(*T*)Going too far, far too far.Pls help
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| Sat, 02-14-2004 - 4:23pm |
I am ashamed to say, utterly mortified, and disgusted at myself, that I have started to binge again as regularly as I used to.
I am buying food for the binges so I can bring it up easier, attempting to control the portions more drastically.
Totally shocked that I have gained half a stone in 3 weeks, 3 weeks!!!!
Well today was the limit.
My partner bought me a g-string, I hate those evil things, if I wanted to put string up my arse, I would, I dont find it very attractive, or comfortable!
(Sorry guys)
But the damage was the sizing he chose, he bought size 14-16!!!! I am a size 8-10, not 14-16!!!
With the gain after another binge this morning, I thought no more.
I have stripped my wardrobe, all old, short, baggy, big clothes, old shoes, scruffy stuff, gone forever.
I have cleared 70% of my wardrobe, it's literally bare now.
I told myself more room for nice clothes, that a nice,clean, thin, smart and attractive person would wear, as I feel the total oppsite of those things.
I have cleaned everywhere, thrown so many things out, checked everything electronically that the batterys are 100% full, or I threw them away.
ALL OR NOTHING SYNDROME, arghhh!
Pills, oh god..I found some fibre pills today in holland and barret, £7 or £8, not sure, but theres loads of them(250)in the bottle ", and they have no caffiene, no sugar, no fat, no salt, and the best thing about them, I can't overdose on them, they are simply fibre, it says take them whenevere you feel hungry, or are tempted to snack, and have them instead of a meal.
The go ahead that I can take loads and get full on nothing!
Why do I do this? Why have been obsessing about food and wieght, and how many bones show for 4 years? Why am I so crazy and insane?
I can't stop, I'm out of control. Back on the laxies, back on the strong sleeping pills to knock me out at night if I get hungry, back on gulping down loads of diet fizzy pop, back to slimming pills, back to bulimic thoughts.
I was so upset when I went to college this week, a new student had joined I was told, I walked in and it was a girl from my last course 2 years ago, the worst of it was, she has always been slim, and I was competing with her(though she did not know it) for ages.
She was really friendly to me, said "Kate! You look so well!" I replied, thinking as normal she meant I was fat when anyone says how I look "Yes, I put loads of wieght on"
And she "yes you have".
She agreed!!!
I just wanted the ground to swallow me whole.
Emad is wanting me to stay over tonight since it's valentines and all, I know he wants sex, I just feel like a fat piece of meat to him.
Sorry to rant so much, but this is really seriously bothering me, I have been thinking about overdosing with strong painkillers again for the first time in 7 months.
I also cut myself today carefully so no one would notice, as a punishment for binging in the middle of lastnight.
Oh god, what am I doing? Please, how do I stop this?
It's again reached the point where I feel so fat that I want to seriously harm.
How long before I actually carry it out again????
I don't want to go hospital for the 6th time for godsakes!!!
Oh god I am so scared. Please, you have any ideas guys? Please? How would you get out of this?
My therapist has stopped seeing me too, the sessions stopped 2 weeks ago, the week my gran was buried, and emad got more controlling, (great timing I know).
I asked for more sessions but he refused.
Please any ideas or help, would be very very very very much appreciated all. Thankyou for reading this dumb post.
Katie
x
