guilty and scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
guilty and scared
4
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 6:09am
I feel so terrible now. I could not control myself and stuffed myself till bursting point during dinner. I practically ate almost every dish on the table. Then not able to imagine the thought all of that "unhealthy" food in my stomach, i excused myself and went to the toilet and purged it all out. My mother became suspicious and she came to check on me. She happened to overhear and she was really worried and shocked and questioned if i was bulimic on top of being anorexia. I was so caught on the spot i vehemently sweared i wasn't. I mean purging like only once a week when i lose control can't be, right? I can't believe i lied to my mother. Now believing that i didn't vomit after seeing me eat so much for the first time in weeks, my mum thinks i've started eating normally again and she's overjoyed. My life is so messed up. I don't even dare to touch oily food. I really want to go back to normal and gain weight. I know my body looks horrible and i'm all skin and bones. I'm also often tired. But i really don't have the courage to eat for fear i'll gain too much weight. All i'm eating is bread these days or a small bowl of cereal or fruits. I just can't bear the thought of eating too much food and having them inside me... what should i do or eat? i'm really alone now.. I hope somebody could give me some advice.. thanks.. Plus I have a strenous 5 day outward bound camp in a week,and if i am not strong enough, i'll think i'll faint through the course.My mom's forcing me to take cod liver pills but i don't dare to because of their dense energy content.. will taking the pills really help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 7:13pm
Once a week purging IS too much. It is doing damage to your teeth, stomach, throat...When I went through my ED I was mostly anorexic but when I DID eat I would eat "to the bursting point" and purge it all. I can control my eating now for the most part but I HATE that feeling of being full. If I ever feel "full" all I can think of is getting rid of it! I know how you feel! All I suggest is what helps me... I know my body well enough to know that if I eat more than 400 calories in one meal then I will want to get rid of it... so I try to stay 400 or less. (You'll have to pick your own number that you know you can't go over that or you'll feel full.) I also want to overeat and snack (binge) when I get bored or anxious or stressed so I try to get myself out of the house to do anything - even if it is running up to the drug store to look at the new makeup or magazines or something! I'll tell you too... a big motivator for me in STOPPING my ED is becasue I could not stand lying to my family. I felt/feel so guilty in all the secretiveness of it...

k
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:48am
thanks so much for the advice! I'm going to try just that. It feels really horrible lying to my family and i feel really upset for shouting at them sometimes when they persuade me to eat as i get so irritated and cranky easily due to not eating much.I know that my family cares greatly but i just get so angry when they keep asking me to eat. And it usually ends up in a shouting session. haha... This ED is messing up my whole life. I don't even like foods which i used to love in the past. SOmehow, they have lost all their appeal as i can imagine the fat accumulating in my stomach upon eating those foods. Also, my metabolism is totally messed up. is there any way to stabilize it again? Arg!! I feel so confused!! It's like i know all the dangers anorexia can lead to and i'm terribly afraid of osterporosis but i just bring myself to gain weight. Seeing just 1KG of weight gain freaks me out and i feel so upset after that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:03am
Hello Snow Puppies,

When I read this, I have to say it brought back a flood of emotions. I am now 36, and started my journey of eating disorder when I was 16. I've had it all. Anorexia, bulimia, and have tried laxatives. Everything to not gain weight. I am happy to say that I do not "practice" the same methods anymore. I've completely stopped, and have not done it in about 4 years. You will get through this, but not alone. Your mom probably in her heart knows you are still binging/purging, or eating very little. It to me, was not that I knew I looked thin, because I did know it. It was a lot of pressure in my life, and loss of control in my life that kept me doing it. And I have to say the attention when everyone noticed how thin I was kept me doing it. At some point, especially when you're in a public restroom throwing up, you get to a point where you look at what you're doing and decide you don't want to do this anymore. That's the first step. Step 2....the harder part. Finding help. With someone who really knows what they're doing. I will be honest, some of the "help groups" made me worse, but then there are people who care and can help. At John Hopkins in Baltimore, there is an eating disorder group that is wonderful, but if you're not in that area, there are places all over the US. Please, please, please decide to stop. It's a hard journey, but 2 beautiful children later, I'm glad I stopped, but the thought is never far from my mind. It's an everyday battle even now, but it does get easier. There are people who care, and will get you through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:47am

Hi snow_puppies,


There is really not much I can add to the other two replies you got. I so agree with both of them. If you can, do open up to

Love & hugs, Kristina