Help!! Trying so hard....
Find a Conversation
Help!! Trying so hard....
| Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:45pm |
I have been suffering with this eating disorder for about 25 years. Most of that time my weight was about 45 lbs less than it is now and now my weight is close to normal-about 5 lbs under. I know that I am getting better but I still restrict and binge/purge. I have gotten the binging/purging down to about 2*/week and have recently started prozac to work with the rest of the impulses. I am so scared to let "it" go. In order to maintain my weight I feel I need to starve or purge. When I stop, my weight immediately "jumps" about 5-6 lbs and I can't handle it. Everyone says that if I "let it go" that the weight will adjust and I will be fine but I am scared. Has anyone ever gone through this part of it? HELP!!

Hi Amy,
I can't totally relate to putting on several pounds if I let go, etc. but I know the struggle of letting go in general. I have stopped bingeing, purging, and starving myself, but I still do count calories. It's not so much that I am afraid of gaining weight (well, a little) but I still want my legs to be slightly leaner. So I try to control it and it's just sheer madness. Your body may be putting on weight initially because it fears you will starve it again. After some time, and I know this is scary, your weight should settle at a 'set point'. Now, if you are still underweight, your body may just want to stay a little higher than you are now.
The best advice I can give you is to keep fighting, work your recovery with all that you've got including therapy, group sessions, books, the 12 steps and slowly but surely things will get better. It is important to let go of trying to control every little bite of food you eat. Your body needs fuel to keep going. I know, easier said then done.
Here is a post I saw on another board that I thought might help you. This woman was responding about counting calories. She is a recovering ED person and it sounds like she went through some of what you are going through. I thought it was a great and encouraging post and I hope it helps you somewhat.
Please keep posting, too, and let us know how you are doing!! And here is that post I was talking about:
Oh yes, I sure did count calories when I was in starve-mode and I was pretty mean to myself about it when I did. I loved to keep my calories down to 700 calories or maybe 1000, if I was being nicer to myself I would allow 1200-1500 calories. 1200-1500 calories may not seem like a starving amount, but: I am 5'9"; I have no car and walk everywhere; I always take the stairs instead of the escalator; I workout atleast 3 times a week, this includes martial arts; and in general I am not one to sit around too much unless I am studying or at work.
To get past the calorie counting, first I had to put down the fitness and health magazines. Their recommendations for calorie consumption didn't work for me and reading those articles made it more difficult for me to march to the beat of my own drum. My favorite magazines tend to tout the drum of the average woman who is smaller and possibly less active than I am. I was struggling so much(very scared and depressed)that I knew I'd need all the help I could get professionsally. During my first 2 months of recovery I was working with three different doctors that specialized in eating disorders. They all told me the same thing: eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. They also had me keep a food journal, so I could see patterns in my appetite. I wrote down what time I ate, what I ate, what level of hunger I was experiencing and what level of fullness I felt afterward. This really helped me learn when I should eat and not to eat until I was overfull. After few weeks of giving my body exactly what it asked for, I saw the quantities I ate and urgency of hunger that I experienced decrease.
Eating when hungry was a very scary prospect for me at first. It seemed to me that every time I gave myself a little wiggle room I binged (while I was still starving). I thought I would never stop eating given that much freedom. Now, it is true that for the first 2-3 weeks I did eat more than I do now. My doctors told me that this is just part of the repair process my body needed to go through. Oh god, it was so hard to keep going while gaining weight, my worst nightmare. I was scared, probably a little depressed and I cried nearly every day. But in time things started to get better....slowly, but surely. I started seeing my health improve first and then a little bit later the weight started to come off.
To keep myself on this path I keep in mind a few things. Though I am not as thin as I'd like, I cannot trade my health for a dress size. After I started eating again so many obnoxious health problems just disappeared. I cannot give up clear thinking and my abundant energy for a dress size either! I used to be so crabby all the time and it was very hard to me to even follow a basketball game on TV...now I'm back tutoring my friends in Calculus. Remembering how it was and how much better it is now keeps me going. I hope that I will keep losing weight, but I cannot say if the weight that I settle at will be what I dream about as ideal. Letting go of the dream is painful and stills scares me to this day, but it's at those times I remember what's really important: I am healthy. I have more energy. I can think so much more clearly. I am friendlier and less bitchy. My body is strong and can kick some serious butt!! (kickboxing hehehe) I have family and friends that care about me no matter what size I am. My GPA is hot and I cannot wait to start my career. Yay! You may have already realized things like this about yourself, but if you haven't it yet, it is a wonderful thing to get to know yourself again.
Now hang in there! When you recover, you move from a life that is focused on food, starving, workingout, etc.. to a life that is focused on life: relationships, hobbies, career, interests, health. It's very painful and it's not easy, but it's so rewarding.
I know your health problems aren't making things any easier for you. But your health problems only become more complex when you don't take good care of yourself. The amount of calories you eat may or may not be enough for you. You have to evaluate how good you feel...Are you always tired or crabby? Are you craving more, especially high fat or calorie, food? There are doctors, psychiatrists and social workers that specialize in eating disorders that can help. I prefer to work with people who specialize in eating disorders, since many of my past doctors couldn't give me any better advice than to eat more and exercise. There's just so much going on when you recover that these pro's can help you get through the mental and emotional stuff as well as the physical stuff that atleast my general doctors couldn't get me through.
Geezz..this post is getting long...but I have one last point. Bear with me. :) I used to have a similar problem with fruits and veggies. I blew up and felt gross all the time, but my problem was that was all I ate. I was still stuck on "safe" foods and didn't allow myself enough dairy, grains and yes, fat....and my body was sending me messages that something was wrong. Of course, this may not be your problem at all, but I just thought I'd put that out there.
I hope my long, rambly post helps you in some way. I know how hard it can be (and still is sometimes), but in the end it is worth it. Hang in there...and if you need someone to cheer you on in the future send me a message.
Ciao!
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina