How do I deal with this? (Triggers)
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| Thu, 07-01-2004 - 11:15pm |
Today my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to come over today at lunch so her and I could talk. I got there and seen the driveway full of cars. I went in and she said I should sit with her and all her friends, and had my plate already loaded at a seat next to her. I don't eat meat, so she made me some pasta for my main dish along with salad, green beans, garlic toast, and fruit. I was furious that she tricked me into it. I sat down, not wanting to make a scene, but my eyes filled with tears. I picked and did my usual cutting into small pieces, shoving food into my napkin, ect. Anyways, I excused myself to the bathroom and my mom held on to my leg, leaned over to me and whispered that I was not getting up! I sat there, silent for the rest of the dinner. After my mom's friends left she told me I had to eat atleast half of what she had on the plate. I broke down and freaked out. I told her there was no way I could eat all that. (It made me sick counting up the fat and calories) She started crying and I didn't know what to do. I picked a little more for her and told her that I had to go, I was meeting up with some girls. She made me promise-I lied, I went straight home, purged and was unhappy with the amount, so I went to the pharmacy and bought some ipecec syrup. I drank it and laid on my bathroom floor, too weak to get up for about 2 hours. I finally talked myself into getting up at the thought of the calories and fat that may have stayed in my system too long. I got up, drank some diet pop for energy and sugar and worked out for 3 hours. I stopped because I broke down. I realized I have hit rock bottom. Why did I get myself in this position?! Lately I have been a rollercoaster of emotions...I am either mad at myself or other people for trying to help me, I am depressed and disappointed in myself for skipping my first appt., lying, and just feeling stupid about all this, I am happy and think there really is nothing wrong with me. I am in such a stage of confusion!
Sorry for the rambling, I just needed to get it all out.
XOXOX Sunshine XOXOX
