All stressed out .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
All stressed out .....
3
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 8:20pm
>>>> Well i am so stressed today it was *yrs ago today i sat and watched my toddler die. 8:35 this morning i was being told Andy was gone. I remember i just wanted to yell out bring him back. But knew it would be for me not his sake. I would have been so selfish to him and hubby and Abe other son.

>>>>So as you guessed it was a real bad day. I was stupid today i over drank on water and went into the teacher lounge and purged at least 4 times today. I could not help it I need to feel his pain even if it is not. He was so sweet and all i want to do is hold him one more time. But even then that would not be enough.So for today i need to do this just to make it through the night. I will have to purge even though it is just water. I know my throt is so sore but i need to hurt like he did.

>>>> Kristina went to the docs and he knew what i had been doing all day. He wants me in the hospital but i just need time to work this about Andy out in my head. So i will be seeing him again in two weeks. He said he would have me put in against my will but did not feel it would do me any good at all. Not right now so we do blood work and meet for the next two weeks.

>>>> See you on monday . Also i have contacted a person from celebrate recovery. No one has gotten back to me yet.

>>>> I know all this sounds like a bunch of garbage and that i am whining and am so sorry if it sounds that way but i need to

sad mom

janet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 6:23am

Janet,


What you are describing sounds very, very painful. I have never been through anything like it and my heart goes out to you. My concern is that you are still purging over it after all these years. I am not saying you shouldn't be sad about what happened, but it sounds like from the time it happened you have used your ED to cope with it rather than walking through the pain. You should really, really consider seeing a therapist. As long as you keep relying on purging to help you make it through, you will not experience the real pain and move past it.


Please think about finding a therapist. All you have to do for now is find 2 or 3 that you might be able to see. You don't even have to make the phone call to them yet. Baby steps.

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 8:52am
cant imagint the pain you must be going through and if there is any small way we can help, just say the word...but kristina is right, if you continue to use your ed as a way to try and cope with all that pain, you will never really deal with, you will never be able to actually mourn for your son, never be able to move on (not forget, you never will, but accept it and remember the good times, the happy times, the fun you had together). if you do use your ed as a way of coping every year, you will never move on from it either - you will expect it once ayear, and may even continue it after the day is over. if your husband knows about your ed, perhaps you could talk to him about what happened...you certainly sound like you need to talk to someone, if not him than perhaps a therapist...to help you deal with what happened...

you cannot continue to live that way - you must be able to cope with what happened. i dont think you will ever stop feeling the pain, but you cant continue purging every time you feel it...you must try to stay strong, for you husband and son's sake, as well as yours, and andy's; no child would want their mother to go through what you put yourself through...it helps noone; especially not you, and not andy...

im sorry if i sound a bit harsh, but i cant think of a noce way to phrase it...

you definitely need 2 talk 2 sum1...let out all the pent up emotion...mourn for your son...then continue with your life, you wont forget him, but your husband and other son need you now...

good luck

try to look to the future, not the past. find the good in the situation; celebrate andy's life, dont destroy yourself over his death...celebrate his birth, his life and the miracle life is.

lauren x x x

sorry if this sounds stupid, but im sorry for your loss
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 9:50am
Janet, i'm very sorry for your pain and do not think your post was garbage.

I'm glad your doctor knows what happened and is going to keep an eye on you physically. Please take Kristina's advice and find someone to help you emotionally too.