New here, sorry its long...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
New here, sorry its long...
1
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 11:24am
Hi all,

I'm new to this board so I'll just give a lil background on myself. My name is Darian, I'm 23, mom to a 3 yr. old girl and battling anorexia for 10 years now. My worst point was when my daughter was almost a year old, I was in a horrible relationship and kept losing weight to try and please her father (I was down to 93lbs, I'm 5'9"), he always told me I was too big, "you'd look so much better if you were smaller". Well, I shortly there after left him and got my life back together. I'm now in a wonderful relationship, engaged and overall happy I guess. But the thing is, I've been having trouble lately, feeling fat, resorting back to old thoughts. I always have problems, everyday, wishing I was smaller but simply trying to accept myself the way I am...I fight it so hard, I don't want my daughter to see this behavior, to learn this from me, I don't want her to take on this fight that I would have given to her. I don't know what brought it on, but lately I've found myself skipping meals, limiting myself to one a day taking great care in deciding what would be the best (least fattening) meal to have...sometimes skipping eating all together, feeling guilty for being hungry. Thinking that as hungry as I am all the time, if I gave into this appetite I would grow huge...but I know that it's not true, I know that I'm hungry because I haven't been eating enough and my body just needs the energy...it's this war going on inside again and I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to be starving myself again, or "limiting" my eating...but I've done it so many times lately without even noticing it. I went into counseling once when I was a teenager, but she only made it worse (she wasn't a specialist in this area, I now know that was a mistake) and the only way I ever got better was finding strength within myself, burrying myself in self-help books, I somehow picked myself up. Of course I always fell back down, but then I had my DD and have done well (for me) because I try for her...but now I just don't have the energy to pick myself up, I don't have insurance so I can't seek counseling, I've read all the books I can...I'm just tired and can't do it on my own and don't know what to do. My fiance' said he wanted to help me (he knows my history and is supportive), which made me so happy, he asked that I get him a book to understand where I'm coming from so he knows where to start. Well, I bought him one a month ago, read it myself and even made a sheet of the pages and key points he really needed to pay attention to...and he's never touched it, didn't even pick it up. So now I feel alone in this again...I just don't know what to do, I'm tired of fighting, tired from life and tired of fighting this alone...I don't know what I expect from this, I guess I just needed to get this out there and hope...I hope...

Darian

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:57pm
Hi darianmay, nice to meet you and glad you're here.

I'm 26 and I've been recovering from 16 years of starving myself for just over a month now. I believe that if you give in to your appetite and eat when you are hungry, the major thing that's going to happen is you'll be happy. Gaining weight might go with it, because you might be underweight from not eating enough. It is scary and hard and all that guilt about being hungry and feeding yourself doesn't go away, but so far it is worth every difficult minute. All this sadness you feel, the confusion about what to do, the worrying about your daughter, it will lighten if you can manage to eat. I was amazed after the first couple of weeks at how much more positive and stronger and better I felt, just from trying (and succeeding) at eating more.

When I read your post, I remembered how I felt...like I was in a hole and the only thing I had to look forward to was more hunger and never getting enough food and never enjoying much of anything because I was so exhausted and sometimes in physical pain from eating so poorly. I tried so many times to start helping myself with books and websites. I think the books *can* help you, but honestly, I think the key to getting something out of them that can help you start recovering is first start eating more. Your brain can't do much when it's constantly focused on hunger. What's happened to me is that even when I have a bad day and the eating disorder thoughts are telling me all the made-up, nonsense reasons I shouldn't eat, my body and brain have become used to eating and I want to do it anyway.

Once you aren't so hungry, you have room to think about things other than food. You can read books with ideas that can help you recover and think about what they say and how you might use the ideas yourself.

Also you might consider a group support meeting, like eating disorders anonymous or a similar group. There might be free or reduced-rate counseling available in your area. This website lists recovery resources: http://www.something-fishy.org/ This site has a treatment finder, information about options for affording treatment, affirmations you can read to help with getting better, and loads of other stuff.

About your daughter...I think it is wonderful that you realize your behavior toward food could affect her and you are so determined to avoid that. Maybe you can use that powerful feeling to support your recovery. One of my reasons for recovery is I cannot raise children with healthy attitudes about food and their bodies if I do not have healthy attitudes myself. You proved that you're a strong person by leaving the relationship you had when she was a year old. You can get better!

Don't worry so much about your fiance's reaction to the book you got him. My husband is supportive and knows about my problem, but isn't at the point where he wants to read stuff about it :) It doesn't mean your fiance doesn't love you. Does he say kind things to you when you're having difficulty eating all your meals? Does he adore you at any size? What about hugs and kisses and being willing to talk to you when you feel all conflicted with your eating problems? That's how my husband is supportive to me. He's never read anything about eating disorders, but he does listen to me and he loves me. I bet your fiance is the same :)

Ok one last thing...eating when you're hungry does not mean you're going to grow huge. When you eat properly, you can only be the size you're supposed to be. I know that fear very well and it certainly doesn't disappear but it has less power after a few weeks of eating. As my therapist says, it took a long time to fill up the Eating Disorder Jellybean Jar, and now it's time to start filling up the Healthy Food and Body Image Jellybean Jar.

Please let us know how you're doing. We want to hear from you.