Advice needed about daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Advice needed about daughter
5
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:14pm
My daughter, who just turned 12, has decided that she is "fat" and has pretty much stopped eating. Right now she is only about 8-9% underweight, and is in no medical danger. However, I want to nip this in the bud. I will put her into a treatment program if necessary, but first I would like to try a few things here at home for about a month. I'm asking advice from those of you who've been there.

She's a sociable girl with lots of friends, and my basic idea is to grant privileges to be with her friends when her weight is stable, and to take social privileges away if she loses weight.

I've explained to her that she is not fat, and that she never has been fat. She denied this, and I said, No, you're not thinking right. You're not fat. (Yes I am!!) You actually are rather thin. (No I'm not!!) That's because you're not eating. (Yes I am!!) It's not my job to watch what you eat and how much, and I'm not going to. It's your job to know when you're hungry and to know what and how much to eat. My job is to make sure that you stay healthy, and if you lose more weight your health will be in danger. So I'm going to watch your weight. If it stays the same, or if you gain weight, you can go to the movies on Sunday with your friends, and hang out with them and use the phone and email. If you lose weight, you will be grounded and there will be no telephone or email privileges until your weight gets back to where it was.

I weigh her once each day, early in the morning, and don't tell her or let her see what she weighs. I've simply told her that I will decide at the end of the week whether she gets social privileges or not. The rest is up to her. She is of course very angry, but I can live with that. She's the youngest of 3, and by now I'm used to angry adolescents.

Any thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? This is all new and frightening to me, and I need HELP!!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:39am
Hi there,

I'm glad you're reaching out for help and advice. Althought I am an ED "sufferer" (hate that term, but can't think of a better one) and not a mommy, I have often thought of the terrible suffering of parents for their sick children. I pray that your daughter will be well soon.

However, I must tell you that I think your approach is a really bad idea. It seems logical enough (child misbehaves, parent initiates consequences that discourage the negative behavior). However, eating disorders are never a simple behavioral problem. They're rarely even just a psychological problem, for that matter. It's possible that your daughter has a physiological problem (zinc deficiency, childhood strep infections... there are several linked to eating disorders) that's affecting her thinking. She may have a psychological problem. She may have relationship problems. More than likely, she has a little of all of the above.

In any case, whatever the cause of the eating disorder, if you zero in on her weight as the determinant of health and therefore priveleges, you are mirroring her own obsession. It just reinforces the disordered thought that what you do or don't eat, what you weigh or don't weigh, what you do or don't look like-- determine the sort of person you are. I can guarantee there is something going on besides feeling fat. What she needs is for someone to help treat the real causes of her disordered thoughts and behavior. And this should not be your own job... she needs someone with experience in eating disorders (and ideally, with childhood eating disorders). This is dangerous stuff, and there can be medical complications that aren't visible (e.g. bone loss, electrolyte imbalance, not to mention the effects of starvation on the brain).

There are some good websites with advice for parents and help finding treatment. One of these is www.something-fishy.org and I know our CL Kristina has a few other suggestions. Please consider getting help for your daughter. There are resources available if you can't afford it. You may succeed in getting her to maintain her weight for NOW, but she may just get more sick when she's older.

Check back soon. You'll be in my prayers.

Starfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 7:25am

Hi - my heart goes out to you and your daughter. It must be so difficult for you to see your daughter go through this and equally, this is hard for your daughter.


Before I comment on your post I want you to know that I do not have children and can only speak from my own experience as a child and now adult struggling with an eating disorder. When I was going through it at first, it was all about attention. I wanted to be noticed and to be helped. You are doing that and I think that is awesome. So many mothers don't even recognize that there is something going on with their children. My concern is your focus on her weight and eating. Daily weighing is great for you to keep track of her weight, but daily weighing is something a lot of people with EDs get addicted to and then have a hard time giving it up. The goal is to shift the focus AWAY from her body and to the person she is inside. I personally don't think that using punishment for not eating is going to be effective. It just reinforces that there is something good or bad about eating and food. If she decides to eat in order to be able to use the phone, go out, etc., she may then decide to start throwing up or using other ways to get rid of the food.


My suggestion would actually be to take her to a good therapist and ideally someone who has experience in helping people with eating disorders. You may want to go to www.somethingfishy.org and read about the nature of EDs and they also have links to other resources like books and treatment centers (I don't think your daughter needs to be in a treatment center at this point). The more you know about EDs, the better you will be able to help your daughter. Some other websites to check are www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org, www.overeatersanonymous.org, and www.anorexicsanonymous.com.


