Just venting.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Just venting.....
5
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 1:55am


Hi all,

I just need to vent!! I hope you don't mind.

I'm just soooooo stressed with school (college) and working, and everything else that I feel like I Have NO control over anything anymore. I've been so stressed that even when I do allow myself to eat, I just feel sick to my stomach. Most of the time I dont even get hungry anymore. I know this is kind of gross but if I eat, within 10 mins I have to go to the bathroom. Its like Instant digestion or something... has anyone else experienced this. Is this stress, or the ED?

Anyway...Sometimes I think about how great it would be to think normal and not be so mean to myself, but then i think that if I get better not only will i gain weight, but i'll lose some attention. See, I always feel like no one really cares for me, and the things ive gone through in my life often make me feel that im just the kind of person that people cant care about. So, when I talk to someone about my ED (only a few people know) and they show me that they are concerned, it makes me feel like someone cares about me. How messed up is that?

I just wish I was normal!!!

-Aeva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: aeva14
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 5:59am
Hello everyone,

This is my first post- my first visit period. I was struck by what I read, especially "venting". Lack of control is definately my dilema. I have been taught that I never really have much control over most things outside of myself in life. So why do I respond by trying to gain control over something (my body, weight, body-image) in such an unhealthy way?! I have been suffering from my ED for nearly 10 years now (wow, that is so long!), and I now know that it is an attempt to feel in control. What gets me is that the more I binge/purge and restrict, the more my weight is in control- sort of- yet the more everything else gets out of control. And if I let up on obesessive eating habits for even a day, I feel out of control again of the one thing I did have. What a cycle!!

I have had long periods (several months at a time)of semi recovery, where I was really only restricting; but the obsession and great fear of gaining weight never left. My pregnancy was the worst! I hated what was happening to my body. I spun way out of control after delivery and haven't been ED free for more than a couple of months at one time since then (3 1/2 years ago).

Lately, my digestion has been doing strange and painful things. I can relate to the "instant digestion"- it happens to me all the time. My mother and sister both suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), and my mother thinks this is what is happening to me. But, she has no idea the extent to which I still binge/purge. Having heard others with both ED and this occurance, I don't know anymore. I DO know that all the digestive trouble makes my willingness to eat well or at all slip away. Another painful catch 22.

Anyway, I'm glad to know there are others out their sharing to heal. I don't know how it can help, nut I know other programs are based on that very thing- mutual suffering, sharing, and striving to heal- and sometimes it's the only think that works. It can't hurt. I do that to myself. I wish you all health and recovery.

Charlotte

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
In reply to: aeva14
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 1:38pm
aeva, hi... i'm not sure if your instant digestion is related to stress or not but i experience the same thing. it's horrible. especially if i eat anything spicy or (heaven forbid) greasy. and (now to get graphic... sorry) my bowel movement isn't even normal either, it's painful diarhea and always cramps my stomach too. does that happen to you? ugh, and the worst part is anyone who i ate with thinks i'm going to throw up because it's like 2 seconds after i finish eating! *sigh* well, i just thought i'd let you know that i experience that too and don't feel so alone. i care about you. if you want to email me to vent or chat or whatever my address is: frozen_phoenix@msn.com take care, love, lauren
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: aeva14
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 6:55pm

Hi Aeva,


I am sorry you are struggling not only with emotional issues of the ED but physical ones as well. The bowel movements after eating could be ED related, they could due to stress, or it could be IBS. It's definitely worth going to see a doctor. Here is a common misconception though, it is NOT true that you cannot cure IBS. It is simply a result of either candida, too much bad bacteria versus good bacteria, or parasites. All those can be cured.


I also understand your fear of weight gain if you are 'normal' but that is not the case. When I finally allowed myself to eat regular meals (I eat 5 to 7 small ones per day) my body was leaner and and healthier than ever. Right now I DO have parasites and that's causing all sorts of problems, but before my health started going down hill as a result, I could eat a lot of calories with less exercise than in my active ED days and stay very lean.


And you have great insight - you said you are worried that you'll lose some attention or nobody will care about you if you don't have your ED. That's great awareness. A lot of people with EDs don't know why they hang on and have to try and figure it out. There may be more to yours than that (or not) but this is a start. Can you see a therapist and discuss it with him/her?


Let us know if you decide to go see a doctor.

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
In reply to: aeva14
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:11am


Thank you all for your replies. I want to go to a doctor and I want to go to counseling...I just have to find it in me to actually go. I have my good days were Im determind to get better, then I have my bad days where im determind not to eat. I just need more good days!

Aeva
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: aeva14
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 4:55am
I know that it is hard to make the first step – to call for an appointment. I was aware for months that my problems were causing me to sink farther and farther into the mire. Your awareness is great, but now that you are aware, the question is, do you WANT to change? Do you WANT to be healthy and not have the physical symptoms?

It took a major physical crisis to happen to me before I actually made the call. It took a LOT for me to go that first day. In fact, I called and left a voice message canceling the appointment and then I called back later and talked to someone to reinstate the appointment. For the next few weeks, they called me the day before just to make sure that I would come in. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 months and, at times, I still almost cancel the appointments, but I haven’t.

And, you wonder, has it helped? I am to the awareness stage, like you are. But I have not changed my behaviors, yet. I am still in the ED cycle. But I am accountable for my eating to both a friend and my therapist. They don’t nag me; they talk to me and encourage me. We have talked about the attention and we are still trying to figure out the best way to handle it. I was told that it is “negative” attention I get from ED. They assure me that when I am recovered from ED, I will still get “attention”, but it will be “positive” attention”. I am still processing this; one reason I haven’t given up my control of eating.

I encourage you to see a doctor who will ease your mind about your physical symptoms.

If you want to recover from ED, I encourage you to see a therapist who will walk on the road of recovery with you. Be accountable to someone regarding the appointments -- even if it is to this community because you have no physical person that you feel can help you.

I encourage you to continue to post and be part of this community. It is comforting and encouraging knowing that we are not alone in this battle and that there can be success.