I need to vent... (triggers)
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| Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:22pm |
It's been a long time since I've purged. I'm a long time compulsive over eater. Even that has been relatively undercontrol for a while now. But yesterday, after being over 20 days binge free, I binged. I was on my way to the gym after work and I just felt ill from all the candy that I binged on. I felt gross and wanted it out of me. So I detoured home, purged, and continued on to the gym.
I actually felt better afterward. It was like I flushed all the guilt and torture away. I felt "weird" the rest of the night. Kind of distant and off. I know this is not acceptable behavior, and I journaled about it, but I just couldn't leave it there. I felt full of poison, and afterward when my throat hurt and my stomach ached I felt like that was due punishment for binging in the first place.
So today I'm at lunch, alone because everyone was in a meeting. There was this toffee popcorn in there and you would have thought I hadn't seen food in years or something. I ate so much of it, then my lunch, then pizza and I found myself back in the bathroom over the toilet again. I felt like, well, I better get rid of it before it does any damage.
Two days in a row? What's wrong with me? I'm feeling a lot of pressure, I guess. I've recently lost a lot of weight (70+pounds) and everyone thinks I'm this big health freak now. I do take care of myself, exercise daily and TRY to eat well. No one knows how I struggle with binging, and although I've kept it under control for a while now, I'm not as strong as everyone wants me to be. I feel like I'm this huge failure if I gain one pound back.
I'm fighting the urge right now to go back into the bathroom as I'm not satisfied with what came up. I guess I just needed to vent these feelings. I'm so frustrated and I wish food didn't have this power over me. I wish I could just eat a meal when I was hungry, and stop when I was satisified and not obsess about every piece of cookie or candy that comes my way, should I eat it or not, I know I just can't have a taste, that I'll end up eating everything in sight.
So here I am, still unable to control my binging, so I make it worse by purging. I wish I felt more guilty about the purging part, but right now it seems like the answer.
THanks for reading this, if you've got this far.
Rayah

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I also exercise daily, try to eat well and take care of myself. Nobody has any idea about my purging. I'm sorry I don't have the answer but it's good to know I'm not the only one.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. Everyone thinks I have this perfect life since I've lost weight. Everyone thinks I'm so healthy and I constantly hear how "inspiring" I am... I lost weight, I'm in "great" shape, I'm so dedicated to my health and well being, I take great care of my body... bla bla bla. Oh yeah, I bet
Hi Rayha,
Welcome to the board. I really am sorry that you are struggling right now and I can relate to what that feels like. I used to be the same way, but it does get better and food won't have that kind of power over you anymore.
You wrote: "So here I am, still unable to control my binging, so I make it worse by purging. I wish I felt more guilty about the purging part, but right now it seems like the answer."
Control is a big factor in your post and letting go, realizing that I CANNOT control this ED, was one of the hardest things I had to do. In 12 step programs step one reads "We admitted we were powerless over
Love & hugs, Kristina
I try not to think about the permanent damage I might be doing to my body. I've had bald spots on my head that I've had to get cortisone shots for and that usually stops my purging for awhile but then my hair will grow back and I'll start putting on a little weight and it starts all over. It's what might be going on inside that I get really scared about. The bald spots always fill in but what is happening that I don't see.
I get so mad at myself for being so selfish and stupid. Why can't I be happy with myself? How come everytime I look my best do I ruin it? What's crazy is nobody who knows me would guess I struggle with this. They see me taking care of myself with diet and exercise. They say they wish they had my figure and get annoyed when I say I've gained a few pounds. Even my husband has no idea. I love him dearly but sometimes I can't wait for him to leave so I can eat every cookie, candy, sweet, etc. in the house. I don't know why I feel I have to be perfect. I'm 32 so age definately isn't a factor. Good luck this weekend - weekends are usually hardest for me.
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Thanks for your response.
I know you're right. I do understand that I have other emotional issues that need to be dealt with. I guess I'm aware of those feelings, but maybe just now willing to acknowledge them, and would rather hide them behind guilty binging followed by the relief of purging. I just feel so out of control right now.
I've purged every day since my first post. Every day. I seem to be able to get through breakfast fine... I think that's because that's when I take my supplements and anti-depressants and I never want to purge those. For one, I know my body needs them and for two... those anti-depressants are $80/month. No way am I wasting that.
The last few days I haven't binged at lunchtime, but afterward I feel nauseous and then guilty for eating and usually purge sometime in the afternoon. Or if I make it through lunch w/o purging I don't make it through dinner time.
Now I'm feeling very restrictive about my food intake... I'm sick of purging, so I guess I figure if I don't eat or don't eat much, I won't feel guilty and won't purge.
This is really getting sad and rediculous... I know... I'm making a call to an organization in town that counsels women and they do a lot of eating disorder counseling. I know I can admit to my compulsive overeating and restriction, but I don't know if I can yet admit to the purging. But I think this will be a good first step.
Thanks again for your response. Your story is very inspiring.
Rayah
I always think that people would be shocked and disgusted if they knew my dirty secret. I often fear someone figuring out that I had purged by finding evidence or something. That's a HUGE fear.
