weight concerns/gorging/diets/New here
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| Mon, 05-31-2004 - 1:06am |
I've always felt bad about my weight. A couple of years ago I hit the fattest I've ever been at 186 pounds. I think I'm at 174 right now. I'd obsess about it, but couldn't diet very well as I would immediately gorge out when I started a diet. I've started taking Trim-spa two pills twice daily and herbalife two pills with each time I eat (its suppose to absorb carbs). I also substitute a slimfast for a meal almost everyday. Usually I eat one or two meals a day. I obsess on what I'm eating, and take the bread off and eat just the grilled chicken (plain) if we eat out. I try really hard and I've started exercizing a little bit too, but not like I would like to do.
Whenever I eat until I'm full, I can't stop thinking about throwing up, to get rid of the food before I digest it and 'blow' my diet. I ate fried shrimp at red lobster, and a biscuit and went to the bathroom and actually did make myself throwup a couple of weeks ago. I hate always feeling so terrible about myself if I eat. I've just about eliminated bread and cocacola from my diet, at least to a very minimal. I use to eat nothing but bread products and drink only cokes.
After I eat something, especially if I think I ate too much, or something that may have carbs or fat, I always take the diet pills and exercise, but I still feel guilty. After I threw up that time a couple of weeks ago, I thought oh crap, does that make me bulimic? I don't want to destroy my esophogus (sp?) or the enamel on my teeth not to mention the fact that throwing up is well... gross to me. It seems that I want to lose weight NOW, kwim? I'm afraid that I'll always be fat.
My Fiancee is very supportive, he says he loves me the way I am, but that he will support me and he reminds me to take my diet pills and exercise. Oddly enough, when he does that, it makes me feel even worse and even more fat and ugly. Is that insane? He's just trying to be supportive.
I got this juice stuff hollywood diet- I'm going to do. He didn't want me to do it when he was home because he'd feel guilty eating in front of me. So I'll do it on the weekend that he works. You drink just water and the juice for two days and supposedly lose weight. I tried it once before, but I failed because I was hungry and I started grabbing crap out of the fridge to eat.
I ate a brownie today and wanted to throw up, but I didn't. Now I feel like crap for having eaten it.
I don't know if I'm just struggling with my weight problem, or if I've got an ed. but I can't talk to my granny about this, nor my fiancee. My family does think I'm fat. It makes me feel really bad. I'm getting married in July and I had to get a size 16 dress.
Very depressed about my weight.
Anna

Hi Anna,
I am sorry you are struggling so much, especially before your wedding. It can be stressful preparing for a wedding, but this should also be a happy time in your life.
Right now I wouldn't worry so much if you are just struggling with a weight problem or have an ED. The truth is you are struggling with your weight, your eating patterns are not normal, and you have made yourself throw up. People who don't have food issues eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full and probably have occasional splurges but then don't worry about it afterwards. Your eating habits sound very restricting then compulsive because you have been too restrictive. And obviously making yourself throw up is not healthy or what people typically do when they feel they have eaten too much.
It does sound like you there is more going on than just a weight issue. You said that you have always felt bad about your weight - does that mean since childhood? Was there ever a time when you felt ok about yourself and eating?
My suggestion would be to start reading more about EDs on our community website http://pages.ivillage.com/eatingdisorders/
Love & hugs, Kristina
i know exactly how you feel; its how i started...i think you should tell your fiance, so that you have someone to talk to, so that you dont feel so alone...it is soooooo comforting having someone to talk to...if you really feel you cant do that, please come on here and vent all your feelings...we all want to help in any way we can
i didnt want anyone to actually know who i am and what my little secret is...i still dont, and only one person does, (she has a similar problem), if you feel like that, you can get any help you want over the phone or on-line; search the web, or ask cl-kkcarlton (she knows about these things, and gave you a few sites in her reply).
whatever you do, dont bottle up your feelings; you'll depress yourself and probably dwell on it all, and have a big problem ie like me...i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy...noone would...
you must be really excited about spending the rest of your life with the man you love...maybe it would help if you talked to him about this...you are going to spend the rest of your life with him; he would want to know, and try to help in any way he can...try telling him how you feel when he reminds you take those pills...i know, i know; easier said than done...but i do think he would want to knoew, want to help, not hurt you...
gd luck with everything, dont keep it all bottled up; those feelings will surface one day...tell your fiance, let him help you through this.
lauren x x x
ps. we are always here if you need to 'talk'