Mixed Emotions...
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| Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:00pm |
The bad news is that I feel as though worry has overtaken my life. I have always been a worrier and very high strung, even since I was a very little girl. I have never been good at "not sweating the small stuff." Part of my ED was dealing with the high level of anxiety in my life. I guess it's because I no longer have my bulimia to comfort me when I feel anxious, but it seems as though I am worrying all the time. Before my u/s I was worried that the baby was not planted where it should be or that we would not see the h/b. That was fine. Now I am worried again about this spot on my breast and the biopsy that I have to have in my second trimester. I worry about whether my past ED will affect the baby and what if I've caused it harm..it's relentless. I know I need to live in the moment and not focus on these "what ifs", but it's so difficult. It feels as though if it's not one thing it's another...
I just needed to vent--sometimes my DH gets tired of all of my worries and he trivializes them, which makes it worse.
Love,
Jennifer

http://mattsmommy.blogspot.com/
Hi Jennifer,
Congratulations on your first US and I am so glad everything looks good. What a relief and joy that must be!!!!
As for the worrying, besides prayer, have you ever tried writing it down? My therapist gave me this exercise from a book called The Feeling Good Handbook. Basically you write down the upsetting event/thought, the emotions associated with it (fear, anger, sadness, etc) and your automatic thoughts (something is wrong with the baby, I will be sick, etc.). Then you figure out the distortions. For me most of the time they are fortune telling, magnification (and I am not trying to minimize your problems/worries), should statements, etc. And then you write more rationale thoughts.
It sounds simplistic, but it really helps. We get so caught up in our negative thinking that we can't see reality. And sometime trying to stop just in our mind doesn't work so well and that is where writing it down helps. Just a thought.
And of course I am glad you posted here, too. Just getting stuff out is healthy and if anybody understands, we do. Hang in there. You are doing SO great. Five months of no purging is awesome.
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
I echo Kristina-- five months is a fantastic accomplishment! You'll be in my prayers for a continued healthy pregnancy, and that your worries will be relieved.
I have never been pregnant nor even close, but I'm going to give my thoughts anyway. I can certainly relate to the anxiety and your struggle not to let it take over. Part of my impulse to worry is the feeling that if I don't, I'm going to miss something. Worrying makes me feel more alert, more aware of things that are happening or could happen, and more clever in avoiding disaster. I think all of these things can be true of worry or at least vigilance. However, worrying to the point of distraction seems to do none of the above.
I haven't had much luck trying to STOP worrying, and I think it's counterproductive. I think it's much more helpful to do the kind of exercises Kristina suggested-- letting yourself worry away, but forcing yourself to go back and respond to those seemingly impossible questions and thoughts.
Another thought is to sit down daily and write out the things that are going right for you, your health, and the baby. Or the positive things you did that day. I thought this was the lamest idea when I started doing it, but I actually find it helpful now. Sometimes I do it in the form of an after-the-fact checklist: 1) Take morning supplements and have breakfast, 2) Take shower, 3) Check e-mail, 4) Go for walk, 5) Go to Philosophy... all everyday stuff that you don't usually give yourself credit for. When I do it at the end of the day, I get to look at all the check-check-checks and think, wow, I actually did a lot! Yours will look different and could be even more detailed and more "lame": getting the mail, getting dressed, taking naps, running errands... all that stuff qualifies ;). The point is to get yourself thinking in terms of what you ARE doing for yourself and your baby, what you DO have control over, and also what you CAN do better.
It seems like the point of worry is to maintain awareness of anything that might affect your health and your life, and to be able to prevent as much bad stuff as you can. It's an inactive process-- you don't do anything, you just oversee. The things that are going well fall off the radar screen, because we don't have time to think of the "satisfactory" range-- must find flaws! Quick! Consciously picking out the positive and thinking in terms of action will help you to actually do all of the good things you can. You can let yourself worry, but force yourself to go the other direction, too-- maintain awareness of what's going right, and encourage more positive action.
One of the funny things about recovery for me is thinking about what I AM going to do if not *this* (ED). Like you said, it's strange not to have that coping strategy for your anxiety. It seems like such a void to take that out of the picture, because it has occupied such a large space in my life for so long. Part of the reason this sort of exercise helps is that seeing a list of "good" makes me see the point of doing even more good things. Worry can spiral, but self-encouragement can build momentum.
Okay, are you pepped? :P Hope this wasn't too rambly or simplistic. Seems like it's always the simple stuff that gets you, though!
Please keep up the good work and know that you'll be in my prayers.
XOXO
Starfish