Back...trying to "fix" this (poss trigs)
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| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 4:41pm |
To give a quick update (I'm not sure when I last posted), I am doing a million times better physically than I was this past summer...the pain of my fibromyalgia is really under control and barely even bothers me sometimes (thanks to the medications I'm on and the warmer weather)...and my stomach problems have largely cleared up, although they've been flaring up a little lately (I have a hiatal hernia and IBS). Because my stomach is better, though, I've put back on the 10 or so pounds I lost last summer...so my negative body image issues have surfaced again...and because the fibromyalgia is better, I've been able to start exercising again.
At the suggestion of my therapist and parents, I've been seeing a nutritionist who deals a lot with eating disorders. Her general opinion seems to be that I don't necessarily have an eating disorder, but I do have a lot of eating and body image "issues," and that I need to eat more and/or cut back on my exercising. She's said that my exercise isn't really excessive (great, I feel like a failure even at that!), but that it may be too much for me now, since I am still dealing some with the fibromyalgia and often need a day or more to recover from exercising.
This week I went from working full-time (at a boring desk job, typing all day) to working only half-days (I'm getting ready for a move to another city), and so I've gotten to sleep about 10 hours a day. And for the first time in a really long time, I've had a day or two when I felt decent emotionally, not incredibly depressed or full of anxiety. So that's made me think that while I do seem to need too much sleep (which will definitely be a problem in med school), the eating issues and the many other issues in my life are calming down some.
But I just came back from a session with my therapist, and we spent almost the entire time talking about why I keep trying to lose weight...that maybe I'm using the issue of weight to distract myself from my other problems (depression, etc.)...and that by continuing to exercise too much or eat too little, I am creating a vicious cycle. We even discussed the "pros and cons" of continuing these habits...the major con for me is the fact that I'll be starting med school in the fall and can't afford to be any more tired than I already am (since my therapist thinks the sleepiness may be from not eating enough...which I doubt, but I can see it as a possibility).
I brought up a point that has been bothering me, the fact that I truly am not extremely thin, and that many other people seem to be thinner than I am while eating more normally. I'd mentioned this to the nutritionist as well, and although this is out of context, her response that "it's true, you're not the thinnest person" really stung. Her point, though, was the same one that my therapist made...that different people have different "healthy" weights...and that if I am at this weight only because I eat less than I should, then it is not a healthy weight for me.
As I guess is the case with everyone with eating problems, there are just so many issues for me surrounding eating and weight. I am a perfectionist and feel best when I'm the thinnest person in a group...and I already feel like I am isolated from everyone, on the outside looking in, partially because I am so large (to me) and so socially awkward...so I guess I feel like I would fit in better if I were thinner. Oh well, I can never seem to come up with exactly the right words to describe all this...and a significant part of me feels so embarrassed to be focused on my weight, given what a relatively nice life I have. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that the weight is maybe not the "real" issue for me.
The nutritionist suggested that I try out a body image group that meets occasionally... but I will be moving very soon...and the whole idea of a group makes me very worried. I think my eating habits would become worse if I see people who are much thinner than I am, and if I hear them discussing their own habits...and I often get depressed just hearing about other people's depression or self-hatred...kind of ironic, I guess! That's one of the reasons I have trouble reading posts sometimes...sorry...
I don't want to trigger anyone here either...but just to clarify...I am considered slightly underweight for my height, and I don't have a particularly small build (I have my mom's build basically, a large chest and wide hips...thanks, Mom!). I see so many people around me (especially since I live in a college town) who are so much smaller than me...it's getting to be swimming season, and while I love to swim, I shudder to think about facing the bikini-clad crowds laying out at the pool (I always wear a one-piece)... sorry to sound over-dramatic. So I feel a lot of pressure to be thinner, but my body doesn't want to submit to it! And I worry constantly about surviving med school, and if I'm this sleepy then, I really don't know how I'll do it...
Anyway, thanks for listening to this rambling, sorry for the very long breaks between my posts on this board, and I hope you all are doing well,
Rose

Hi Rose,
It's good to hear from you. Don't worry about not posting for a while - you have to do what works best for you and take care of yourself first and foremost.
It sounds like you are on the right track. I know recovery can be frustrating and take a while, but you actually *sound* a lot better than you did last time you posted. You also seem to be on the right track with a therapist and nutritionist. It's great that are working on your eating and body image issues and I hope your recovery will be amazing. If you can, keep us posted or if you need help, you know we're always here.
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina