Post-Weekend Check-In

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Post-Weekend Check-In
8
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:01pm
Hi, everyone!

Just wanted to check in. I was away this weekend, which I thought would be hard as far as eating goes. Being on vacation, I ate out a lot, and I felt sort of embarrassed about cleaning my plate. From eating out every meal, I did gain a few pounds (could tell by my jeans), which started to really upset me by the end of the trip. I avoided any purging behaviors and didn't engage in any full scale binges -- mostly because of a lack of available food and the constant presence of others. I hope this week will be okay. I have therapy session #3 tomorrow, which scares me...

Rayah, I agree about the SAD (seasonal affect disorder)... I just spent a long weekend in CA, and the weather there is perfect and definitely had a positive impact on my spirits! How was your weekend?

Kristina, thanks so much for your kind words of support. I am really hoping that therapy will make a difference for me, but I am not unwilling to consider a 12-step. It does seem difficult to me, though, as I have a lot of shame surrounding my problem. Thanks again for your support - it's very helpful.

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:26pm

Having people around us which prevents us from engaging in our ED behaviors can be a good thing, even if it feels uncomfy. It actually sounds like you did pretty good!!


I hope the therapy will work for you. And 12-step programs will always be there, so you may just not be ready right now. Also, keep in mind that shame is a common thing for people with addictions, so you won't be alone in that one. Plus

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 5:02pm

Grace,


I'm so happy to hear that you had a good vacation. The sunshine has started to appear here, bringing with it warmer tempatures and that's helping my mood. Not helping my ED...


My weekend was okay. Infact I didn't purge at all on Saturday... not because I didn't necessarily want to, but the opportunity did not present itself as there were people around me all the time.


I did manage to FINALLY tell my boyfriend about my ED. I don't really know how it happened. I am just so sick of sneaking and hiding and I feel like I've been lying to him or something. We've been together 3 years and I thought he should know. He was pretty shocked, but offered his support and wants me to seek help. I think maybe that was the push that I needed. I'm still working on finding the right therapist, but I'm being more proactive in my search than I was last week.


Good luck with your next session. I'll be thinking about you.


Rayah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:49am
Dear Rayah,

I am so happy that you told your boyfriend. It's a hard thing to do, to tell someone your secret. I know it will be difficult at first, but I think it's going to be better for you in the end. I'm glad he's being supportive of you! You deserve it.

The only person that knows about my "relapse" is my roommate. My nutritionist urged me to tell her because she thought it might thwart some of my ED behavior. I didn't want to, because she isn't always the most supportive, but I knew I had to. For starters, I knew she noticed the alarming rate at which I was consuming food. And second, once I started therapy, I knew she was sort of suspicious about "meetings" I was having -- I'm not the world's greatest liar.

Anyway, the only other person I might tell is my ex-boyfriend. We dated in college, broke up afterwards, but have been really close ever since. At this point, I would consider him my closest friend. I spent time with him this weekend, but I couldn't bear to tell him. He kept telling me how strong he thought I was, and it really annoyed me. I'M NOT STRONG!!! If he only knew, right... Anyway, he started up with the strength thing over IM last night, so I again told him that he was wrong. I told him that there was something he didn't know but that I would tell him later. When we talked last night, he mentioned it, but I wasn't in the mood to discuss it, knowing it would be emotional and probably lead me to binge. Plus, I don't want to ruin this vision of me he has. He thinks I'm this amazingly strong woman, which I clearly am not. A strong woman wouldn't fill her voids with food and then, overcome with guilt, harm her body by trying to rid herself of the awful emotions.

Anyway, had to get that off my chest. It's sort of a dilemma whether or not to tell him, but I'm now worried he's going to start to be curious, now that I've half let the secret out....

Again, thank you, Rayah, for your words of support. It really means a lot to me. Good luck contacting a therapist - I hope you find a great one!

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:18am

Thanks Grace. It was so hard to tell him and he asked a lot of questions. He doesn't really understand to the point of knowing where I'm coming from, but he's being as understanding and supportive as he can. He's asked me a couple of times if I'd had an episode that day, and that's really weird. He said "I'm going to ask about it from time to time" and I explained that it was strange to me because no one has ever known before, so having it come up in conversation is not something I'm used to.


I haven't had many purge free days in the past few weeks, but I'm working on getting help. I've set up appointments with a therapist! She didn't have an opening until April 29th, but that will give me some time to think about the things I want to discuss and get ready to start treatment and recovery. She specializes in ED, so that's reassuring. I'm not sure how I feel about getting started with therapy, but I know its something I have to do.


Let me know what you decide to do in regard to telling your exboyfriend and how he reacts. How did your roommate react?


Looks like we're both hanging in there for now... it's been nice chatting with you about this stuff.


Rayah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:03pm
I'm so glad you made an appointment! That's terrific. My third session went well. We actually talked more about the ED behavior and issues surrounding that, which I thought was more helpful than discussing the past. She identified my feelings of isolation (particularly when I b/p) as well as the amount of pressure I place on myself. I thought it was pretty astute of her to recognize that right off the bat. People I know either don't see those things or don't mention them. Anyway, tonight I'm meeting with the nutritionist, and I'm sort of embarrassed to show her my food log. Of course, I'm sure she sees this sort of stuff all the time.

