guilty and scared
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guilty and scared
| Sat, 02-28-2004 - 6:09am |
I feel so terrible now. I could not control myself and stuffed myself till bursting point during dinner. I practically ate almost every dish on the table. Then not able to imagine the thought all of that "unhealthy" food in my stomach, i excused myself and went to the toilet and purged it all out. My mother became suspicious and she came to check on me. She happened to overhear and she was really worried and shocked and questioned if i was bulimic on top of being anorexia. I was so caught on the spot i vehemently sweared i wasn't. I mean purging like only once a week when i lose control can't be, right? I can't believe i lied to my mother. Now believing that i didn't vomit after seeing me eat so much for the first time in weeks, my mum thinks i've started eating normally again and she's overjoyed. My life is so messed up. I don't even dare to touch oily food. I really want to go back to normal and gain weight. I know my body looks horrible and i'm all skin and bones. I'm also often tired. But i really don't have the courage to eat for fear i'll gain too much weight. All i'm eating is bread these days or a small bowl of cereal or fruits. I just can't bear the thought of eating too much food and having them inside me... what should i do or eat? i'm really alone now.. I hope somebody could give me some advice.. thanks.. Plus I have a strenous 5 day outward bound camp in a week,and if i am not strong enough, i'll think i'll faint through the course.My mom's forcing me to take cod liver pills but i don't dare to because of their dense energy content.. will taking the pills really help?

k
When I read this, I have to say it brought back a flood of emotions. I am now 36, and started my journey of eating disorder when I was 16. I've had it all. Anorexia, bulimia, and have tried laxatives. Everything to not gain weight. I am happy to say that I do not "practice" the same methods anymore. I've completely stopped, and have not done it in about 4 years. You will get through this, but not alone. Your mom probably in her heart knows you are still binging/purging, or eating very little. It to me, was not that I knew I looked thin, because I did know it. It was a lot of pressure in my life, and loss of control in my life that kept me doing it. And I have to say the attention when everyone noticed how thin I was kept me doing it. At some point, especially when you're in a public restroom throwing up, you get to a point where you look at what you're doing and decide you don't want to do this anymore. That's the first step. Step 2....the harder part. Finding help. With someone who really knows what they're doing. I will be honest, some of the "help groups" made me worse, but then there are people who care and can help. At John Hopkins in Baltimore, there is an eating disorder group that is wonderful, but if you're not in that area, there are places all over the US. Please, please, please decide to stop. It's a hard journey, but 2 beautiful children later, I'm glad I stopped, but the thought is never far from my mind. It's an everyday battle even now, but it does get easier. There are people who care, and will get you through this.
Hi snow_puppies,
There is really not much I can add to the other two replies you got. I so agree with both of them. If you can, do open up to
Love & hugs, Kristina