Confused... (Triggs - ED, SI, OD)
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| Wed, 07-07-2004 - 2:27am |
Hope you don't mind me posting again. I didn't know where else to go.
As I said in my previous post, I have recently started treatment at an outpatient eating disorders clinic. At the moment, I am seeing both the doctor and the psychotherapist. The doctor said it's standard for them to check out all new patients, to make sure there are no health problems related to the ED.
When I was with the doctor this morning, she wanted to take my blood pressure. I asked her if she could do it from my right arm (I have many, many scars on my left arm and HATE people seeing them). She said no, she wanted to see my right arm. So I warned her that I had a lot of scars. She asked me if she could have a look. I didn't really want to show her, but I knew I had to. She wasn't pushy or anything. She was quite gentle, in fact. So she had a good long look and that was that.
Then she went over the blood tests I had whilst in hospital earlier this year. She was curious to know why my liver enzymes were out of whack. I finally admitted to her that I had overdosed on Panadol (equivalent to your US Tylenol, I think) a few days prior to being admitted. She then wanted to know about other overdoses.
Before going in to speak with the psychotherapist, the doctor filled her in on what I told her. When it was time to see the psychotherapist she said that she was concerned about my behaviours. I admitted that I had SI'd for the first since April on Sunday night, and that I felt it was due to the stress of having to write down everything I eat for them. I felt I was being open and honest. Last week, the psychotherapist did request that I inform her of when I do SI, so she knows how much pressure to put on me.
Once she knew I had SI'd, she said that she felt that perhaps I wasn't ready for the eating disorders clinic. She said that I may need more time with my psychiatrist (I already see her once a week, and she only sees a few of her patients that often) and that she didn't want to be the "intruder", considering I have a 3 1/2 year history with my psychiatrist. I spent most of the hour trying to convince her that I WAS ready for the clinic, and that I understood that it wouldn't be easy... that I would feel a lot of anxiety etc. I guess I've just had a particularly bad week with the ED and SI because all of this is new to me. I don't know what to expect, and it will take a lot of time before I am able to feel completely comfortable with this psychotherapist. In the end, after I had shown her my homework, she said she was very impressed and that she DID think I was ready for the clinic. But if I want to hurt myself, don't, basically... because she thinks my hurting myself is a way of punishing her for pushing me out of my comfort zone. This last comment in particular, surprised me somewhat.
So I'm confused. Last week, she wanted me to inform her of when I SI'd. I did that today, and now she's telling me she doesn't want me to hurt myself at all. I honestly don't think that's something I can assure her of. Now I'm really scared that if I do SI and tell her about it, she'll go and abandon me. If I didn't like the woman, I don't think I'd go back after today. But she is really nice, and funny. And seeing her feels right. But anyway...
I am SO sorry this has ended up so long. I'm not even sure if this really belongs on this board. My apologies if it's not appropriate.
If you've made it this far, thank you!!
Hugs,
Mel

Hi Mel,
Please don't apologize for posting here, that's what the board is here for.
Can you tell your psychotherapist exactly what you told us at the end of your post? It would be good if you could honestly tell her how her comments made you feel. And the fact that you have fear of abandonment would be good for her to know in general.
Either way, please let us know how things go in the future. We are always here for you.
Love & hugs, Kristina
I was delayed going inpatient at the ED clinic, cos I was SI'ing alot with huge overdoses of para's (paracietamol in UK) and have screwed my liver up somewhat now.
They questioned me about my history, they looked at my arms and other hot spots of mine, they often said I was not ready, but I was ready to get better, I was literally begging them, just like you have been, I was writing down so many food things, food diary all the time, just to prove I needed it and was ready, man it was hard, but I got in there!!
I believe if you keep plugging at it, and talking, and being honest, and if you get the urge to cut or overdose, have a nap, or smoke a ciggie, go for a walk away from places you know you have things stored "just in case" moments, well thats what helps me anyway, god I must sound so dumb.
The doctors have said so many times past 3 years, that I would not live to be 20 if I carried on hurting myself like this, but I am 20 in one month, and I shall prove them wrong, I shall have presents and cards, and family and balloons for my birthday- NOT IV parvolex (maybe you know that too?), and beeping machines, and a wooden coffin!
I will live Mel, you've been to hell and back, but you can get out of there once again, keep fighting girl, you make me proud to hear your still reaching out and actively trying to get better, way to go!!
mookatie
x
Meg
Meg