I posted this on another board..
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| Tue, 01-13-2004 - 1:24pm |
Topic: A painful part of healing is realization
I saw my therapist yesterday. I have gained some weight and am accepting it (usually, lol). She ran off copies of a whole book for me. The book specializes on binge eating, and there is a whole chapter devoted to binge eating in anorexia nervosa by David Garner(unfortunately I do not know the name of the book, no cover or copyright pages and each chapter is by different specialists)
Anyway, I skimmed the book and read a couple paragraphs and cried and cried. I still cry when I look at it.
I didn't realize how much damage I have been doing to myself over the years.... I figured since I didn't purge it wasn't that bad. I still questioned if I "really" had a problem. I mean my weight is almost in a healthy range now... I didn't think anything of it if I ate a pizza one day and restricted how much I ate for a couple days after.
This is a hard part for me (plus I have pms right now)... The good point is now that I have faith and I KNOW it is going to get better.
Thanks for letting me vent
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Hopefully this will be helpful to someone
Hugs,
Michelle

You are so right about pain and realization. It's so hard to see what we are doing to ourselves when we are in the throws of our EDs. It's painful to realize that we are damaging these wonderful things with which God has blessed us. My weight gain has been gradual, but evident, and I am okay with that. Yeah, it's hard when jeans don't fit like they used to, but I get over it and do what normal people do--buy new jeans or cut out the dessert! I don't starve myself or purge anymore. I'm not the smallest person in a room anymore, but I am in good shape and I feel good about how I look.
What really hit me hard was looking at my Mother after entering recovery. When I was wrapped up in my own ED I did not pay much attention to how she looked--even if I did, my perception was greatly altered. Now, I see how much damage she has done to her body and how much older she looks after doing this for so long. It's painful because this is my mom and I want her around and healthy. But, I also see that I never want to look like that, and her appearance serves as a reminder how bulimia ravages your body.
I'm glad that your therapist has been so helpful and you are doing so well!! Keep venting--it feels so good:)
Love,
Jennifer
Thank you both so much for sharing and venting. I appreciate what both of you have said and it's kind of like
Love & hugs, Kristina