back (yet) again (pos. trig)
Find a Conversation
back (yet) again (pos. trig)
| Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:31pm |
hey everyone!
Yes, I'm back again havent been here in a year or so, but it just went extreemely downhill yet another time. Seems like it is a never ending cycle. Why cant I get away from this disease?? I know that logically it will not make me any happier being skinny and denying my body food. Yet I cant seem to have a meal without feeling guilty, it doesnt matter if my meal is a carrot, I still feel scared and guilty. Stress is hitting me as well am having finals at uni atm, and I know it doesnt help only thinking bout food, when I should rather focus on my books.
I guess I mostly feel defeated atm, because I thought I had it beaten... like SO many other times, but I'm back again. It has been years now. literally. That scares me, will this sick way of thinking bout food and getting rid of it never cease?! Have lost hope and faith in myself, because I no longer control the ED, it controls me. Even talked to my friend bout it the other week (BA in Psych.) and not to totally despair... he was told at his uni that people who suffers from a mix between bulimia and anorexia are pretty much lost cases, statistically speaking. This just made me feel even worse. He triede convincing me that being thin wouldnt make me happy, and yes I know he's right in that but I cannot help but feeling, it would make a difference in my life.
Yes, I'm back again havent been here in a year or so, but it just went extreemely downhill yet another time. Seems like it is a never ending cycle. Why cant I get away from this disease?? I know that logically it will not make me any happier being skinny and denying my body food. Yet I cant seem to have a meal without feeling guilty, it doesnt matter if my meal is a carrot, I still feel scared and guilty. Stress is hitting me as well am having finals at uni atm, and I know it doesnt help only thinking bout food, when I should rather focus on my books.
I guess I mostly feel defeated atm, because I thought I had it beaten... like SO many other times, but I'm back again. It has been years now. literally. That scares me, will this sick way of thinking bout food and getting rid of it never cease?! Have lost hope and faith in myself, because I no longer control the ED, it controls me. Even talked to my friend bout it the other week (BA in Psych.) and not to totally despair... he was told at his uni that people who suffers from a mix between bulimia and anorexia are pretty much lost cases, statistically speaking. This just made me feel even worse. He triede convincing me that being thin wouldnt make me happy, and yes I know he's right in that but I cannot help but feeling, it would make a difference in my life.
Sorry for this insane streem of thoughts I just didnt know where else to go. Am so sad and angry at myself!
-Hugs Helle-

Hi Helle,
It's good to have you back although I wish it were for different reasons. I am sorry that things are hard for you but please don't give up. First off I want to say that I totally disagree with your friend. If people with a mix of bulimia and anorexia are lost cases, then I am an anomaly or a miracle and so are other people
Love & hugs, Kristina
Meg
hugs Helle