burning out... [trigg?]
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burning out... [trigg?]
| Thu, 02-19-2004 - 12:40am |
i feel like i'm dying. i'm not able to do anything. i'm lethargic, drained, & even look like death. "i want to have control. i want a perfect body. i want a perfect soul." -(radiohead). and that's exactly what i want. i don't have control over anything right now. i'm not able to do my school work, i get stressed out thinking about which career i want & how it's going to take 6 or 7 years to complete if i take the courses at the rate i am. but if i try to handle more and do it in 5, i overload. yes, i want the perfect body. so bad. i feel so obese right now. my weight is crazy, in the morning i weight 5lbs less than i do at night. and by the time evening comes around, i gain 5 lbs! some days i don't eat a thing, for several days even. and then i'll pig out on everything bad for me. i eat chips, hot dogs, chocolate icecream, and i can't stop myself. then i look at my stomach and it is so bloated i feel wretched that i just ate huge amounts of bad food and i look like i'm 4 months pregnant! and then i say bad girl tsk tsk and then i starve myself for another few days. even though i feel like throwing up what i just ate (really badly) i just can't. i've tried so hard to too. so i don't even know even if i have an eating disorder or what it would be called. maybe because i'm so messed up, it's something totally new, and there's no help for me at all. last but not least, the perfect soul.... i think i'm rotten, and i don't deserve to live. i know i shouldn't be so harsh on myself (physically & mentally) but i am. i demand too much. and i never get anything right. so the possibility of having a perfect soul is a pipe dream. i feel like i have nobody that cares about me. (oh my gosh, i'm crying as i'm writing) & i feel that i have no one in the world i can turn to. oh my gosh, guys i'm so upset. and... on the brink of the brink... of ending everything. there's really no point. i'm doing everything i don't want to be doing. nothing makes me smile. it's such a shame. & i'm so sorry... love, lauren

Hi Lauren,
You are not alone Sweetie. All of us here can relate to what you are going through and there are more women than just us struggling with the same issues. Here is part of what you wrote:
"so i don't even know even if i have an eating disorder or what it would be called. maybe because i'm so messed up, it's something totally new, and there's no help for me at all."
Well, you do have an eating disorder and it really doesn't matter what it's called. If you starve yourself for days then binge, that's not normal and it's nothing new. It's normal to eat several small meals throughout the day because your body needs fuel to keep running. So let's forget about what your ED might be called and focus on getting better. You do need help and help is available. Ideally, you should be seeing a therapist and it would help if you joined a twelve step group like www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org. I would also encourage you to post more often on this board and get support from the other women. This disease will not just go away on its own, you need to work on getting better, but the good thing is you CAN recover. I remember feeling just like you do and doing the same thing - going from days of starvation into a full binge - and now I don't even want to starve myself anymore. The desire is completely gone and the same goes for binging/purging. If I can do this after 22 years, so can you. But you have to want to.
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
I am so sorry that you are in such a bad place right now. I know the agony of dealing with an ED and trying to stay afloat in college. I know it's difficult, but try to take a deep breath and process things one at a time. I had all of the same fears as you...career choices, comparing my body and looks to others, questioning my worthiness...and I made it through with a master's degree!! I think that colleges put too much pressure to choose a major right off the bat...I changed mine several times and only graduated a year behind. I was lucky that my parents could afford it. Anyway, might point is that if I can do it, anyone can.
I really like what Kristina said about being able to get help/better but you have to WANT it. I floated along for nine years knowing what I was doing was unhealthly, hating myself for my actions, wanting to be "normal" but not wanting to let go of my ED, addiction to food or "perfect" body. Only when I reached rock bottom did I change...my life and attitude have been changing for the better every day since then. Oh, I still have body image issues, but I am dealing with those and learning to appreciate what I have been given. And to take care of what I have been given...we only get one chance with our bodies. Turning that over to God has been such a relief!!
You are in my prayers, sweetie.
Love,
Jennifer
That feeling of being overwhelmed with EVERYTHING! The guilt, condemnation, judgment, self-hatred, depression, and wanting it to all end – permanently. (Have you checked out the Suicidal Thoughts ivillage board?)
I believe that therapy would help. To have someone to talk to about your feelings helps. I know this from personal experience.
But all the therapy and self-help books and tapes won’t help you if you don’t WANT to be helped. I believe you have at least a glimmer of “want” or you would not have posted. I encourage you to find a therapist.
I also encourage you to continue to be part of this community. Help us to walk with you on your journey through recovery – the good and the relapses. I would be honored to be part of your journey.
You sound like me when I was in college 8 years ago... Can I ask some questions though...
What is you social life like?
What is your love life like?
What are your friends like?
What are your grades like?
I ask these things because when I had similar feelings it was because I based my WHOLE self worth on my weight and what I looked like. I didn't care about grades because I was so consumed with my weight/looks but then when I got bad grades I hated myself. (I didn't connect - gosh I got the bad grades because I never went to class and partied too much and drank too much and never studied!) I did drink too much to try to block out the negative thoughts running through my mind... I dated too many boys to try to get some postitive attention from ANYONE... my friends all partied and I partied and my life had NO PURPOSE. All my attention was focused on me and how I felt and wanted to feel. The only control I had sometimes was with food (or being able to restrict food.) Anyway... that was my situation... I have learned (and am still learning) since then... you will find support here... let us know what else is going on and we can help more. Positive thoughts and prayers are with you...
k