Screwed up bad. (May trigger )
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Screwed up bad. (May trigger )
| Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:44am |
Well i am here not so sure if i should be. I screwed up yesterday and got so angry at me. It really started the day before with my neice that lives with us. She was fine on the way home and there is something about home i guess. Well she got so nasty i finally said got to bed just go up and shut up and close your eyes. I have never wanted to slap her before as bad as i did then. So i just sent her to bed if she had said one more word i would have. An my rule is to never make them feel like i did all my life so i get away from them all as quick as i can.
Then wednesday i am at lunch and a teacher askes me for my address. I have to be stupid and ask why. Well she is a very sweet teacher and her daughter is getting married. So she said because there are the four of us who share everything together. She was sending me an invation to Trina's wedding because she did not want me to feel left out. But does not stop there goes on to say but i told trina you don't eat so you wont come anyway. Then come home and get treated like crap from the other neice and all because she had back homework, and i asked her to do it. But no sge wants to do something elnce. So i just shut my mouth and went and made dinner. Well i don't eat yet but i decided i will fix them. I made pizza and when it came out of the oven i cut a pice and shooved it in my mouth. I did not hurt anyone but me though because no one knows. Now i have these blisters all inside my mouth. Now i have a reson not to eat and my hubby asked my if i wanted any pizza what could i tell him. So i just said no not tonight.
This is my own fault and it scares me to think what is next. What will i do to me next? I wish i even cared about what happenes to me but i don't. I want to be better but in my eyes why do i just to face the hell i live in right now. I don't now what could be next for me ?
Then wednesday i am at lunch and a teacher askes me for my address. I have to be stupid and ask why. Well she is a very sweet teacher and her daughter is getting married. So she said because there are the four of us who share everything together. She was sending me an invation to Trina's wedding because she did not want me to feel left out. But does not stop there goes on to say but i told trina you don't eat so you wont come anyway. Then come home and get treated like crap from the other neice and all because she had back homework, and i asked her to do it. But no sge wants to do something elnce. So i just shut my mouth and went and made dinner. Well i don't eat yet but i decided i will fix them. I made pizza and when it came out of the oven i cut a pice and shooved it in my mouth. I did not hurt anyone but me though because no one knows. Now i have these blisters all inside my mouth. Now i have a reson not to eat and my hubby asked my if i wanted any pizza what could i tell him. So i just said no not tonight.
This is my own fault and it scares me to think what is next. What will i do to me next? I wish i even cared about what happenes to me but i don't. I want to be better but in my eyes why do i just to face the hell i live in right now. I don't now what could be next for me ?
Janet

and when people say things like that about you not eating, it's probably because she's worried about you, not because she wants to hurt you. i've had plenty of people talk about my weight and how i don't eat. none of them want to hurt me, they're just letting me know they notice...and she's kind of reminding you that if you ate at the wedding it would be a lot more fun to go :)
i don't view having a hard time dealing with children smarting off as a screw up. maybe you are so sensitive to her behavior because you are battling this eating stuff inside you.
defintely keep posting here!
it seems to me that it is your nieces that upset you; if they knew what you were going through, they would be a lot nicer...i know it seems impossible to tell anyone, i think ck is right; find a therapist; you definitely need someone who will listen to you puring your heart out, and reespond straight away. Perhaps you could start a diary and serrupticiously leave it somewhere one of your nieces might find it; that way you are letting you thoughts out and you dont have to actually tall your niece...
i agree with ck about the person who said you dont eat; they prob just wannted to let you know that they noticed...
gd luck
keep us all posted...you dont seem to be havin a great time of it,,,e-mail me anytime you like smokinqueen@hotmail.com
lauren x x x