How are things with your bf? I still haven't told the ex, but I've hinted that there's something going on. God only knows what he suspects. When I told my roommate, I think she was surprised, but let's face it... how could she not notice the alarming rate at which I consume the food I buy??? It's good that she knows, I think... but it's also hard because I start to resent when she's around, knowing that I can't b/p. All part of getting better, I guess. Anyway, it's weird to tell someone, isn't it? I started to get paranoid that she'd watch me and stuff, but so far it's been okay. I remember when I told my bf in high-school (he sort of called me out on it)... he would ask me about it and I'd feel ashamed even if I hadn't purged that day. It's a hard thing, but you have to know that people care, and most of the time they just don't know how to act or what to say.

I had a mini-binge this am. There was all this food in the office -- I won't get into details, but things I love.... And I went a bit crazy. It was not a large-scale, dissociative binge, but after I ate a few things, I had an overwhelming urge to run to the bathroom. I'm very self-conscious and don't want people to know what I'm doing. I hid some of the food to eat, too, which makes me feel so dirty and guilty. And ashamed. It's about lunchtime, and I'm not hungry (wonder why). I will not eat my sandwich until I feel physical hunger. Ugh, sometimes this really is too much.

Hope all is well!

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:24pm

Physical Hunger??? Huh? What's that? LOL


I'm so glad your sessions are getting better. I suppose it does take a few to past the past and onto the issues of today. I'll keep that in mind. They should have the first session be like 2 or 3 hours long! Although, how exhausting would THAT be?


Things are going okay with my bf. He hasn't asked about it since Saturday, which is good because I'll want to lie if he asks, but I've promised him I wouldn't. When he did ask, I felt the same as you... ashamed... even though I hadn't purged that day. It's so weird having someone know my secret. Everytime I think *gasp* how do you know??? I was paranoid that he was going to watch me too, but he hasn't. He's thrilled that I've made those appointment, so I suppose he thinks I'm already on the road to recovery, I don't know.


I'm glad things are running smoothly with your roommate knowing. I would have the same feelings about it.


I HATE when there's lots of office food. I do the EXACT same thing as you. I eat too much, hide stuff... I don't want anyone to know I eat that much. Then I have the urge to run to the bathroom. There's only one other woman in my office, and I can pretty much calculate when she'll be in there, so unfortunately it's too easy for me to purge at work. AND we have three bathrooms at home, so it's too easy to find one that's far away from my bf.


Anyway... it's great to hear from you again. Is your therapist an eating disorder specialist? Have they put you on any anti-depressants? Just curious.


Talk to you soon,


Rayah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:34am
Hi, Rayah-

Just checking in. How are you? Things on my end are okay. This weekend was pretty tough; I spent a lot of time with my aunt and grandmother who love to make sure I have plenty to eat! It is always difficult to say "no," so I ended up eating more than I wanted to and feeling overwhelming urges to purge. It was also difficult having so much emphasis on food. "Do you want more?" "Oh, she wants more - give her some ice cream!" It was rough, but I didn't feel like I could say, "Hey, I have an ED... leave me alone." That would not have worked.

How are things with your bf? I hope he's still being supportive. Are you preparing for your first session with the psychologist? Are you seeing a psychologist or a nutritionist?

As for me, I am currently seeing both a psychologist and a dietitian. They haven't recommended anti-depressants, but frankly, I wonder if I should be on them. I suspect I am suffering from depression (who knows if it's a result or a cause of the ED), but I'm not sure... We'll see. I had to miss my session with the doc this week, but I will see her as well as the dietitian next week. Fun times.

I hope everything is going well for you.

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 5:50pm

Hi Grace. Isn't just great when your family is making things that much worse and they don't even know it? My grandma told me I was looking pretty thin over Easter weekend... she was like... "You're so skinny you look anorexic"... I thought... no just a little off there gran. I'm bulimic, thank you very much. Sheesh. I guess I shouldn't make jokes.


My boyfriend is doing okay with this. I think most of the time he forgets about it and then something triggers his mind and he'll say "Did you throw up today? What about yesterday? How about Tuesday?" and I get very overwhelmed because his tone is like "you better not have"... so I've lied every time. I really want to say "YES... almost EVERY STUPID DAY! Leave me a lone". Then when he asked about it the other day I was telling him some pretty serious feelings and he totally busted out laughing in the middle of me talking at something he heard on the radio. That REALLY made me upset... I said "did you seriously just do that while I was talking about this to you? If you don't want me to talk about it... then don't ask questions. I'm sorry that the radio was more important". Needless to say he felt really bad. I don't know... I guess I'm glad that I told him, but theres just no way that he'll ever understand.


It feels like forever until my first appointment with the ED specialist. She's a psychologist. I don't know if I'll see a nutritionalist or not. I guess I'll see when I get there. My appointment isn't until April 29th. I'm kind of surprised they're letting me wait that long, considering that they know what's going on... but that's the soonest the lady with all the ED training as an open appointment. So... I wait. In the meantime I feel like my ED is getting worse and I'm spinning further out of control. I'm losing weight and feeling great about that (of course) and then of course people are noticing and my BF has complimented me on how great I look, which only spins the ED out of control further. If he wasn't so BLIND he would realize WHY I'm losing weight, but he is male and not real observant.


You sound like you're doing well... all things considered, especially with the pressure from your family. I really think that's wonderful and I admire your courage. I'm looking forward to getting where you are.


Thanks for writing to me again...