Someone please help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Someone please help...
6
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 6:46am
Hi- this is my first post, and to be honest I am very nervous about posting this. I am only 18, and have had anorexia/bulemia for about 8 years now. I haven't figured out all the reasons why I've started but I do know that part of it was from being sexually and phsyically abused by my dad, grandfather, and ex-bf of 3 yrs. All of them are now out of my life, but I can't seem to control the disorder. I've been through at least 5 different treatment centers (including Remuda Ranch). I've also been through numorous hospitals (including hopkins). I no longer have the funds to get any more help. My insurance has had enough. I feel like I am almost at my worst right now. Although my weight has been lower before, I am doing very poorly. I don't keep anything down...i couldn't even keep down a grape today! And the problem is that I eat and eat and eat and eat...theres no food in the house! I am 5'5 and 27.27 kg. (60lbs). I have been worse than this, but I am doing really poorly. My whole family tries to help me, but theres not too much they can do because i am so involved in the eating disorder. I have no friends anymore and because of my weight I am not allowed to drive, have a job, or go to any more college. While I was in college , I kept a 4.0 GPA. I am not stupid, but I am so out of control, I don't know where to start. There are so many issues. Every therapist that I go to , my mom either doesnt like or we dont feel they are helping..and trust me i give them all a chance...there have been a few i liked but my mom always made me stop going because she felt they were encouraging me to be proud of myself..which she says i should not be because of the ed. As you can see there are so many issues. I know I am going to die if i dont act soon. What should I do? Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:23am

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Your situation sounds serious, and you NEED help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:43am

Hi Sweetie,


I am so sorry you are going through all this. It sounds like a very difficult situation and must be so frustrating and scary. I am glad that you are willing to go to counseling and I wonder if it's possible for you to go by yourself. I am sure your Mom means well, but there is nothing wrong with being proud of yourself, regardless of ED. You have been through A LOT and this is just your way of trying to cope with it. Being sexually abused is NOT normal and you didn't know how to deal with what was going on. And the important thing in counseling is that YOU feel comfortable with the counselor. You said there were a few you liked. Can you go back to either one of them without your Mom? Maybe you could tell the counselor over the phone what is happening and get his/her recommendations on how to handle this situation.


Then there are always group meetings, but since your situation is pretty serious, those should really be in addition to one-on-one therapy. However, it can't hurt. Check out www.celebraterecovery.com (go to global locations on left - GREAT success helping people recover), www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org, and

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:14pm
You know that there is nothing wrong with being proud of yourself! The eating disorder was not your choice and I can tell from what you wrote that you don't like having it.

Since you're 18, you can get a therapist on your own. Is there anyone besides your mom that you could borrow money from? Or could you make some type of deal with a therapist? They're generally kind people and if you offered to pay them later, few would reject.

Because the truth is you NEED help now,and if you don't get it, things can go very wrong especially when you're at such a low weight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:16pm
Thank you each...I will look into more counciling and ive also been to the NIMH site looking for clinical trials for eating disorders...at this point i dont care what it takes!! Thank you for being so understanding. Ive cried a lot today, i feel over emotional (which is a sign im getting worse). Also because my mom wanted to take my sisters and i out to dinner (which RARELY happens) and they said they didnt want to go because i would be there. They dont like eating with me or being around me. I try to be as nice as possible but its soo hard when they are so mean. They blame me for my dad being gone etc. SO i told my mom i am just not going to go out with them...that way they will be happy...well i didnt tell her why..because she wouldnt understand...she sees them as being the "perfect children" and i am the diseased one...which is true..it is a disease...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:42pm
THank you girls so much for the wonderful post. I don't think i've ever gotten this much support or positive feedback. I'm so scared...i'm even scared to take a shower because i dont want to look at my body. Although im an adult, my mom doesnt buy food for the house. She buys what i need for lunch and breakfast, leaves that and goes to work. I usually eat all the stuff she sets out for lunch and breakfast right after she leaves for work (around 4 am) then I try to sleep for the rest of the day to avoid the hunger/urges/cravings that i feel all day. It's worked pretty well...but im just always so hungry! and i know that im probably confusing some emotions with my hunger, but at this point i just dont know how to deal!! there are to many emotions.I'll give you a little more insight into my life...

MY DAD- hes currently living in a halfway type house with a lot of druggies because hes not allowed to live with us because of what he did to me...so he constantly emails me and calls me telling me how bad it is there and how the cops are always on his back...and he emailed me with a web site that posted him as a child sex offender..and hes like "look what i have to go through"...i feel terribly bad...but i also numb out those feelings with binging

My MOM- She really tries to help me, and puts a lot of money that she doesnt have into me. I feel awful because she buys me food every day knowing that it is most likely going to be wasted. Sometimes she defends me from my sisters but most of the time she agrees with them because they cant stand living with me. she would not take gaurdianship over me in the hospital and the hospital said that if she wouldnt then the state would...so it was either that or i get my act in shape fast...which i did...but now im not well agian.

My sisters- I have 3. 16 yrs, 14, and 13...all of them hate me. Holly tells me everyday how much she hates me and when she is around me she makes faces, she constantly makes fun of me (for ex yesterday night i was watching tv and eating grapes and my mom was trying to sleep..so i told her to go into the bedroom with the phone because she and her friend were being really loud..screaming and laughing etc. and it was waking up my mom...so she did...but before she did..she goes "you're such a pig, why dont you just go into the bathroom and throw up agian"...it hurt but im getting used to it)

Christie is usually very quiet but she was "daddys girl"...so she absolutely hates me for telling what happened and having him leave. she and my mom go out to eat with him every sunday and she talks to him on the phone constantly. SHe doesnt make fun of me as much as holly does. But my mom said when they went to the grocery store that she said "why do you buy her food, you knows its only going to waste."

Camie- she used to be the most supportive of me getting better. However, she gave up and told me that "youll never change, and youll never get better". To avoid all the havic at home she stays with her boyfriend any chance she gets..hes 17...shes 13...my mom allows her to because she said that its what makes her happy. She also does things to avoid me at all costs.

**Tonight my mom called me and told me she wants to take my sisters and i out to dinner (its spring break for them) -but camie is at her bf's and holly and christie said they will not go if i am going...my mom said they will though if i sit at a different table then them....so i told her i just dont want to go ...i rather not eat. shes very upset with me and says that i never try to get better and never make steps for them to like me. If only she knew how hard I try!!**

Any questions about any of this please ask...you have no idea how good it feels to vent like this...i feel like a burden is lifted from my shoulders.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:52pm
Although I suffer from anorexia & bulimia, I cannot image what you have to deal with. I don't see how you could get better being the current family situation that you are in. You need support and encouragement, not harrassment and putdowns.

Don't get upset....get mad....show them that you are strong and smart and can overcome this and become a better person than they could all hope to be...

I can't give you advice on how to get better, I can only encourage you to want to and to take it one day at a time.

I think I would get better if I had support, but no one knows about my condition and have yet to find a support group. Our minds work different than "normal" people. Hell, 1 year ago I used to be "normal" and then somehow I got on this road and have yet to find a way off of it.

I don't know about your specific condition other than to tell you you have to eat. You won't get fat, you will get healthy so that you can enjoy your life and be able to drive and be able to go to school or get a job. Take it one day at a time...it is will power...tell yourself you are going to eat and not get sick and that is that...one day at a time.