Old timer returning... (poss. triggers)
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| Wed, 06-30-2004 - 4:14am |
I used to post a lot on this board, several years ago. I'm not sure if anybody remembers me... Anyway, I'll tell you a little about myself to begin with.
My name is Mel, I'm 20 years old and I live in Sydney, Australia. I used to be a CL on the SI board, but resigned about a year ago now.
I have struggled with an eating disorder for 4-5 years now, though never formally diagnosed with anything. When I was in high school, I used to starve myself, and then when I did eat, I would purge. I ended up losing quite a lot of weight, and became physically sick as well.
Once leaving school, the eating disorder began to improve. I'm not sure how I did it... just happened, I guess. I gained back all the weight I had lost, but was still pretty obsessed with food. I have gone through phases of eating normally, and phases of starving and purging.
In June last year, I was admitted to hospital for four weeks due to depression and SI. I was put on to a medication called Zyprexa, and in six months, I gained 26 kilograms (I think that's about 55 pounds).
I joined Weight Watchers with my Mum at the beginning of this year, and it was a disaster. My eating disorder came back full force. I was purging several times a day, and even began binging a little.
In April I was admitted to hospital for a second time, so stopped going to Weight Watchers.
I REALLY want to lose all this weight I have gained from the Zyprexa, but if I go back to Weight Watchers, I know I'll begin the whole cycle all over again. I discussed this with my Psychiatrist and suggested to her that I go to an Eating Disorders Clinic. It was a very difficult thing for me to do, but I rang around and found a place that agreed to help me.
Last Wednesday was my first appointment, and I spoke with both the doctor and the social worker/psychotherapist. They were very nice and I felt comfortable with them.
I had another appointment today, and they gave me forms to fill in. I have to write down everything that I eat and when, and mark on a graph when I binge or purge. I am VERY anxious about doing this, and already, have purged my afternoon tea. I am SO worried that by going to this clinic, I will only get myself into trouble again. Maybe I shouldn't be going??? I can feel it already... by talking about my food issues, I'm going to be triggered into starving myself and purging a lot again, and I think there is still a tiny part of me that doesn't want to let that behaviour go.
I'm not really sure what the point of this post was. I guess I just needed to share my issues with people who understand. I'm sorry it's turned out so long!!
Lots of love,
Mel

Hi Mel,
I am glad you decided to come back and share what's going on. Sometimes it helps to just get stuff out and put it in writing.
It sounds like you have a tough decision to make. I cannot tell you whether to go to the ED clinic or not, that is something only you can decide. My only thought is that you could try some intense outpatient therapy first. Does you psychiatrist "just" prescribe medication or do you go for weekly sessions with him? If he only prescribes the meds, how about finding a good therapist who has experience helping people with eating disorders. Anti-depressants can be helpful to get people through a rough time, but I still think you need to address the emotional issues that led up to the ED and therefore the medication.
My concern is that the people at the clinic asked you to write down what you are eating and when. While I am sure that will be helpful to them, it is obviously already causing anxiety for you, and it can lead to more obessive habits. It took me a long time to stop counting calories and write down everything I eat and I am often tempted to start back up.
Give it some thought, look at the pros and cons of either decision, maybe even write them down. What ever you decide, you will eventually have to talk about your food issues to some degree. Ideally the focus should be on what led up to your food issues, but it's hard to avoid the subject alltogether.
Let us know what you decide and I hope and pray that what ever it is, it
Love & hugs, Kristina
Meg
Meg
Thanks so much for replying. Unfortunately this week has been a bad one in regard to food issues. But I have decided to stick with the clinic a little longer and see how I go. I've got to deal with these issues sooner or later, right?
Meg, here is the direct link to the iVillage SI board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhselfinjury
You can also find it by going to http://www.ivillagehealth.com/boards and scrolling down to the sub-heading "Psychology". It's just a little further down from the ED board. Let me know if you have any problems.
Love,
Mel
Bloody hell it's been along time since I heard of you!
I don't know if you remember me, but I was mookatie at the SI board for a little while, while you were CL there, you were posting loads of times, and giving loads of support to me, and others too.
I always admired how you stayed strong, when you yourself were reguarly cutting so bad, and feeling so bad, I am SOOOOOO glad to hear from you!!
And oh boy!! ZYPREXA, otherwise known as OLANZAPINE, I was put on that too! I was put on it, when I was IP for anorexia and bulimia, it was a real intensive 24 hour thing, was hard work, but the doctors and psych, and head nurse on my support team, were really concerned about me, and nearly sent me to the local psychiatric ward, cos I was very psychotic, but they tried me on olanzapine (zyprexa).
I asked them many times before I agreed to take it, I asked them to tell if weight change, was a side effect of the pills, as I was in a crucial point of hospitalisation, i didn't want to mess up everything with a side effect of a tablet, and total relapse again.
They promise me till they were blue in face, that this drug would not affect my wieght or appetite, just control the psychosis, I believed them.
I am now being warned about tube feeding, and severely anorexic and bulimic again, back near the wieght I was addmitted to the ED IP clinic, I gained HUGE amounts with that tablet, and I was so upset and distraught by it, but the nurses reasured me each time I panicked with the wieght/appetite change.
When I was finally discharged after 5 months and half, I searched the drug up online, and it said side effect, main one, most common effect of zyprexa/olanzapine, is WIEGHT GAIN, BIG WIEGHT CHANGES.
I wanted to scream so much, they had lied to me, betrayed me, yeh they made me gain alot of much needed wieght on it, but the fact is they LIED to me, and I have fully totally major league relapsed, and am low wieght once again.
I think if you could find a therpaist, doctor or so, that you can trust that will be honest and open and look into things with you as a team, you are at a right start.
I really hope you are doing well with the SI, I am :-) I have been cut free for, most of a month now, and they were not serious cuts at that.
I last serious SI,8 months ago, I was sectioned under the mental health act, cos I was danger to myself and very psychotic, they said, but I am out of the psych ward, out of a medical ward, and I am doing quite well in terms of staying well as I can, and out of hospitals, so yayyyyy :-) I am home and relatively stable, it's gooood!
I really hope you reply to me chick, I hope you remember me, I sure remember you!!
I just want to say there is hope, it's hard to stop what you know so well as a coping way of life and everything it throws at you, you are still here, you are still fighting.
Your wonderful Mel, post soon, I rarely post here, just lurk and read alot of posts, I support the people here in my thoughts mainly, but I had to reply to this one!
Hang in there chick, post soon, purrleeeeasee!!
Love ya,
mookatie
x
Of course I remember you!!! Great big (((((HUGS))))). I absolutely LOVE to hear from old board members to see how they're doing. Thank you so much for replying to my post. How about you send me an e-mail at mariahtastic@iprimus.com.au and we can get in touch again. I can fill you in on what's been happening in my life.
Take good care of yourself, and congrats on staying safe!!
Love always,
Mel