Jealousy over friend's ED *trigger*
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Jealousy over friend's ED *trigger*
| Tue, 06-08-2004 - 12:29am |
One of my best friends and I have both struggled with anorexia for several years, and she's been a great source of compassion and support to me. She recently confided to me that she went to the doctor and he/she said that she's too thin and needs to gain weight. I am concerned for her health, but I am also extremely jealous. I admitted that I am jealous, and she assured me that I'm thinner than her, which I doubt, but it calmed me down all the same. She's one of the best friends I've ever had, though, and I don't want to be jealous of something like this. I don't think it's fair to ask her not to mention her doctor's appointments and weight issues with me because she's always ready to listen to mine, and as a friend, I should be there to listen to hers, too. She's a very sensitive, understanding person, so I'm sure that she would stop mentioning these things to me if I really wanted her to, but I honestly don't think it would be fair of me to do that. Is anyone in a similar situation and/or does anyone have any advice? Please help!
Stacy

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Stacy,
While comparing ourselves to others is not healthy, it's very typical in people with EDs. I still do it myself, the only difference is that I don't really let it get to me anymore and it doesn't trigger any ED behaviours otherwise.
It sounds like you have a very cool friendship with her and I believe being open and honest is the best way to go. Tell her exactly what you told us, that you don't think it's fair for her to stop talking about her issues, but that you are having a hard time dealing with it emotionally. Ask her what both of you can do to help each other. She could help you by not mentioning certain issues and maybe there are ways you can help her. And keep opening up here about what's going on. You don't want to hold all those feelings inside. IT would also be good if you had another support person that does not have an ED. Simply because people with EDs can trigger us as you noted.
Let us know how it goes. Most of all, don't beat yourself up for how you feel. It's all part of having an ED and doesn't make you a bad person. I am sure you are a wonderful friend or you wouldn't even be posting here about this.
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
I agree with Kristina. The comparison game is a nasty part of having an ED, but it sort of comes with the territory.
For me, it usually boils down to: What do I want out of this ED? When I'm jealous/ afraid of another person's ED, I'm usually feeling like they're going to get the thing that I wanted, or they're doing it better than I ever will, or they've "figured it out," or they're winning the one thing I thought I had a shot at, or etc. I've had to ask myself, Well what did you want out of this? Is it genuine? And how much has it/ will it cost?
It also helps to look honestly at what it has cost other people. I'm sometimes guilty of having an imaginary sect of eating-disordered folk in my head who "get away with it all." They manage to maintain an ED and get all its benefits without the consequences. I have never met such a person, and the people I have met with ED's usually bring on a reality check. However, if I start to get jealous of how "sick" they are, it still usually comes back to that question: What do you want out of this? (To be noticed, to be taken care of, to escape something, whatever...)
I don't know if any of this fits for you, but I hope you can sort things out with your friend. I think it's a bit of a dance to be friends with another struggling ED'er, but like you, I have some really valuable friendships that are worth it! As long as you're both committed to health and loving life, you can get through this.
Love,
Starfish
Thanks for all your advice and support! I really appreciate your compassion and caring. I think that I will talk to my friend about the way that it makes me feel when she goes into details about her eating disorder, but I'm going to assure her that it's not her fault that I feel jealous or anxious. I feel so awful and selfish about all of this. She just seems like such a strong person. She always listens to me and gives me such good advice and support. I feel like a horrible friend because I'm not as strong as she is. I know that she will be understanding, but I still feel really guilty. Thanks again for everything!
Stacy
Stacy
Hi Stacy,
One thing I have learned in my ED years and my time in recovery, is that sometimes there are people who are there for us, despite their own struggles,
Love & hugs, Kristina
I sent my friend an e-mail and just poured out my heart to her. I told her how much I appreciate her and how sorry I am that I'm not as good with support as she is and other stuff like that. I haven't heard back from her yet, but I'm not worried about her response. I know that she will be kind and sympathetic, as always. I am trying to be supportive to her in other ways, since I'm not great with the eating disorder support right now. She is still in love with her ex-boyfriend and she has a lot of anxiety over whether or not they will ever get back together. I've been in similar situations myself with relationships, and it's been easier to support her on issues like that. She has more self-esteem issues than I do, and I like to be able to reassure her that she is beautiful and intelligent and perfect just the way she is. Thanks for all of your help! I'm such a mess sometimes.
Stacy
im in pretty much the same situation as you...my freind and i both have eds...she's bben noticed, i havent, she'd gone to therapy, i havent, her parents make her eat, mine tell me i need to stop snacking all the time...it makes me very jealous, especially when she still insists she's fat, hasnt lost any weight, im thinner than her etc (which im not btw and thats the truth...i have my bmi 2 prove it...) i dont want anyone to know, dont want my parents to force me to eat, dont want to go to therapy...but it makes me jealous and often sparks off a bings / restriction...i think you have to tell her how you feel...for your sake especially, but hers 2 - you dont want her to find out, feel guilty, hate herself etc etc it wont be easy...but i really think you must tell her...i havent told my frend and the results have not been pleasant...
hope you have more courage than me and can tell her...itll be better for both of you in the long run...
good luck
lauren x x x
Thanks for your advice! I'm sorry that you are in the same situation as I am. It's definitely no fun. Do you think that you are going to tell your friend how you feel?
Stacy
im not sure if i'll tell my friend...she seems to be eating more now ie snack at break or a little lunch, so ive been advised not to talk to her about how much we ate at the weekend etc...i was very close to telling her a couple of weeks ago (before half-term and the advice not to talk to her about it) as she kept talking about how her parents were making her eat, but it made her depressed so she didnt see that it also made me depressed coz my parents havent even noticed...but now that she seems to be eating more on her own, i wont talk to her about that sort of thing so i dont think i will tell her...it would be hard if i did coz i know she needs to tell someone, and for a long time, that person was me...she wrote me a poem today saying there would be no other friend in the world like me...it made me feel absolutely awful when i read it and thought about my plan not to be that person anymore...its for both our sakes...dont want her to think her weekend was good/bad depending on how much she ate, want to help and this seems to be the best way to do that, but it still makes me sad...im going to be on this board a bit more now as sometimes i just reallyneed2talk!!(screen name hehe) so no, i dont think i will tell her, but thats only because we wont be talking bout it much any more...you and your friend probably talk about that sort of thing all the time, and you dont want to get depressed every time you talk to her; it could really ruin your friendship - you'll start to dread talking to her because of it, so its for both your sakes that you tell her (you might start to avoid her eventually, and she wont know why...thats thinking ahead, but its probably true...)
anyway, my advice is definitely tell her...is she a member of a board like this? coz if she isnt, she cold join one and talk about it all on there...just a suggestion...
i completely understand your jealousy and competitivness...you sound just like me...please tell her...for both your sakes...i ended up trying to avoid my friend while she was being taken to therapy coz i couldnt handle the fact ppl seemd to notice her, not me...tried to help her, and not me, and all the reasons that might be blah blah balh...you know what i mean...
hope you can find the courage to tell her...it would be better for both of you, i know from experience...
good luck
lauren x x x
I don't think that my friend is a member of iVillage. I e-mailed her a link to these message boards, though, so maybe she is on here somewhere and I just don't know it.
Stacy
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