Very new to this whole subject

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Very new to this whole subject
3
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 9:37am
I am 21 years old and going through some hard times. I think for the past two years I've dealt with an ED but I have lived in denial. I've lost 20 lbs. this past year and I feel like a cow. I'm 5'4 and 108 lbs. Initially I lost weight by eating as little as possible and exercising obsessively. My lunch would consist of a piece of bread with a little peanut butter and chips and salsa for dinner. Unfortunatley the willpower I had back then has gone out the window because I've been eating meals and gained a few pounds back and now I am having a harder time than ever. I am not able to look at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds at a time, if that. Everytime I eat a meal or something more than a piece of bread I feel horrible and very guilty for the rest of the day. I constantly tighten my muscles in my stomach and lower body so that I don't start getting fat. My family always tells me I look sick and need to gain weight but they have no idea how bad it would hurt me to gain weight. I really have never told anyone how obsessed I am with this problem before and it hurts admitting that this is a problem. I can't help how fat I feel and how sick I get when I look at myself. I only want to be smaller and I would love to be happy with myself just for one day. I just wanted to share.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:55pm

Hi,


I am glad that you found us and that you shared what's going on. EDs are hard to deal with and you shouldn't have to do it on your own. You will get great support here, but it would be good if you have somebody close to you that you can confide in like your parents or a close friend.


I also think it would be good if you could see a therapist. Admitting you have a problem is the first, and sometimes the hardest step of all. Like you said, you lost your willpower - that's because EDs are not really about willpower or control. It's about emotional issues that we don't want to deal with. The sooner you figure out what those are and feel your feelings, the sooner you will recover from your ED. I know, that's easier said than done, but it's possible.


Have you thought about counseling at all? Or how about group meetings like www.overeatersanonymous.org or www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org? Is there anybody you can confide in besides us here?

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 9:06am
Thanks for the advice. Today is an especially hard day because my pants feel a little bit tighter and I keep obsessing about that. I'm back on my restrictive diet again because I can't take feeling so fat anymore. It is odd that I feel this way because I have such positive reinforcement from my family and my boyfriend, they tell me all the time that I'm too small and I'm pretty and all that but you know as well as I do that hearing that and actually feeling that are two different things. I hate to say it but it doesn't really mean anything to me because I know how I feel and see myself. I don't want anyone to know what is wrong with me because it is embarassing plus I'm not ready to stop. I was so proud of myself yesterday though because I ate very little. I am looking into therapy anyway because of some self esteem issues so hopefully that will help. It is nice to hear that other women are going through the same things I am. I do feel better not feeling so alone anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 12:41pm
Hugs!!

I feel you pain and it sounds so familiar! Counseling will be a great deal of help. when I was in your situation, counseling was the only thing that saved my life and made me feel positive about myself and the way i look again. I can't stress the benefits of counseling enough! ED are simply too hard to handle on your own and outside help is needed to help you figure out why your mind is working the way it is and to figure out ways to change it!!

Also, i say confide in someone close to you, who can be your rock, you boyfriend, sis, bro, anyone who can be there for you and also can help you along the right path to getting help!!

Good luck!!

Cz