back (yet) again (pos. trig)

Avatar for denmarkchick
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
back (yet) again (pos. trig)
3
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 5:31pm
hey everyone!

Yes, I'm back again havent been here in a year or so, but it just went extreemely downhill yet another time. Seems like it is a never ending cycle. Why cant I get away from this disease?? I know that logically it will not make me any happier being skinny and denying my body food. Yet I cant seem to have a meal without feeling guilty, it doesnt matter if my meal is a carrot, I still feel scared and guilty. Stress is hitting me as well am having finals at uni atm, and I know it doesnt help only thinking bout food, when I should rather focus on my books.

I guess I mostly feel defeated atm, because I thought I had it beaten... like SO many other times, but I'm back again. It has been years now. literally. That scares me, will this sick way of thinking bout food and getting rid of it never cease?! Have lost hope and faith in myself, because I no longer control the ED, it controls me. Even talked to my friend bout it the other week (BA in Psych.) and not to totally despair... he was told at his uni that people who suffers from a mix between bulimia and anorexia are pretty much lost cases, statistically speaking. This just made me feel even worse. He triede convincing me that being thin wouldnt make me happy, and yes I know he's right in that but I cannot help but feeling, it would make a difference in my life.

Sorry for this insane streem of thoughts I just didnt know where else to go. Am so sad and angry at myself!

-Hugs Helle-

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 7:04am

Hi Helle,


It's good to have you back although I wish it were for different reasons. I am sorry that things are hard for you but please don't give up. First off I want to say that I totally disagree with your friend. If people with a mix of bulimia and anorexia are lost cases, then I am an anomaly or a miracle and so are other people

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 5:19pm
I know the feeling of never seeming to recover.. It's been six years now, several hospitalizations, and I just keep going on an on with my eating disorder. I'm fat now, but I still purge and it seems to never be getting better. I just recently get back online, my old computer was reeeeaaaally slow, so I couldnt get online for awhile. when I got back, most of the people I used to talk to, from other message boards and stuff, seemed to have already recovered.. I felt kind of left behind like everyone had recovered without me. I'm glad that they're all recovered, but I guess I kind of wonder if it will ever be my turn?

Meg

Avatar for denmarkchick
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 5:21am
I so know the feeling meg, hardly no one is here from when I used to post here. Im also not small... And recovery scares me... sometimes I feel like its really ungraspable... dont really know how to do it... And feel like im spiraling... it just gets worse and worse!

hugs Helle