bulimia to anorexia and self-harm(trig?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
bulimia to anorexia and self-harm(trig?)
3
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 4:44pm
hi

i havent signed in for a long time; i havent had the time alone to do it. Here's a quick update on what has happened to over the christmas season (this is for any strange person who cares, im not expecting too many replies):

1. found out an awful fact about purging that made me stop almost that day, but as i am now pretty much an anorexic, i dont think i really ought to tell anyone; i dont know if bulimia is worse than anorexia or the other way round. Anybody got any thoughts?

2.As i said, i am now an anorexic, but hit a bump at christmas; hav pretty much got myself bak on my happy anorexic track again tonight.

3.On sunday, i had the worst night of my life for no particular reason; i had a mad frenzy and spent about 2 hrs in a very pissed off mood in my room; alternating between screaming along to music, going mad on my excercise bike and scratching my stomach into shreds; very painful to touch so ive told everyone i pulled a muscle in my tummy at the weekend. Hav had to hide while changing for sports.

To summarise, i hav gone from a vaguely sane, 'happy' bulimic, to a depressed, self-mutilating anorexic who survives on about 5 cups of caffiene a day (unfortunately, this is no exageration). i dont know why i hurt myself, but im sure ill do it again, worse than the last time. i dont want to think of myself as a weak, pathetic, snivelling weasel (which, unfortunately, is my natural demeanor, so im screwed really) cant tell parents or friend who knows bout eating issues; parents are having problems with my brother (smoking, taking drugs, not working at school-he's 18) and my friend is now a serious case of anorexia; dont know if she could cope with this when i already wont let her tell anybody about my bulimia/anorexia.

Am angry, depressed and alone.....im only 15

im screwed...HELP

lauren
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 6:48pm

Hi Lauren,


I am sorry things took such a bad turn for you. I understand your concerns about not telling anybody, but until you do you might not get better. Posting here is great and I encourage you to continue, but none of us are professionals. It would be best if you could start counseling. Look at it this way, you are slowly killing yourself. If you continue on this path you will most likely end up at the hospital and then your parents will find out anyhow and it will be much harder to deal with then it is now. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's reality. EDs rarely, if ever, go away on their own.


Until you are ready to tell someone what's going on, can you seek out some group meetings like EDA or get a sponsor online? It would really be to your benefit. And there is also a board for SI in case you are interested in getting support there, too.


Please let me know.

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 7:00pm
i want you to know that i care. i know what it is like to be bulimic and self mutalate. i did keep everything i ate down yesterday however like you i have turned to stoping eating all together. i also as i said before self harm reguluary so if you ever want to post i will respond asap.

april, age 19
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 6:00am
god, thanx for the support. it is a relief to know that someone understands what is happeneing to me (well i dont understand me, but you know ehat i mean; knows what im going through) though it does make me worry about you. if you post, i will respond asap to yours. thanx.

i dont want to tell parents (see last post for reason) or friends as i like to just forget about and have a laugh (all feelings are, btw, only on the surface, even i don't know whats going on in my heart, brain etc. i mean, where has my common sense gone?)

i found this phsyciatrist on a radio station and i e-mailed her yesterday, but the whole of england is messed up at the moment because of a bit of snow and ice; i cant get to school so she might not be at work yet to read it(too dangerous; roads too icy. not sure if this is good or bad; i now have a whole day with not much to distract me-i'll have too find some fantasy book and immerse myself in someone else's life and world for a while. at least my mum is here, so i cant really binge, but i can stay in room all day...that would probably not be a good idea in my weird mental state. i'll find some music to sing along to aswell)so anyway, this phsyciatrist hasnte-mailed back yet, and my e-mail was about three pages long, so it will take her a while to read it if for some strange reason she is bothered with some stranger. apparently ther is a helpline run by ex-ed sufferers, so i might phone that...

oh **** mum is cooking fried breakfast; must not lose new found will power, must resist...ive already had at least 4 cups of tea this morning (ive lost count) and its only 11am. new found will power seems to encourage self-harm, it did last night anyway. stomach v painful and am glad i was wearing dark coloured pyjamas else there would have bin visible blood stains. i hate myself.

i read my first post just now; it sounds sooo depressing, no doubt this one will too. oh well

thanx for all your support

god knows what i'd be doing if i wasnt on-line right now

lauren x x x

ps. that was close; mum just came in and nearly saw what i am writing...she asked me to make an apple crumble later....i love apple crumble....will NOT eat it....WILL resist doubtful; i'll prob eat most of it.... oh ****