I need to vent... (triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
I need to vent... (triggers)
13
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:22pm

It's been a long time since I've purged. I'm a long time compulsive over eater. Even that has been relatively undercontrol for a while now. But yesterday, after being over 20 days binge free, I binged. I was on my way to the gym after work and I just felt ill from all the candy that I binged on. I felt gross and wanted it out of me. So I detoured home, purged, and continued on to the gym.


I actually felt better afterward. It was like I flushed all the guilt and torture away. I felt "weird" the rest of the night. Kind of distant and off. I know this is not acceptable behavior, and I journaled about it, but I just couldn't leave it there. I felt full of poison, and afterward when my throat hurt and my stomach ached I felt like that was due punishment for binging in the first place.


So today I'm at lunch, alone because everyone was in a meeting. There was this toffee popcorn in there and you would have thought I hadn't seen food in years or something. I ate so much of it, then my lunch, then pizza and I found myself back in the bathroom over the toilet again. I felt like, well, I better get rid of it before it does any damage.


Two days in a row? What's wrong with me? I'm feeling a lot of pressure, I guess. I've recently lost a lot of weight (70+pounds) and everyone thinks I'm this big health freak now. I do take care of myself, exercise daily and TRY to eat well. No one knows how I struggle with binging, and although I've kept it under control for a while now, I'm not as strong as everyone wants me to be. I feel like I'm this huge failure if I gain one pound back.


I'm fighting the urge right now to go back into the bathroom as I'm not satisfied with what came up. I guess I just needed to vent these feelings. I'm so frustrated and I wish food didn't have this power over me. I wish I could just eat a meal when I was hungry, and stop when I was satisified and not obsess about every piece of cookie or candy that comes my way, should I eat it or not, I know I just can't have a taste, that I'll end up eating everything in sight.


So here I am, still unable to control my binging, so I make it worse by purging. I wish I felt more guilty about the purging part, but right now it seems like the answer.


THanks for reading this, if you've got this far.


Rayah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:01am

Grace,


I totally know what you mean. I've been in therapy before, not specifically for binging/purging, but I'm sure had I stayed in thereapy long enough those issues would have surfaced. I always felt the session would drudge up all of some serious emotional baggage, and then *poof* the hour's over, go home, see ya next week. HELLO!?!? You've just stirred up my most inner tortures and now you're telling me to go back to normal? I don't have an on/off switch here! That's why I quit seeing my most recent therapist. She brought up all this junk (abuse & date rape) that I hadn't thought about in YEARS! I mean, I hadn't really dealt with those issues either, but then she has me talk about them, relive them in my mind, and then expects me to go home and deal????? I'm pretty sure I dealt alright... with a quart of Ben & Jerry's, an order of egg rolls, and a night in the bathroom "getting rid" of all those emotions.


And you guessed, it... I found myself "too busy" to call the new therapy place yesterday. Of course, it's on my list of things to do for today, but I'm still dreading it. A lot of good this has done for me in the past, I just don't know if I can handle spilling my life story again. It was hard enough living it the first time.


I don't understand why I keep torturing myself either. It's such a cycle of torture. I've only had one "healthy" day in the past week. Sigh.


Thank you so much for you post. I hope we can help each other, and if not... it's always good to know that I don't suffer with this stuff alone.


Good luck with your next session.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 10:24am
Wow. That is exactly what happened to me last night. I had the intense session, where I told the therapist all about my emotional/physical abuse issues as well as date rape - things that I hadn't given serious thought to in years. And there I was, really intending on eating a normal dinner. Well, I ate a healthy dinner, and then went crazy and binged and tried to purge but was unsuccessful. I spent a few hours dancing around my room, doing situps, lifting weights, anything to burn off the calories. The laxative I took still hasn't kicked in, so I am here at work with this awful, full sensation. Very uncomfortable. The miserable weather is not helping my mood either.

I've had a few days of healthy behavior since beginning the therapy (about ten days ago). ED veterans say that the beginning of recovery is the hardest... I hope they're right. I am not entirely convinced that the therapy will work, but I feel so helpless at this point. I don't know what else to do. Does anyone have suggestions of how to get more input from the psychologist? I want feedback from her, and I'm not getting it!

You should call today. I know it's hard and sooo easy to put off, but it might be a step in the right direction. I can't really comment yet on therapy's effectiveness, but perhaps there are others out there for whom it's been successful. Please share!

Stay strong,

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 6:32pm

I still haven't called... I still intend to, but life in general has been very crazy busy lately.


Gosh, it's so strange that we have this much in common. The weather really bothers me to. SAD... I think it's called... Seasonal A (something) Depression. I'm looking forward to the sunshine.


Please keep me posted on how your therapy and recovery goes. I'm sure it must get easier. I wish I had an answer for you, but everyone says it's so worth it to be better. If that's the case, then why is it so hard to start? I think I'm afraid of failing and afraid of getting better, only to revert back.


So I digress and move onto another day.


Best of luck to everyone through the trials and temptations of the weekend. ugh.


Rayah

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