breakup triggering a relapse

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
breakup triggering a relapse
1
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 6:03pm
Hi, I'm Kris....28 years old. I strugged with an ED since age 11 and finally at 22 was hospitalized for a year, underweight and in multiple organ failure and dying. And I recovered. I experienced that dreaded "rebound" weight for years as my body struggled to use it's own metabolism again. It was so used to being starved that it just automatically stored every calorie I took in. But I got comfortable with my plus size and kept up with normal eating, I got back to work (I started receiving disability benefits when I was hospitalized), I got on with my life. This last year the weight started to normalize again, without me trying. Suddenly the pounds just started to shed and I'm back at a healthy weight and in a size 10. There are no scales in my house, there are no fat-free, sugar-free anything in the fridge or cupboards, but I eat healthy and work out and haven't relapsed at all and things are good.

I've been dating a nice guy for like a year and a half. Over the summer he moved to Chicago to start law school, something we knew was coming. We kept dating long distance, exclusive and committed to each other. But it was harder than we expected. Law school is demanding, he withdrew, I got clingy, he pulled back more, I clung harder. Finally yesterday we had "the talk". He's confused and feels pressured by me, he says he loves me and I believe him. I can't stand going on like this, I can't stand myself this insecure...it's not healthy. We decided to "take a break", whatever that means. /sigh I guess it means we're basically broken up with the high possibility we'll get back together. I guess we just need some space, he needs to decide where I fit into his new life and I can't just keep jamming myself in there. I need to let go.

But I haven't eaten since Friday morning :( My thoughts are starting to get disordered again for the first time in a long time...thinking that if I was a size 6 instead of a size 10 he would want me back. Weight has nothing to do with it, but I can't control the real issues....I can't make him ready for commitment, I can't make him love me...but I can lose 20 pounds, that is within my control. And so my thoughts are slipping fast and I'm struggling to eat. I'm making myself drink an Ensure Shake now as I write this, it's calories at least. I'm a frequent poster on other boards, mostly the Long Distance Relationships one. I guess I'll be showing my face more often here now as I struggle to keep myself in check.

So I guess this is my introduction. Hi everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:59am

Hi and welcome to our board. I am so glad you found us. You will get great support here from a bunch of wonderful women who can relate to what you are going through.


Your post is very inspiring and I am so impressed with your recovery. Letting go of the weight gain that can occur is one of the hardest things to do and you've done it. That also means you can let go of the weight issue again. You already know that this is just your way of controling the situation so you're a step ahead. Try to focus on your feelings, journal about them if you have time, talk to friends, and post them here if you feel comfortable. The more you are able to deal with what is truly going on, the less you will focus on your body or food.


Do you have friends or family you can talk to? Or maybe you could seek out a therapist short term, to help you deal with this breakup without using your ED. What ever you decide, I am glad you joined us and hope you will get the support here that you are looking for.

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina