binged...help! (maybe trigs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
binged...help! (maybe trigs)
3
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:20am
i was feeling so positive about getting started on recovery a couple of weeks ago when i first posted here. then i slipped right back into my habit and fasted for four days. i ate a little bit on the fourth day, then fasted again for 3 days. and then last night i finally binged on cereal and ice cream and candy. it was horrible, i'm so mad at myself and i hate knowing i ate last night and this feeling of being so un-empty. i am so miserable and emotionally unstable this morning, i don't know how to salvage this.

the thing that scares me the most is i know that every time i binge, it's my body showing me i can't do this anymore. my body is telling me that eventually it will make me eat. i am a logical person, i have read plenty of diet books and i know what is going on. i should be using this binge as an opportunity to never feel this way again. but instead i use it as an excuse to hate myself and start a fast again. the loss of control makes me so angry. what am i going to do when my body can't keep this up anymore? just yesterday afternoon i was feeling like i could fast forever. and today i feel like my body betrayed me.

i have the hardest time talking about this out loud, so it is so good to be able to post here. i am sorry if anything i say triggers anyone and i am trying to be careful about that and still get out what i need to get out.

i'm still going to go to OA tonight. even if i can't say anything out loud at the meetings, maybe someday i will be able to and i need to stay involved in something that encourages me to stop doing this crap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 10:19am

Sweetie, try not to beat yourself up. What you are describing is not uncommon in recovery. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but I pretty much went through the same thing. There were times I felt SO confident about my recovery and getting better and then it would hit me out of no-where.


I had 9 months of recovery and then a week ago I had a semi-relapse. Didn't even see it coming. The difference now is that I don't feel shame or guilt anymore and I try to look at what might have caused it and how can I do things differently next time. That is what I recommend you try to do, as hard as that may seem right now. Your entire focus is on the 'fasting' (which is really starvation/anorexia) and the binge. That's what eating disorders are all about. You do what ever it takes, whether it's starvation, binging, and/or purging, to shift the focus away from the underyling cause(s) of your ED. If you can, sit down and journal about your feelings. If you can't get to your feelings, just write about your life right now. What do you enjoy, what brings you joy and equally, what's troublesome, scary, or frustrating. There is something bigger and deeper going on than the fact that you want to starve yourself and ended up bingeing.


I am a logical person, too, and thought I would be able to figure it out on my own based on the knowledge I gained through reading, but there is a huge emotional component with EDs and any addiction really. That's what you need to focus on. Going to OA is great, even if you can't share right now. I had the same problem in the beginning but once you do, it gets easier every time. After a while I was volunteering to lead the meetings. Just hearing others share will be helpful. See who you identify with the most and find out if that person is a sponsor. Working with a sponsor in OA will be so helpful because you can call her when things get rough, when you want to binge or starve yourself.


Going to therapy would be beneficial, too. It will definitely help you get to the emotional causes of your ED faster. Most of all, don't give up. I know this is hard and it's frustrating, but life is so much better without ED. I am not completely free of my ED but my issues now are minimal compared to what my life used to be like and I wouldn't go back to my ED ways for anything in the world. Reach out to friends and family if you can. You need all tlhe support you can get and while this board is great, you need more than just us...someone you can talk to in person and who can hug you when you're hurting.

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:51am
Thank you Kristina, I needed to read something kind this morning. I skipped the OA meeting on Friday, had a horrible weekend as far as eating is concerned. And I feel like everything is going to fall apart. It's like I can't get control of myself.

Although my husband and I are separated we are still really close and may end up back together...anyway he is the main place I look for support since I live really far away from family and I think I have worn my friends out because I haven't stopped doing this.

I don't know why I skipped the OA meeting. Some days I feel like if I've eaten, I'm on a slide...I need to just keep eating and I can start over starving tomorrow. I think that's what happened on Friday. I felt like I had already eaten and was out of control and couldn't go to OA feeling like that. Also I am scared I will cry. Everyone was so nice at the first meeting I went to, I know they wouldn't care if I cried. I guess part of my eating thing is closing myself off and I'm afraid to stop doing that.

I am 20 pounds above my lowest weight and it scares the crap out of me. It's all I think about. In that book Bulimarexia that I wrote about in another post, the therapists said to their patients "What if your current weight is as good as it gets? What if you never lose more weight and will be at this weight or higher forever?" The point of them asking was to show the patients that they might have nothing but more misery and suffering to look forward to if they continued with their eating disorders. I can't stop thinking about that. What if this is as good as it gets for me? Can recovery make it better, even if I permanently gain weight? If I'm going to struggle with starving and binging forever and still weigh what I weigh now, recovery has to be better. I believe you Kristina when you talk about how much better life is without this mess. I'm just afraid to let go of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 1:20pm
hi

i think i mite b givin u the same advice as sum others, but i wud really recommend u tell a friend...a friend hoo will support u and help u stop this. i think u r so brave 2 go 2 those meetings and i admire u so much 4 tryin 2 get help...ur rite u no, 1 day u will b able 2 stand up and say "i used to hav an eating disorder, but i got through it...it was long and painful and there was more than one setback, but i did it!!" u will be so proud of ur achievement and every1 else will admire u 4 it, especially me...

good luck...we all no u can do it...remember....1 setback dos not erase all the time u hav bin doin so well, and the fact that u r trying 2 get help is sumthing 2 b proud of, a huge step...congrats.

we no u can oversome this, we hav faith,

lauren x x x

hope i helpd in any way

one more thing...take each day one step at a time, shut the previous dfay from ur mind and start afresh...i think thats the best way to get thru it. if u hav sum1 u can tel, i wud definitely recommend it...just 2 give tthe odd nudge in the rite direction if u feel a relapse cumin...