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Registered: 02-16-2004
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Mon, 02-16-2004 - 1:35am


Hi, This is my first time posting here, though I've browsed through the messages many times before. I just thought Id share my experience, if ya can even call it that.

Im 20 years old, and im sooo scared of gaining weight. I don't like to eat, and when I do, i need to be alone, I hate eating infront of other people. I've pretty much admitted that I do have a problem, but I stay away from "the A word". Whenever I eat, I usually get bad stomach aches after, and kinda depressed. I feel guilty, and sometimes think that one snack will make me fat. And when I do eat....I eat everything in site. Its really wierd. I don't even know if I consider this an eating disorder. I hate the way I feel about food, but I'm scared to get help, because then ill have to gain weight. I just want someone to talk to about this, someone who understand. A friend of mine has noticed, and as talked to me about this several times, but I think it annoys him, and he just doesn't understand why I can't be "normal" He says I know nothing about dieting and don't understand what I'm doing to my body. I'm just tired of feeling this way, and tired of being a burden to those around me with this.

I guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to!

-Aeva
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anonymous user
In reply to: aeva14
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 3:20am
MY ANSWERS TO THIS POST ARE IN CAPS..........HOPE IT MAKES SENSE

Hi, This is my first time posting here, though I've browsed through the messages many times before. I just thought Id share my experience, if ya can even call it that.

Im 20 years old, and im sooo scared of gaining weight. I don't like to eat, and when I do, i need to be alone, I hate eating infront of other people. I've pretty much admitted that I do have a problem, but I stay away from "the A word".

YOU KNOW. I DID EXACTLY THE SAME. IT IS THE SAME FOR MANY PEOPLE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. THE FACT YOU ARE ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM IS THE FIRST AND MOST POSITIVE STEP. I KNOW FOR ME, I WENT THRU THERAPY AND EVERYTHING BUT STILL DIDN'T LIKE TO SAY I HAD AN EATING PROBLEM. ME, I WOULD NEVER HAVE BULIMIA OR ANOREXIA.........NOT ME! NOW LOOKING BACK, I THINK I PROBABLY HAD BULIMAREXIA WHICH IS A CROSS OF BOTH. I ATE, YES BUT WHEN I DID I WOULD EAT!!!! and when I DIDN'T, I DIDN'T!! I WOULD EXERCISE TO COMPENSATE THIS TOO. NOW, I CAN SAY, YES, I HAD AN EATING DISORDER, YES I WAS ADDICTED BUT NOW, I AM GETTING FREE AND IT IS THE BEST RELIEF EVER



Whenever I eat, I usually get bad stomach aches after, and kinda depressed.

SOMETIMES WHEN YOU DON'T EAT, YOUR STOMACH BEGINS TO SHRINK. IF YOU ARE HUNGRY, IT WILL EAT AWAY AT ITSELF AS A WAY OF COMPENSATING. WHEN YOUR TUMMY SHRINKS, IT OFTEN MEANS THAT WHEN YOU DO ACTUALLY EAT SOMETHING, IT IS SORE BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T HAVE THE ROOM. DO YOU OFTEN FEEL THAT IT DOESN'T DIGEST RIGHT AND SITS HIGH IN YOUR STOMACH?


I feel guilty, and sometimes think that one snack will make me fat. And when I do eat....I eat everything in site. Its really wierd.

NOT WEIRD AT ALL, I WAS THE SAME AND STILL SOMETIMES AM. YOU TRY SO HARD TO BE GOOD, THEN EAT SOMETHING AND GET A TASTE FOR IT AND BANG!! YOU CAN'T STOP...........ISN'T IT HORRIBLE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE...ITS IS A WAY OF COPING WITH YOUR EMOTIONS. IS THERE SOMETHING UNDERLYING?

I don't even know if I consider this an eating disorder. I hate the way I feel about food, but I'm scared to get help, because then ill have to gain weight.

BOY, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW ALIKE WE ARE...........I WAS ALSO THE SAME IN THIS AREA. I USED TO STRIVE TO REACH A GOAL WEIGHT WHICH NOW I KNOW WAS UNREALISTIC. THIS IS SOMETHING IAM STRUGGLING WITH RIGHT NOW. FROM MY LIGHTEST, I HAVE GAINED ABOUT 14LBS OR SO. I HATE IT BUT KNOW THAT TO BE HEALTHY I NEEDED IT. MY PERIOD WAS VIRTUALLY NON EXSISTENT FOR 7 YEARS AND NOW, I AM AS REGULAR AS CLOCK WORK. WEIGHT GAIN IS HARD BUT YOUR BODY WILL STABALISE WHERE IT IS MEANT TO BE. I HATE TO SAY IT BUT IF YOU ARE STARVING YOURSELF AND HAVE ERRATIC EATING HABITS, WEIGHT GAIN IS MORE LIKELY TO HAPPEN THAN NOT HOWEVER, THE BIG PROBLEM IS, YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THAT BEFORE YOU EVEN ATTEMPT IT.

I just want someone to talk to about this, someone who understand.

I UNDERSTAND MATE AND AM HERE FOR YOU ANYTIME, IF YOU WANT TO EMAIL ME, PLEASE DO. I AM AT XXXOALLYOXXX@AOL.COM I WOULD LOVE TO TALK MORE WITH YOU COS WE SEEM SOOOOO ALIKE.

