Recovering, finally, thankfully
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| Mon, 06-28-2004 - 2:49pm |
saturday i weighed myself after 2 weeks of 500 cal/day restriction. i have managed to gain 8 pounds while starving myself and exercising to exhaustion.
i thought about that the whole time i exercised saturday morning. 50 minutes into my fourth hour, i realized i felt terrible, i was very hungry, i was about to collapse, i need help. i actually stopped and bought a protein bar.
weight loss stopped being effortless for me back in february. i've been fighting this since then, but saturday i finally had to admit that if i'm starving and exercising and still gain weight, what i am doing is wrong. everything seems upside down for me: even when i eat a full meal, i still think i'm hungry...i no longer understand how much food is enough, or too little...i don't know the difference between hungry and full because either way i still want food...i'm afraid of food until i start eating it, and then i make myself sick with it...i'm scared of gaining weight but my plans for losing weight are useless...i don't believe my body is the same as *me* because it won't get in line with what i want to look like physically.
finally saturday i really said to myself "this is ridiculous, i can't do this anymore because i want to die if this is how i will spend the rest of my life."
i'm going to recover, even if it means gaining more weight and not being my own victim anymore and having my mom tell me i'm too big. these things scare me, but they aren't as bad as going through all this misery just to *gain* 8 pounds. whatever i've done to myself with this, it's time to stop and get better. gaining weight is not the worst thing that can happen to me, thank goodness i am admitting that.
i've got an appointment with a therapist for wednesday (yes, the day i called, she had a cancellation...i am definitely supposed to recover now :) i've been doing this for 16 years, and i'm only 26. i want to be healthy, female, loving, alive, myself, really happy and content, all the things i can't be when ED is consuming me.

Hi hemmy,
I am SO excited for you. Sometimes we have to hit a really rough spot in our ED before we truly realize what we are doing to ourselves. Congratulations on making the appt. and I hope it will turn out great. Please keep us posted on how things go and check in on Wednesday after your appt.
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
meg
my appointment went well i think. the therapist i'm seeing has been working only with eating disorders and anxiety for her whole career and i really like her. after we meet a few times and she knows more, she's going to arrange a treatment plan for me, which i'll look at and then we will decide together whether it will work, and if not, how to make it work. i can't believe i'm really getting started with this. it just feels great. two binges yesterday but i still feel great, i'm not even worried or guilty about them.
the only thing that worries me is i have to be weighed at every appointment. i've always freaked out about getting weighed, even at the doctor. i have to be weighed backward and she won't tell me how much and won't even discuss it. i cried my eyes out when she told me this yesterday, but i'll deal with it. someday i won't give a crap what the scale says anyway :)
i also have to write "the history of me" with emphasis on my eating patterns and anxiety. and she gave me a food journal where i am writing down everything i eat and at what time and how i feel during and after eating and what i'm doing while i eat. this is so she can see whether i'm getting adequate nutrition and can figure out what's going on with my binges.
so, thank you very much for your encouragement. the difference after just going to one appointment is amazing...i'm sure it will wear off, but i feel a little powerful! another huge plus is i'm going to visit my family this weekend for the 4th. visits are usually really stressful for me because i'm struggling to stay within my ED without anyone noticing, and then i "fail" and feel terrible for basically just eating and having a good time. well this visit i don't have to go through all that, what a relief. i'll keep updating, but everyone have a great holiday!
I am so glad you shared about how great you feel and how great your appt. went. I canceled my first in fear. I rescheduled and go tuesday. I have read your post probably 5 times already tonight. You give me hope and inspiration that it will be okay and so will I eventually. I am sooooo happy for you! Keep up the great work and keep me posted on your progress. You are doing great!
Thanks again!!!