If you don't want to take her to a therapist quite yet, I would try talking to her. See if she will open up to you and tell you what's going on in her life that may be difficult. It could be peer (sp?) pressure at school, something that happened years ago, or something in the future that she is worried about or afraid of. As far as grounding her if she doesn't eat, I really don't think that is a good course of action. This is where a therapist would be more helpful. There are also some women on here occasionally who have children, so I hope that you will get some more replies.


Please check back any time with questions, concerns, or just to vent if you need to. We also have a chat on Monday nights @ 9 PM ET. You can get answers more quickly there. And please let us know how things go. I will say a prayer for you and your daughter.



Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.




Edited 5/21/2004 2:07 pm ET ET by cl-kkcarlton

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:58am
hi

other ppl on this board will post messages, all answering your questions, but most of them are all a bit older, im 15 and have had an ed for about 2yrs now, so the memory of life pre-teen is a little fresher in my memory. i started my ed because i wanted someone to notice me (though i did all i could to hide it from everyone, still do) especially my parents; they still havent really noticed, or if they know somthings wrong, theyre not helping-two days ago my mum told me no one would notice if i was pregnant!! she may have been referring to me eating weird things so no one would notice the cravings, but if you suspect your daughter has an aed, you shouldnt say that to them!! if i were u, i would back off a bit; give her a bit of space, but let her know you are there if she ever needs you, then go and talk to her in a couple days or so, when you know more about eds and all the lovely people on this board have given you some tips on how to handle it. i know my freind has en ed; so do her p[arents; they made her eat breakkie and dinner and she got complettely depressed; this started about a yr ago; she still doesnt eat lunch and still hates erself for having eaten so much. it doesnt make it go away, force-feeding...that should be the last resort...

definitely check out the therapists near you, and if, after your chat, you dont feel you can help at all, and your daughter hasnt talked to you and she still isnt eating, talk to her about therapy; she probably doesnt want to go...i would hate it, my freind went and said it was the worst hour of her life, but all people are different, and maybe she needs to let all her feelings out to someone who doesnt know her; maybe recommend she uses this board, or another, so that she has support from ppl with experience with eds, and may understand her better...and she'll have anonymity...no repercussions, but a vent for feelings....very very helpful to me...

i dont think you should draw attention to this...dont make it a big thing, dont get ppl to watch her eating as that will just make her want to eat less...watch her, but dont watch her openly...if she has completely stopped eating, you should take her to a therapist straight away or get her to come on this board as she really needs help; we could try...

sorry if ive rambled on pointlessly...

my e-mail address is smokinqueen@hotmail.com you can both e-mail me any time you like...

i live in the uk...do u? if u live in USA, go to eatingdisordersanonymous.org i think...ask the cl...you could get an ed sponsor or find out if any meetings are taking place near you...there arent any near me as they are all in the USA, but you might be more lucky...you never know.

the only way she is going to get better, is if she wants to, which is why i recommend the board or a therapist...someone to talk to if she cant talk to you...there is only so much you can do for her, and forcing her to eat may turn her bulimic...

i dont think she needs to be sent to a treatment center straight away; she would just feel fat when compared with all the half-starved ppl there...anyone would...try to keep her life normal, but make sure she knows you have noticed she is havin a problem, make sure she knows you love her and would do anything to help, you're there any time...it is terrifying thinking of telling my parents as i dont know what they would do...i cant really talk to them, but maybe you have a close relationship, maybe she has a close friend or someone, to tell...i never actually told anyone; my friend guessed and i agreed when we went on a skitrip, shared a room and i heard her trying to make herself sick-i asked her what she was doing and she admitted it, i sed "i do it evry day" she sed "i thought so" from then on we always talked to each other about it more, bout our parents, problems, life in general. (though she hasnt very gd ppl skills and insinuated i was so fat it was unhealthy...since then, ive just gone off her a bit, though we still rite notes to each other in class...she didnt mean it, but im not that fat, however much ppl around me seem to think it...) anyway, ask her to talk to someone; the anonymity on these boards is ab fab...just give her the idea, you never know, she might listen...though she might avoid this board if she knows ur a member and might read her posts, so tell her ur a member here, so she has the freedom to chose any of the many others out there. (though this one is obviously the best heehee).

hope you or her can e-mail sometime...or both...

gd luck, and sorry if im a bit long-winded!!

lauren x x x
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 1:05pm
Hi there.

