first time purging
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first time purging
| Tue, 03-16-2004 - 4:49pm |
hi... well, it seems like i'm getting worse, & i question myself sometimes if i have the motivation to get over my issues with food. the first time i ever made myself throwup was like 3 years ago, maybe longer. & i did it for the first time since then about a week ago. i wasn't satisfied with what i brought up, so i didn't eat for the next 2 days. then i did it again & restricted again. this seems to be my newest 'eating' pattern. i'm starting to open up to my psychiatrist about body image issues but it just seems like a burden i don't need. it seems like everyone knows that i have trouble with anything that goes in my mouth & everyone is always telling me to eat, even when i pig out! my friends, boyfriend & family just don't leave me alone. i know this means they care about me, but it's just like... let me do my own thing & get better the way i want to & when i'm ready to. i don't really know what i'm rambling on about. it's just like some days i want my eating habits to be normal & some days i don't think i could like without it. it's the only thing i can control, even though it seems like i'm out of control with it. alright, that's my vent i guess. ~lauren

Hi Lauren,
You may not want to hear this, but it sounds like you are going through the ups and downs of recovery. IT's scary when we start addressing our emotional issues and sometimes it makes us turn back to our old patterns and/or behaviors. Recovery takes time and it sounds like you are on the right track. Obviously it would be best if you could keep your food down, but if you don't, try to learn from the situation (what led up to it, what were you feeling, etc.) and then forgive yourself. Try not to live in the past if at all possible. And it is great that you are opening up to your psychiatrist. As hard as that can be, ultimately it will get you to where you need to be.
As for our friends and family, that's a tough one. You may direct them to www.somethingfishy.org. It has a section for loved ones of people struggling with an ED. It basically gives them a short list of dos and don'ts.
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
Hi Lauren:
I get daily devotionals called "Today's Gift". Below is the one from today. It made me think of your post and I thought it might be helpful.
Today's thought is:
Newcomer
Initially, I was excited about recovery. I felt better for a while. I hate to say it, but now that I'm not at the beginning any more, everything seems worse. I feel more cynical than ever.
Sponsor
What you're experiencing is part of the process of recovery. Many of us go through a "honeymoon" phase in early recovery. Our craving may feel miraculously lifted. Change feels easy, and hope replaces despair.
Then, life feels difficult again. We may perceive ourselves as having gotten worse, but that's not accurate.
Love & hugs, Kristina