I look like a monster
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I look like a monster
| Thu, 01-29-2004 - 6:33pm |
Well, you know how when you go to a fun house at a carnival, they have those mirrors that make your body look all distorted and strange looking...well that's how I feel everytime I look in the mirror. I've been battling anorexia since I was 14 yrs. old, I'm now 23 and want it to stop. It all started because I was going through a very difficult time in my life, an abusive father, my mom had cancer and I had just lost my dear grandma to cancer not 6 months before my mom got it. I needed to feel that I had control of my life in some aspect, so I took control with my eating. I don't starve myself anymore, well, not like I used to I haven't gone days without eating for years, but I still have the same mentallity. Always thinking I'm too fat, that if I eat A chip or splurge on a cookie I'll wake up the next day 50 lbs. heavier. It's a horrible inner battle for me, I KNOW that if I eat that cookie or even a small bag of chips I won't wake up any heavier the next day, but it's still so hard for me to really know that. I'm 5'9" and I'm 120 lbs, I know that this is accpetable, thin, but I don't see it, I can't. I can't remember the last time I've said to myself "I look good today", the best I can say is "That will have to do" My worst was about 3 years ago I weighed 95 lbs, a size zero was too big. I know that eating is a good thing for my body, that I'm not fat, some people tell me I'm pretty. But then I have this other side that screams at me when I'm hungry "Don't eat, you'll get fatter!", telling me a size 5 is too fat and I need to lose weight, that I looked so much better when I was in a zero. It's even affecting my relationship, my dear sweet BF has resorted at times to not eating at all, unless I'll eat with him. Because he knows that I'll skip a day here and there because as I say "I don't need to eat today" I want to look in the mirror and not see a horrifying monster, I want to see what everyone else see's in me. I want to eat a meal comfortably, just enjoy the flavor, not panicing about what eating will do to my body. This has been taring me up for almost ten years now, I want to feel good about myself, to say that yes "I look pretty today", to have sex with the lights on. Can someone please offer me advice on how I can take control of my mind again...please....

I totally agree with anjanettenc. Positive affirmations in general are great. I don't purge anymore or starve myself, but body image still is an issue at times, particularly during PMS. What I have started doing is telling myself I am beautiful, or that I have slender legs, etc. even if I don't believe it. Your mind is very powerful and giving in to those negative thoughts WILL produce negative feelings. I know this isn't easy, it will take time, and you won't feel instantly great about
Love & hugs, Kristina
um, ive never beenn to a therapist and i am most certainly not in recovery, but my ed is definitely less of a problem when im having a laugh with my friends or talking to ppl especially on this message board who know what im going through and have a good idea of what they can say that might actually make any difference...i also listen to them because some of them have got through their problems, they're ok now (probably still think about it, but dont purge or starve anymore)so i know they know what they're talking about...that's all the advice im fit to give really...im in a similar position to you, but i dont have the will power to even try and stop, so congratulations, im very very very very etc envious.
hope this helps
lauren x x