A friend of mine has noticed, and as talked to me about this several times, but I think it annoys him, and he just doesn't understand why I can't be "normal" He says I know nothing about dieting and don't understand what I'm doing to my body. I'm just tired of feeling this way, and tired of being a burden to those around me with this.

I guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to!

UNLESS YOU SUFFER YOURSELF, YOU DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND THE THOUGHTS, THE FEELINGS ETC. IT IS TOUGH FOR SOMEONE ON THE OUTSIDE BUT WE ARE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU, COME AND POST ANYTIME. GO EASY ON YOUR FRIEND, HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH IT AND DOESN'T SEE WHAT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT. HANG IN THERE AND KNOW THERE IS PEOPLE THAT CARE AND ARE HERE FOR YOU..............

WE UNDERSTAND, LOTS OF LOVE

LISA AKA ALLY XXXX

-Aeva

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: aeva14
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 6:43am
I have had an eating disorder since I was a child – I am almost 50. It has taken different forms throughout the years. The latest is bulimarexia. Though I don’t want anyone to have to suffer like I have, it is comforting to know that others are/have been there and know the vicious cycle.

I started to go to therapy, again, in December to begin recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and other disorders that have attached themselves to me because of this. I knew I had a food relationship problem, but to call it an eating disorder? I study everything I can on nutrition and generally eat healthy, when I eat. And, when I eat, I count every calorie. Of course, there are the binge cycles when I stuff myself because I can’t stop eating – like this weekend I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and 8 avocados (guacamole). Today, I am feeling guilty and worried that I have gained weight so the starvation and exercise cycle begins so the extra calories will burn off.

Until recently, I didn’t know that my eating disorder is an addiction; turns out it is one of many that I have. All these years I have tried to “manage” it through nutrition education and weight management, but in the end it has always won. Why? Because I was attacking it the wrong way. It has become an addiction. In order to rid myself of this vicious cycle, the root of the problem needs to be eliminated. Part of my therapy is learning how to take control of all areas of my life so that I don’t feel out of control; so I don’t feel that at least I can control one thing – eating. I am learning how to express my feelings in an appropriate way. This is not easy, but I want to be free of the control that the eating disorder has over me. Ironic, isn’t it? This disorder started because, as a child, I felt I could control only one thing in my life – eating; and now it actually has control of me.

I suggest you go to therapy. A therapist who will listen to you and not “force” you to do something you are not ready to do. Even though I “know” what my problem is, I am not yet to the place where I really “want” to be totally free. I have not yet changed my body image in my mind. I still FEAR getting fat. Though we talk about the eating disorder (she can see that I have lost weight since she has known me), there is no pressure to give up the addiction. I have found someone “safe” to help me. Who will walk through recovery with me.

My friend is also concerned about my eating habits and has agreed to join my therapist as my accountability team. They do not pester me about “what” I am eating, but they will ask me if I am eating appropriately, like “Am I eating at least three times a day at the same hour?” I have not yet achieved doing this every day (I just don’t feel hungry), but I am closer than I was.

I encourage you to use all the resources available to you – therapy, this board, books, groups, supporters – to help yourself escape this trap while you are young. Don’t wait until you are my age and have all the years of regret that also have to be gotten rid of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: aeva14
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 10:44am

Hi Aeva,


There is really not much I can add to what Ally and light have already told you. I do want to ease your mind about getting help. I have been to several therapists but none of them have ever made me gain weight. Nobody can force you to do so. If you are underweight, it would of course be good if you do go back up to a normal weight, but again, nobody can force you to do so. Talking to a therapist is so helpful when recovering from an eating disorder. I know, you are probably uncomfortable admitting that you have one, but you already have admitted that you have a problem. That is really the hardest thing.


You need lots of support, not just from a therapist but from friends, family, and this board, too. Post here when ever you need to and someone here will be able to relate, understand, and associate with what you are going through, and then they will have hope and encouragment for you.

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: aeva14
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 6:46pm
Aeva,

You are not alone! This is actually my first time posting on this board. I struggled with an eating disorder in the past (about 12 years ago when I was 16/17) but it's amazing how it never really goes away. I had it under control for about 12 years but I feel it creeping up again as I become obsessed about my weight again lately. I know it's because I'm a "perfectionist" (not a good thing) and strive for the perfect body and life. I too think that one bite of a "bad" food will cause me to gain weight. I often feel like I imagine an alcoholic feels where I can't have ONE BITE of a "bad" food or I feel it literally overtakes me and it's all I can think about. I know I can't have one bite or I become out of control. My mood of the day is completely determined by what the scale reads in the morning. I feel a bit out of control with this obsession. I know I am thin and I don't need to lose weight but I am terrified of gaining weight! What helps is to eat good and healthy and stay in control of portions- then I don't feel guilty. I also cannot allow myself to feel full. I HATE the feeling of being full - it makes me so depressed and angry with myself! I work out at least 5 days a week and that helps me feel more "in control" too. Thanks for sharing your story - as you can see you are not alone! I may be visiting this board more to help others (hopefully) and help myself!

Kingsley