Hi again...panicking a little (trigs)
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| Sat, 07-24-2004 - 12:38am |
I moved to this new city a month ago, and I've had strange eating habits...I eat mostly protein bars, shakes, other processed food (I have some digestive problems that make it difficult for me to eat vegetables, etc.), and I've given into the temptation to eat sugary foods much too often, I think (I'm often depressed and sometimes only sugar seems to give me a temporary little "high.")
And I haven't been exercising enough...I'm very sleepy during the week and take naps after work instead, but then I try to make up for it and over-do exercise on the weekends. I started noticing that I seem larger and my clothes seem tighter...but I don't have a full-length mirror, and my scale showed that I hadn't gained that much weight, so I tried to ignore it.
But today I went to the doctor for my stomach problems, and they weighed me on this high-tech digital scale...and I was shocked to find out I'd gained at least 5 pounds since moving here. Then this evening, I went to visit a friend at his new apartment, and I tried out his scale (also digital and high-tech), and it confirmed that I'm a good bit heavier than I thought.
Intellectually, I know 5 pounds isn't much and that there are much more important issues in the world, but emotionally I feel horrible, disgusted with myself. I had a related discussion with my boss (well, he's about my age, so it's a pretty informal situation) at work about women's ideas about their weight (I didn't admit how upset I was, though)... and he tried to convince me that it is ridiculous for me to think I'm fat when I'm still not quite within the "normal" weight range. He even mentioned that I'm among the thinnest people at the office...but that just made me even more self-conscious and jealous of the women there who I think are smaller than me.
So after my morning doctor's appointment, I vowed that I would stay away from food for a while. But I get low blood sugar and am very "wimpy" when it comes to that kind of self-control...so I ended up eating a little not-so-healthy food later in the day when I became shaky and desperate for any food. Now I'm considering just going on a strict weight-loss regimen, but with enough food to keep me functional.
I feel like even more of a failure for not being able to abstain from food or get a lot more exercise (I have fibromyalgia, so when I do over-exercise, I "crash" and can barely get up for a few days). Sorry about posting here when I may not even have an eating disorder...guess I just needed to vent a little.
And of course I could use any advice...one thing that bothers me is the fact that my mom is coming up to visit me in a few weeks. I don't want to be really large and embarrassed even to have her see me...but whenever I lose or even maintain my weight, she accuses me of being too thin. If I were to lose the amount of weight I want to, she would get incredibly upset...she's cried and begged me and given me guilt trips before when she thought I was too thin.
But I feel very uncomfortable in my skin now, at this weight...I'm very self-conscious and feel like other people are looking at me and thinking how large I am (to clarify, I am just below the bottom of the "ideal" weight range for my height...but somehow I don't see that range as being right for me). I guess you all can probably relate to that...it's not a good feeling.
Thanks again for reading, and I hope this wasn't triggering for anyone,
Rose
Edited 7/24/2004 12:45 am ET ET by rosa444
Edited 7/24/2004 12:46 am ET ET by rosa444

Hi Rose,
Of course it is ok that you come and go. The board is here to help you and it is up to you to make the most of it. I have a question for you though. Does it really matter whether you have an eating disorder as it is described in clinical textbooks? Does it really matter that a therapist said you don't really qualify as having an disorder? That seems to be a big deal for you. I would think that what really matters is that you are struggling with food and an unrealistic perception of your weight/ body and it is making life miserable for you. So why not forget about what you
Love & hugs, Kristina
Fortunately my fibromyalgia has been under really good control with the medications I take (including 5-HTP, which has been a huge help)...but very recently, it has begun to flare up a little. I know that my diet can't be doing me any good in that regard...and you are the second person in a few days to tell me about the benefits of giving up sugar.
So I think that is something I really should try. I shouldn't even be eating so much sugar anyway because I have reactive hypoglycemia, so sweets give me a big rush and then a crash. But it's become kind of a minor addiction, what I've turned to when I'm stressed or down...I hardly ever eat anything that's not processed anymore.
Oops, I guess I should be emailing you this instead of posting it...sorry. But I could really use your ideas on how you went about changing to a lower-sugar diet. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, but I do wonder if it's even possible for me because of several reasons...I'm a vegetarian and couldn't bring myself to eat meat...plus I have stomach issues that cause me to have pain and other problems when I eat vegetables or beans or anything like that...plus I live in a dorm room and don't have access to a decent kitchen (there is a small kitchen on another floor, but apparently the appliances don't work well)...so I haven't cooked anything at all in the last month or so (although I hardly ever cooked before that anyway).
OK, I guess those probably do sound like excuses...sorry. I do want to try to change my eating habits. I know that once med school starts, it will be even more tempting for me to resort to "comfort" foods full of sugar...so I want to start soon.
This all seems so complicated...I often wish that I could just get an IV or a pill with all the nutrients I need instead of having to spend so much time and effort obsessing over food...OK, well, I guess the obsessing isn't necessary! I guess that's why I turn to pre-packaged foods like protein bars and Slim-Fast shakes, hoping that they will give me the same nutrition as cooked foods or vegetables.
OK, sorry, I will really stop typing now...thanks again for all your help,
Rose