OMG!! I'm so....!! (*T*)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
OMG!! I'm so....!! (*T*)
2
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:29am
upset, angry, horrified, disgusted, sickened, sad, mad... suicidal.

okay... *huff* i'm totally freaking out and i'm out of control!! i'm overwhelmed, exhausted, aggravated.

alright, now... first off, i want to get better. there. i said it. i want to stop obsessing about what goes in my mouth, and i want to above all stop weighing myself 8-10 times a day (literally!).

i've wanted to get better for a while now, but can't seem to.

my weight is like a yo-yo. my eating patterns mirror my weight pattern. in the last 2 weeks, i've gained 15 pounds! now, this may sound great (i don't know, is it?) but it's all fat weight! all i've eaten for the past 2 weeks is junk food! i'm so.......... argh!

and as i was stuffing myself, i was saying in my head, you're going to regret this, you shouldn't be eating this, this is not the right way to get better.

and yet... i still gorged.

now, i've forced myself to lose this 15 pounds (unhealthily) before i can do anything about a healthy recovery. i'm going insane crazy! i'm even visiting pro-ana/mia websites!

why can't i have any control over anything in my life?! why can't i be normal? act normal?

there's really *nothing* to live for. i can't even control my own life.

i need help. please.

~Lauren

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:08am

Hi Lauren,


I know exactly how you feel, Sweety. I can't tell you how many times I have been in that same place you are in right now and how many times I have uttered these almost exact words to a good friend of mine. I thougth there was no end - but there is. You CAN recover Honey but I am not going to lie, it's not easy. You will have ups and downs, you may even have relapses, but you need to see all of it as part of your recovery and never loose sight of your goal - freedom.


You said you want to get better and that's a huge, huge step. The best thing you can do is get into (or stay in) therapy. Ideally you want to find a good therapist who has experience helping people with EDs. If you can't find one that's ok, you'll still be able to get some of those repressed emotions out. You could additionally join a group like www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org or www.overeatersanonymous.org or www.celebraterecovery.org.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 8:02pm
Lauren I was exactly where you are right now 2 weeks ago, I mean exactly.

I hated myself so much I thought of suicide too, got everything infront of me, started the first cut and thought no, there must be a way, even in my most desperate time.

I wieghed again, and I had gained 8 pounds in two weeks of my regular night binges, it felt like 20 tonnes, I hated myself just like you do right now.

I said no more, I need to sort this, and I stupidly set my target of calories each day 200 calories lower, and I binged ever more because I was so hungry.

It fuelled my anger even more. I was phoning the pyschiatric hospital support line, dialing the numbers to prepare them for an admission, but I thought no.

There must be a way.

I promised myself I would do something positive and not go hungry.

I joined slimming world, which allows as much certain food as you want every day, all fruit, all potatoes that were not cooked in fat were ok, baked beans, low fat noodles, and I could have a little cheese each day, a little milk each day, and also was allowed some room for a small bar of something thats a treat.

Also really low fat yoghurts were free food too, so they crave my sugar rushs, I eat 2 or 3 at a time and know it may be 3 servings, but its low fat and healthy, infact all the food is 90% low fat and very healthy and the fruit is naturally sweet and healthy.

I dont feel hungry often, I am going to the toilet more regular (gross I know), I am eating as much low fat and healthy tasty food as I want, or meat days, I can eat!!

But on this because you train your body to process food better, helps your body to detox and cleanse inside, you feel better because everything you put in your mouth is good for you, and the best is you lose wieght also.

I have lost 1 and half pounds in the two weeks I have been on it, I have not been tempted to binge once.

But I have also had to stop wieghing twice a day, was so hard, but wieght changes so much it will go up and down like a yo yo, water wieght, poo wieght (sorry, but it's true, it wieghs something!!).

I let the slimming lady wiegh me, and she has told me I can only lose 10 pounds as I will look very ill if I do, but she is helping me to fight the binging and lose the pounds I gained through the binging.

Consider a low fat diet, but dont restrict yourself, allow yourself food you like but low fat versions and do little exercises each morning. hang in there. It will lose the wieght gained, please believe me, slowly but it surely will if followed a low fat and not starvation diet.

Hope I could be of some help.

Katie

x