I'm new here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
I'm new here!
6
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 12:34am
Hi everyone, I just wanted to take a moment to introduce myeslf to the board. My name is Stephanie, I'm 22 (soon to be 23), and I've been battling with my ED mostly since last year. In highschool I'm sure I had a mild case of Anorexia, but I still ate and I wasn't under weight. Last year I developed bulemia after my fiancé ended our six year relationship to date another girl. It took a looooong time for the reality of the break up to sink in. Once it did, my whole world changed. I was stressed, depressed and completely ready to give up. I began eating -- a lot, especially when I wasn't hungry. I've always had a fixation on food, and I was very picky about what I put in my body (as far as cals and fat go), but that all went out the window and was replaced by an 15 pounds, which is how much I gained post-break up. I started using food for comfort, but I would feel guilty for eating so much. Then I remembered my friend telling me about her bout with bulemia. Even though I knew it was wrong, I still did it anyway. It felt good! I was in control again, and no matter how much I ate, it didn't matter. At least, that's what I thought anyway. But I was wrong. I can't stop now. And sometimes I don't want to stop. It's like my way of undoing my wrong, my way of fixing a mistake(I'm sure that some of you have been there before). And even though my throat is soar sometimes, it doesn't matter.

For the past three months, since I moved back to my parents house, I have been trying to monitor my eating habits and exercise more (I had stopped for awhile) in hopes of losing weight. I know that if I lose weight I'll be happier, but I just can't do it. I haven't lost an ounce and I've become addicted to weighing myself. Sometimes I get so upset that I physically hurt myself. I say mean things to myself too, things I don't think I really believe. My parents don't know that I have an ED. Sometimes I want to tell them, but something always holds me back. I would like to seek professional help but I can't afford it right now. Somedays I feel like I'm making progress, other days I'm not so sure. Today, for example, I was sick three times. I don't like feeling full; it scares me. Feeling hungry also scares me, but not as much as it used to. I dont' know what to do! I'm confused and I really wish I could just stop this whole thing and have a normal healthy relationship with food. I just don't know where to start.

Anyway, that's pretty much my story. Sorry it's long but I really needed to get it out. I probably could type for days and still not be done! I know that a lot of you can probably relate to what I'm saying, and that makes me feel a bit better. Knowing that I'm not alone gives me hope to get through this. I am looking forward to meeting all of you, and I wil offer any support that I can. I wish you all the best.

Thanks for listening!

Stephanie

"This is your life, are you who you want to be?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 6:45am

Hi Stephanie,


Despite the struggle you are going through it sounds like you have a pretty good idea why you have issues with food. Control seems to be an important thing for you. Seeking professional help is the best thing you can do in my opinion and I encourage you to talk to your parents about all this. I know that's hard, but keep working up the courage until you can. You also shouldn't be going through this by yourself and getting their support, and I assume financial support for professional help, would be so beneficial.


When you notice the negative thinking about yourself, try to turn it around into something positive, whether you believe it or not. It's the negative thoughts that tend to lead to our feelings and eventually to our actions. It's important to focus on thinking positive.

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:14pm
Kristina,

Thank you so much for your reply. Everything you said makes so much sense. I have a lot of issues that I need to work out, and I would really like to start seeing a professional. I almost told my mom today, but I couldn't. I guess it's because my parents have always had high expectations of me. I'm the oldest of two and my brother doesn't do anything, so it's up to me to get things done. I know that they would be understanding if I told them and would want to help me get better, but I guess I just feel like I'd be disappointing them.

I promise I will try to work up the courage to talk to them, maybe even by the end of the week. I'm so tired of this. My life is such a mess right now and I feel so lost. If I could just sort some things out I know I'd feel a lot better!

Thanks again for everything. You're support means so much :)

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 9:16am
Stephanie,

I'm new here too and although you battle with bulimia and I battle with anorexia we share the same feelings. I'm 21 and I feel just like you do with weighing myself and obsessing over everything I eat or think about eating. I obsess about the gym and all that too and I am also very tired of feeling like this. I would love to eat and not freak out. Anyway I just wanted you to know that you are not alone I hurt like you do too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 12:36pm
Stephanie,



I'm new to posting to this board, i'm normally elsewhere in ivillage, but you're story caught my attention. I suffered from anorexia in high school and bulimia in college. But you words ring so true to the same feelings i experienced. Know that for one, you are not alone, many woamn suffer from these diseases, and two, sometime telling someone (ie, your parents) is the best relief of all, a relief from the hiding of it all.

I had counseling while in high school and also check ed myself into an ED clinic when I was 21. It helps tremendously to admit you need help and to ask for you. It will surprise you the outpour of support that you will receive.

My ED was also about control. Whne my life felt out of control in anyway, it always got worse. It got to the point I would get sick up to 20 times a day, but always it was about control.

And don't think you'll disappoint your parents. That is also part of the disorder. I always was a high achiever and afraid to tell them, but when i did, despite what i thought, they were not disappointed, they were relieved i asked for help before it got too late, and like i said before your parents will become pillars of strength for you to lean on! I just wanted to add my encouragement.

This is a beatable disease. I haven't gotten "sick" in 3 1/2 years! And I am extremely proud of that. You will be too someday, i promise!!

Hugs and good luck,

Cz

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 3:54pm
Wow, Cz, thank you for posting that. I've just started recovering (with real therapy, for real this time and I mean it :) about a month ago...I love hearing about how long people have been recovered from their EDs. Good for you, and thanks for reminding me how great it's going to feel when I hit 3.5 years without my ED.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 10:19am
Girls,

I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. Knowing that there are so many others who feel the same way I do makes me feel so much better. And knowing that some of you have recovered and are leading normal healthy lives inspires me to do something about this. I know in my heart that I really want to change so it's up to me to do it. I think that tonight will be a good night to discuss this with my mom, so I will be sure to do that and then let you girls know how it went.

It's interesting how some days I feel totally fine and don't feel the need to binge and purge, while other days it's all I think about. My life right now is under some financial stress and I think that's why it has been worse over the past week. I've been trying really hard to stay occupied so that I don't think about food. It's starting to work again. Hopefully once I'm getting professional help I won't relapse anymore. That would be heaven!!

One thing I just thought of that really made me angry... back in November, when I had begun talking to my ex again (bad idea! it only made everything worse) I had told him about how I was depressed and that i developed an eating disorder. all he said was "sorry about that bulimia thing." I couldn't believe how insupportive he was! We were together for six years! We were best friends! And i figured that even though we weren't dating anymore he still cared for my health and well being! But I guess he didnt' really understand the whole thing since he had no idea where I was coming from. it still made me mad though.

Anyway, I needed to get that out! Feels good to things off my chest :) I want to thank you girls again for everything. You've been wonderful listeners and I totally appreciate it! and if ever you need someone to talk to, I'll be there :)

*hugs*

Steph