I too have waited with such anxiety for my bf to leave or get in the shower so I can inhale something. That's just so pathetic. He knows that I have issues with overeating, but I think he thinks that I'm over those problems. He has no idea about the purging. I'd die if he found out. I know he would be shocked because he knows that I know how to take care of my body.
I dread to even consider what's going on inside my body. Sometimes the pain from overdoing laxatives has sent me to the floor. I'm sure I've taken enough water pills to damage my kidneys a little. Ugh!!! That's just not worth it. But I don't seem to think about that when I head for those pills. Striving for perfection is such an endless battle and I know this... I just don't seem to be able to grasp reality. As soon as I gain a pound or two the cycle starts. The sad thing is that I see it coming... but I don't stop it. I "can't". Sigh.
My eating disorders started at a young age when my stepmom put me on my first diet. Her words still ring in my head today. "fat" "chubby" "overweight" "worthless" "ugly" "stupid"
I'm so glad I have this place to vent these frustrations. Select people know that I've had these problems, including bulemia, in the past... but everyone that knows thinks these problems are long gone. Everyone thinks I've conqured those demons. Little do they know that I'm actually a huge failure in
Hi Rayah,
I know you are hurting and you just want this to be over, but you ARE making progress. The fact that you are posting here, admitting there are emotional issues you need to work on, and that you are thinking about getting counseling are all great steps. It's ok if you can't admit to all of it right now, recovery takes time. Sometimes it takes baby steps, but as long as you keep working on it you will get there.
Don't give up and if you get discouraged, come here and post or talk to someone you can confide in. Group meetings for people with EDs are great, too, because you will share with people who know exactly what you are going through. I know this is hard, but you can do this!!!
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
I haven't posted on this board in quite a while, but I was a regular here about 2 years ago. I'm 31 and a recovering bulimic. Like you, I'm really a compulsive overeater, but when I gained weight I used to purge to try to offset it. It never worked.
I just wanted to write in to say that I can completely relate to your posts. I haven't purged since June of 2002, and I hadn't been binging, either, but about 3 weeks ago the binging urges came back from out of nowhere. I've learned a few things, though, and I'm confident that I will not go back into the cycle.
What I've learned is this--when I admit outloud that this is a problem 2 things happen. The first is that I find a lot of freedom. For me a lot of the ED is the obsession and the arguing that goes on in my head. It used to drown me out and I think I ate sometimes just to shut it up. When I talk about it, though, I let it out and it isn't all I think about anymore. The second thing that happens when I talk about this is that I find that I'm not alone. I admitted in my Bible study recently that I struggle with an ED and I was shocked that there were several others that face the same demons. We're definitely not alone, ladies, and there is strength in numbers.
The second thing I've learned is that I can't fight it alone. For me I need God to help me and I can only make it through the day with a lot of prayers---prayers for my appetite to be contained, for my mind to release the obsessive thoughts of food and perfection, for my self esteem--I'm worth so much more than my waistline or my dress size, and for the courage to just make it through the day.
I don't know if this will help you at all, but I wanted to pass along my encouragement. Speaking out online is a huge first step. Trusting the people you love to see that this is an illness and that you need help is so difficult, but if they really love you they won't see this a just some weakness or character flaw, but they'll see the kind of courage it took for you to admit the situation and seek help. And they'll support you through recovery. I still stumble sometimes, but I would never have made it this far without 2 people who I trusted who just loved me back to health...
Blessings,
Mel
Melanie... thank you for speaking out and for relating to my posts. I'm still struggling today and having a hard time coming to terms with everything.
I'm going to try to get a hold of the therapy people today. I keep putting it off. Partially because I'm busy, and partially because I'd rather not face my problems. I went all day Monday without binging or purging and thought I was "cured". LOL! I'm so nieve sometimes. Tuesday was a different story. So I'm really no further along today than I was earlier in the week... other than my intentions to call and start to get some help... but even that is so hard to do. I don't want to admit that I have lost control.
The thing that keeps me going is I DO see weight loss with these behaviors. I see nearly immediate weight loss and it only fuels my obsession. Of course binging triggers purging but it also triggers increased exercise, so maybe that's the cause of my weight loss. Who knows.
I look around me and I wonder if the people I see and talk to everyday struggle on the inside like I do. I wonder if I appear as "together" as they do.
Anyway... thank you for your post (everyone).
Rayah
I read your story this morning and it spoke to me. Loud and clear. I've just entered "recovery" for binge-eating and bulimic tendencies. Your story is so familiar, it could be mine. I want you to know that you are not alone, though it feels that way sometimes.
I just had my second session of therapy today. I unloaded a lot of heavy stuff, and at the end, the doctor looked at me and said, "So, see you next Wednesday." Is that normal? I know my hour was up, but come on.
I came home, ate dinner, with the intentions of eating healthfully, but I found myself engulfed in one big binge. I am so ashamed and don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I have been trying to maintain a healthy weight because I'm going on vacation this week, and I fear this binge (along with last night's chocolate binge) will ruin all my hard work. I am so frustrated.
This is the first time I have ever posted a message like this, but I don't know where else to turn. Nearly no one knows about my illness, and I feel like things are spiraling out of control.
Grace
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