Am I in the right place?

Avatar for kweenie97
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Am I in the right place?
2
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 3:59am
I'm new here and I guess I'm not entirely sure I'm in the right place but I'll start here. I don't know if I actually have an eating disorder per se but I think I'm headed toward one. I've had thoughts of purging but I can't actually bring myself to do it. I weigh myself 4 or 5 times a day. I think about my weight probably about 80% of the day. Like daydreaming about ways to lose weight or what I would look like at certain weights. How much better I would be when I lose x number of pounds. Don't get me wrong, at 5'2" and 226.5lbs I am what they call morbidly obese.

The first time I saw those words as a diagnosis from a doctor all I could do was stare. I always knew I was big but morbid obesity....wow. And now some how my self worth has become totally wrapped up in my size. I got married about 8 months ago and our sex life has taken a definate dive. He's told me several different reasons why and insists that it's him and not me. But it feels like it's me. His lack of interest is like a slap in the face and in my mind I just won't be good enough until I'm thin.

And I guess that goes back to being teased when I was younger about my size. I love my brother dearly now but when he was 11 and I was 13 hearing the words "fat cow" nearly every time my parents were gone didn't go far for my esteem. Not to mention the verbally abusive alcoholic boyfriend I lived with for nearly 3 years telling me I was "too fat to f***" every time I told him no while he was in a drunken haze. My husband is the only man who ever made me feel beautiful. But that was awhile ago.

I realize some of this is probably hard to follow. But it's nearly 4am and after crying in the bathroom for nearly an hour I didn't know where else to go. I just want to be happy with myself. Can anyone help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:15am
hi Kweenie,

maybe you don't feel like it, but you should be pleased with yourself for recognizing that the way you think about food and losing weight right now could lead you in a bad direction. you should thank yourself for thinking about what you're doing.

if you want to lose weight, PLEASE don't do it by purging! you DON'T have to develop bulimia or anorexia! these are really unsafe, unhealthy behaviors and it is not worth it.

you can find a nutritionist and develop an eating and exercise plan if you want to lose weight. what about the doctor who diagnosed you? did he/she offer any suggestions? you can talk to a therapist alone or with your husband. you can also talk to someone (a therapist, psychiatrist, or maybe even just a friend to start) about how you feel about your body size and self image. you can read books about obesity and body image. you can get help and things can get better, and you don't have to damage yourself to do it. many people lose weight healthfully and feel great about themselves. you don't have to hate yourself.

i can tell you that even if you lose weight by purging or starving, you will NOT feel better about the way you look. you will feel trapped and sad and hopeless and your body still won't be good enough for you. if it gets bad enough, you will alienate your friends and maybe even your family. eating disorders put a massive strain on your relationships, and you need these relationships for support and encouragement and love!

i think you will find the people here to be very kind and understanding and willing to help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:26am

Welcome to the board. I just wanted to say that I think Hemmy made some wonderful points. PLEASE PLEASE do not torture yourself with purging. She is right, even IF you lost weight, you would only feel so much worse about yourself. Don't start the downward spiral of an eating disorder. You are recognizing that you are on your way, now is the time to stand up and be strong and stop the cycle before it controls you and destroys you. There are many boards here on iVillage that can help you learn to eat healthy and lose weight. I lurk all over the place and have found a couple of boards that are very supportive and focus on eating healthy. Since I am a confessed overeater I visit the compulsive overeating board all the time (never post, but I lurk) and they have a really wonderful supportive community. Maybe you could check that out and see if it works for you. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/main.asp?webtag=iv-bhovereat&nav=start


Maybe that's not the answer for you, and please keep posting here for support when you need it. But whatever you do... bulimia is NOT the answer either.


Take care...


Rayah