sore from my two days of working (from my fibromyalgia), but getting a massage to help would cost all of my salary for that time! So it feels like a no-win situation...and I haven't even gotten any more calls about jobs...I'm working through a temp agency right now and don't have regular work.
I am getting ready for med school interviews, though, but that's a whole 'nother story...
Thanks for listening, and I would really appreciate any advice...I know it must get tiring listening to me say similar things over and over again...and I know I am very stubborn...but I am trying to change.
Thanks again,
Rose

Hi Rose,
The board is here for you to post your struggles, whether you do so on a daily basis or every once in a while makes no difference. One thing that stood out to me in your post is that you said "(she didn't use the actual term "eating disorders," and I still don't totally believe that I have one). ". You know I am direct and honest so I will be straightforward with you. I am doing this out of love and hope that you will really here me on this. Until you yourself ADMIT that you have an ED, you will not get better.
In the past you have posted your weight and you were BELOW your ideal weight range yet you thought you were fat. You did not want to go home to see your parents because you had gained weight since they had last seen you (and you were below your ideal weight range then, too). You are posting on an ED board. And seeing your weight on a scale completely ruins your day.
Sweetie, I am sorry but those are not things 'normal' people do. You have an eating disorder. But again, until YOU see that, nothing will change and you will continue to struggle.
The good thing is that you ARE seeing a therapist and you seem to be doing things to work toward recovery. That doesn't mean all the bad feelings will suddenly go away. It took you a while to get to where you are now and it will take you a while to recover. There will be rough times, but overall being on the other side is SO much better than what you are doing now. I wouldn't go back to the way I was for anything in the world. I have so much more freedom now and my life is so much happier and I haven't even fully recovered yet.
Why not open up to your therapist completely and see what he/she says?
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina