The words you try so hard to say...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
The words you try so hard to say...
1
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 7:44pm
Its not a pity writing, I write this on behalf of the many others that are trapped inside thier heads.

I write it I guess, in hope that I can raise awareness, that we all can feel like this and your not alone.

It hurts me to read it, but it needs to be said.

It is the truth, I fear many times that truth is so shameful it stays in my head, in my soul, but for a rare time, I am posting a honest to god feeling that it burns my tongue to say it out loud.

If you feel like this too, I give you one big hug and tell you I will not judge, I will not shout, I will love and acknowledge that its real, I know it's real.

I send a big warm hug to you.

I wipe your tears away with my own stubs for fingers that have had my tears on before, when you read and let the truth escape for those few minutes.

I will love you. I will hug you, I will be there for you, if not in body, always in thought (and in prayer).

Lovingly with you in love, through pain, through real and false smiles.

Katie

x


------------------------------------------------------------


Longing, longing for more then you possibly thought you could yearn for.

Hoping, grasping, begging, doing all you can, every ounce of energy used in saying that damned and sinned four letter word.

That word you want to scream out loud, but covers you in dirt and shame, surrounds you with guilt, as soon as it leaves your mouth.

Once you say it the sin is on your lips, you are bound to do everything it requires, and if you are not strong enough to do the whole trek up the biggest mountain in the world, you instantly become a failure, you didn’t do, you never will do it, the internal voice screams inside in a blood curdling volume.

You don’t do it, you become what you fear most, judged.

Judged is painful, shameful, but it’s much worse when they call you the word that is the biggest shame in your tiny little pathetic mind- Attention seeker.

They judge you, look at you a certain way, talk about you a certain way, condemn you every second they think of you.

We all do it, the shame of knowing that you judge too, is a death warrant stuck on your forehead with a post-it note.

I know many will read and say oh dear, oh my, poor thing, she needs this, and that etc. But I wonder if someone, some precious angel that reads this and does not judge, does not slap a section on you, does send you to hospital, does not put you on med’s, no.

They hug you. They simply hug you.

Wonderful isn’t it? A hug.

The longing, the yearning, the hoping and grasping, all the begging you do till your voice is hoarse, you know what it is?

3 single words.

Please help me.

Please help me.

Please help me.

These mean what they say, but they mean more. Much more.

Please see me.

Please look inside.

Please see my secret tears.

Please listen to me.

Please try to understand me.

Please love me.

Please help me.


Katie

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:42am
Big hugs, Katie. That is a really powerful post and my heart goes out to you.

Love & hugs, Kristina