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| Tue, 06-15-2004 - 5:41pm |
I used to be fairly heavy... I was 140lbs and 5'0, so one day I decided to lose weight. I lost about 30lbs in a healthy way by exercising and giving up junk food, etc. However, soon, the more weight I lost, the more I wanted to lose even more. I started eating a lot less, and increased the exercise. At the beginning of the year I was only eating fruit and was exercising for at least an hour everyday. I was done to 92lbs and really happy at that weight. Then my boyfriend saw I had a problem, and he helped me start eating better or at least for a short while because we are long distance. I ate much better, exercised for appropriate amounts, and all was well... until I started gaining weight again. I was terrified, but I knew it was most likely due to the fact that I was really constipated and hadn't had my period for a year so hormones were also to blame, so I figured I'd resort back to my old ways until my problems were fixed so that I didn't gain a ton of weight.
Every morning I weigh myself, and if I've gained weight I get extrememly upset, but I don't really starve myself anymore. I've cut back on calories, but anything I put into my mouth I feel extremely guilty about. After feeling really bloated from the whole constipation issue, I took a laxative, and the relief it brought me was just what I needed. I felt "thin" again. Then a couple of weeks later, I started taking them every couple of days because I loved that feeling of emptiness I could have while still eating a somewhat decent diet. Now I'm up to two a day, exercising for 80 minutes a day, as well as watching what I eat. I want to be 92lbs again... right now my weight fluctuates between 94lbs and 98lbs. As of now, I'm near the higher end, and thus I'm feeling extremely depressed... I will even be happy at 95lbs, but it has to stay there. I don't understand how I can exercise, take laxatives, and moniter my eating and still gain weight. I don't want to lose that control. I want to quit the laxatives but I know the side effects of this and I'm terrified of that intial bloating, constipation, and weight gain issue.
All I've ever wanted is to be 92-95lbs and stay there while eating right and exercising moderately, but I can't seem to do that. I can't stand weight flucuation, and no matter what I do, its extremely difficult to stay at the same weight... its extremely difficult for me to lose weight, yet I can gain 2lbs over night... its not fair. I'm tired of this constant struggle... all I want is to stay at 95lbs... I never wanted to hurt myself, and I'm afraid my boyfriend isn't going to put up with me if I continue my habits. I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm ready to resort back to eating nothing, exercising lots, and keeping up with the laxatives so I can lose that weight again.
Kim


I'm sorry to hear things are so rough right now. I know it's a struggle, but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I know what it's like to feel like you've run out of options-- you can't stay where you are, but changing is too scary.
I have a couple of things in mind. First, it sounds like you have some genuine health issues that need to be looked at. The lack of menstrual period is something I deal with too, and hormones are so important for overall health (not to mention bone health). So is GI function, and if you've been really constipated, something besides the eating disorder is probably going on. Obviously, you have some emotional and psychological (and spiritual, etc.) things to work on, but personally, I find it so much harder to do that when you haven't addressed all the physiological issues and possibilities. Do you have a good doctor? Could you get a referral to a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders? Or a counselor who works with EDs? I have a good doctor, dietitian, and counselor, but have received great help from a naturopathic nutritionist who lives in another state. We talk over the phone every week and he prescribes my supplements. I thought the whole naturopathic thing was questionable when I started, but it has helped. He (my nutritionist) is really the person who pays most attention to my body and believes strongly in the importance of bodily health for mental health. Anyway, it's important to find professionals you can trust and who can help you with all aspects of your eating problems.
Secondly, weight fluctuation is absolutely *human* and normal! It's just what your body was made to do. If you really feel like you're experiencing abnormal fluctuations (you feel "puffy" and retain water, etc.), you might have a legitimate complaint. But the numbers game is no good. I have serious doubts that reaching 92 would put you at ease if you don't address what's at the root of your problems (both health-wise and internally). Your weight looks relatively healthy in that range, except that you are trying to force it down. You'd be surprised how much your body dislikes being at a weight range that's even a few pounds too low. However, it's more important that you're in good health, and you have some good indicators that that isn't the case right now (the amenhorrea and constipation).
I hope your boyfriend hangs in there. It's not easy to watch someone you love hurt themselves, as I'm sure you can imagine. But you can help him understand that you're not just a nutcase... this does something for you and it's a really hard cycle to break. It would probably reassure him if you sought some sort of treatment.
Keep checking in here. We're happy to listen and feebly offer advice and support.
Hugs and prayers,
Starfish