I am glad you are looking for help and advice. I have read the other posts and agree with most of what is in them, but I wanted to share a little bit with you because I AM a mom and I have been on my journey with anorexia since I was 7 (I am now 33). I have a son who is 13 and he too has viewed himself as fat. He isn't fat. Unlike everyone else, my eating disorder didn't start because I wanted to get noticed, it started because I wanted to disappear! I didn't want anyone to notice me. Here are my thoughts:

You can tell her until you are blue in the face that she is not fat, but it doesn't change anything for her. In fact, it probably just frustrates her. I understand that to you she is not fat, but she doesn't get it. And you are right, she isn't thinking clearly, but pointing it out doesn't do any good either. You are treating this as a regular discipline problem and it isn't!!! You are reinforcing to her the obsession of weight and even if you don't let her see or tell her what she is weighing in at, by what you do or don't let her do tells her everything she needs to know. Weighing her daily is enforcing a bad habit that can turn to a lifelong obsession. I personally do not own a scale because it is a death trap for me.

Rewards and punishment don't work for an eating disorder or even a potential eating disorder. By doing this, you are enforcing that eating and/or food is good and bad (confusing message). You are also putting worth on her as a person by what she does and does not eat. Horrible viscious cycle!!!! I am a person NEVER what I do and/or don't eat. It took me years to understand this.

My father tried some of the same things you are, but they just reinforced to me what a horrible person I was and it feed into the disorder. My first suggestion would be to stop emphasizing her weight and start emphasizing the person. Sit down with her, without anger, without prejudice, and with an open mind. Don't judge, just listen and be there. So hard to do!!!!!!! Is something going on at school? Where does she feel out of control, where does she feel she needs to gain back control? Why does she think she is fat? (Do not say she is not fat!) Where does she think she is fat? (Do not say she is not fat!!!!!) Do not agree or disgree, this about trying to understand. If it gets to be too much, then excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, take some deep breaths and come back! Ask her what is is like to be 12, what fears she has, what goals, what problems etc. Open lines of communication can be a great help. If this doesn't work look for a therpist that specializes in childhood eating disorders. I agree with the other mentioned websites, they are a great source of info. Tell her about this board and let her know there are others like it.

Don't know if I have helped, but thank you for reaading it. You can e-mail me, if you would like, at cloughpair@earthlink.net I am proof that this is life on the other side of an eating disorder! I am maintaining a healthy weight (healthy defined by my doctor) and I am comfortable!!!! I dont' obsess every day, all day about what I will and won't eat. I live my life most days without eating disorder issues!

Please take care of yourself and know you and your daughter are in my thoughts!

Gloria

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 9:56pm
Hi there.

I am 19, and have been anorexic for five and half years, maybe 6.

My mum began make me sit at the table, and put a plate and made me eat it, I would cry, and say how hard it was, how I could not.

She tried to help me, and bought low fat versions, or brands I felt better with, and I ate more that way, but she still made me eat at set times.

I turned bulimic because of this. When she found out I was bulimic she went crazy at me, yelled, hit me, cried, ignored me, and enforced a doctors trip on me.

I was wieghed infront of her, spoken about, commented about, while I was in the room, I felt like I was invisible.

The doctor sent me out, and they spoke alone, I do not know what they said, but it helped alot.

I later found out, he told her to not enforce food so strictly, do not focus on numbers, food, and wieght.

Promote open lines of talking, let her know your there for her.

It's hard, but I haven't eaten a family meal, at the table for over 3 years now, it's so painful, frustrating and difficult for all.

I often eat alone, but if I was forced to eat infront of others, and controlled again like that, I would starve even more.

The main point, WIEGHING ALL THE TIME, FORCING SET MEALS/FOODS IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO!!!

It drives you deeper into the eating disorder.

After all the control and abuse she gave me about food, the fights, the crying sessions, I was taken to a hospital for ED's, I was made to eat, because I was very unsafe with my wieght, was very underwieght, BUT it helped me so much!

They were understanding, listened, and were patient. They had open lines, asked us to talk about WHY we do this, not what we do.

Numbers, foods, and dates, mean nothing.

Your daughter is in pain, alot of pain to drive her to do this. Ask her WHY, hold her, offer your time to her.

This is so very hard for you I am sure, I see my mum crying inside when she looks at my frail body each day, I cry too inside, then go do some more starving or something to lose wieght, as I am so "fat".

I hope you can reply to this soon, and tell how you are both doing, but I urge you to seek someone to talk for yourself too.

You need support right now too!

I will check when I can, for your update, I may be going into a hospital treatment programme soon for my anorexia and behaviours, but I will check this whenever I can, wherever I can.

Look after yourself, look after your daughter, don't push her away, be there for her.

There are no rules, just love, and lots of time for each other, it's the best way, it's the only way to help her.

Good luck my friend.

Katie

x