What can I say to my daughter to prevent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
What can I say to my daughter to prevent
3
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 8:07am
Hello. I hope someone here can help me. I'm worried about my 5yr old. Yes I said 5. Isn't that sad. She is in kindergarten. Since school started I've heard her say a couple times that her legs are fat. They aren't. And I've told her NO, they are muscular. She has big bones and a muscular build. She isn't fat at all. Then yesterday when I was helping her dress, she put on a new shirt. She said she didn't want to wear it because it made her look fat. I'm just sick about this. She's too little to be thinking this way. I'm worried she's going to end up with an eating disorder. She already has anxiety and is a perfectionist. I think I may know where she's gotten the idea of her being fat. I always felt big and fat next to my sister who is 2 inches shorter than myself and has tiny bones. Even though I'm short myself I have a bigger frame than my sister so I always saw myself as big. My daughter is very close with her cousin and one little girl at school. And both of them are very petite. So I think maybe she's feeling the way I did. I also wonder if someone at school told her she was fat. Is there anyting I can do or say other than NO, you're not fat, to get it through her head? Thanks

Samantha

Samantha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 8:48am

Hi Samantha,


I am so glad you found this board and are reaching out for help. It must be scary to hear your little girl talk about body image at such a young age. It sounds like you are close to your daughter so I would just be open and honest with her and ask her why she thinks she is fat. There might be a true physical reason like you mentioned or it could be an underlying emotional reason. You said she has anxiety - do you know why and what it is about? Sometimes anxiety can lead to a focus on food or our bodies for a variety of reasons. Just keep talking to her, see if you can get her to open up about why she feels the way she does and go from there. Although she is still young, you may want to consider therapy if it continues to be an issue rather than let it get out of hand.


I personally do not have children so I can only speak from my own experience as a child. Hopefully some of the other women here who do have children will have some more suggestions. You may also want to check www.somethingfishy.org. It's for people with EDs but also has helpful information for loved ones of people with EDs. And of course feel free to post here anytime - I hope you will find the support and answers you are looking for.

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 3:55am
Dear Samantha,

My heart goes out to you and your daughter! No age is "old enough" to merit body hatred, but to hear those things from a five-year-old is especially disheartening. Thank goodness she has a mom who is tuned in and ready to do anything to help her.

In addition to Kristina's good suggestions, I would like to add two things.

First, has she ever had a strep infection (strep throat)? There have been studies to suggest that childhood strep infections can influence/ cause obsessive-compulsive disorders, including eating disorders. The perfectionism and anxiety may be a part of that. Maybe this doesn't apply to your daughter, but I think it's useful to recognize that seemingly unrelated health problems can and do affect mental health.

Secondly: Is she pretty physically active? I think that is such an important part of good body image. You have to be super careful (and it sounds like you would be!) not to make it about calories/ weight/ "burning" food/ appearance, etc. At five years old it's all about playing. In our society, it's incredibly difficult to see exercise as leisure. We always think of it in terms of a means to one or many ends: to look better, to get big muscles, to get smaller, to get bigger, to improve health, to ward off cancer, to get fast, to win competitions, etc. And absolutely, it is a means to all those things. However, above all we must think of it as a part of a flourishing human life. We are given bodies, and are free to use them as we choose. When you see exercise as a way of contributing to a good life, and can just say "I do it for its own sake, because it's good for me," it's no longer about pressure and image and outcome. You simply recognize that you are a being whose body's *design* is to move and play and do all sorts of marvellous things, and you choose to do them for the good of your whole being. And you do them in such a way that they are good for your whole being. The rest of the benefits flow naturally, but the healthy attitude begins with acknowledging the human person and the good for a human being, which is happiness (which consists in virtue).

So, you're probably wondering what the heck that had to do with your girl. (FYI, That was all sort of my take on the ancient Greeks' idea of leisure, but it works even better from a Christian or simply theistic perspective.) My point is this: you are the model and the director of your daughter's life. You are THE most important person in her world. If you can model an excellent human life, if you can be a woman of true virtue who values her own life and therefore the things that contribute to a good life, then you will help your daughter to counter the BS she's going to get (and is getting) from our culture. Why do we who have eating disorders do what we do? For one thing (and a BIG thing), we're trying to get good things. Love, safety, happiness. Society reinforces the idea that these are obtained through physical pleasure, possession, consumption, and the power to control others. Unless a person (eating disordered or otherwise) realizes true happiness consists in living a good life, recovery and health are impossible.

Human beings are social beings! She will learn to love and choose the good when she sees it through you. So, you should do your best to instill virtue in your daughter and help her always to see herself as *human*, not merely as a body, a machine, an object. The world (especially the social sciences) will try to tell her she is just a very complicated machine or sophisticated animal. We have "psychologized," "theorized," and and "materialized" the world, at the expense of the the uniqueness and dignity of the human person. You must help her to see that she is more than a body-- she is a human being with a soul, reason, and the freedom of choice.

I'm not sure how helpful that was! I hope some of it makes sense or even inspires you to read some Aristotle (or better yet, Aquinas!). ;) My main point is that there is more at stake for your daughter than just "I don't think I'm pretty." When you shift the focus to "I'm muscular," that's still at the appearance level. Unless she understands that her body and her whole being has a purpose-- to glorify God by living a good human life as it was meant to be lived-- the dissatisfaction will merely morph into other manifestations.

You will be in my prayers.

Love,

Starfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 8:49am
Thank you Kristina and Starfish for your reply's. Krisitina, you asked about my dd's anxiety. She had Selective Mutism, an anxiety disorder. She was diagnosed when she was 3 after having problems in preschool & at home. She's very rarely mute any more but the anxiety about school is still there. It sometimes pops up in other situations as well.

As far as talking to her about her feelings....I can't do that directly. I'll have to find a way to bring it up through play or reading books. If I just try to sit down and talk to her about her feelings she'll go mute on me. Nothings easy with her but its well worth it :)

Samantha

Samantha