Sick & tired of being sick & tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sick & tired of being sick & tired
6
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:34pm
You know when someone has a terminal (or a good chance of it being terminal) illness (like cancer for example) and they keep getting sicker and sicker, and they are fighting it tooth and nail… and they become mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted? And then finally, they decide they don’t want to fight any more, and the words “I’m sick and tired of always being sick and tired” come out of their mouths? I am scared that I have reached that point.

I battled anorexia for 4 years when I was a teenager. I got better for 5.5 years, but always had some “hang-ups” on things… like “Oh, my stomach isn’t flat enough” or “Oh, geez, I have saddlebags”… I ate pretty healthy, but always wanted to lose 10-15 lbs. Was never fully satisfied with myself, but I was “better”. Well, for the past 20 months I have been battling bulimia. At first, I wasn’t that bad, then it got progressively worse, until I was throwing up about 10 times a day… I hit bottom, went into therapy, where it started to get better… then my grandma died, and I got worse and worse and WORSE… I am vomiting daily once again, sometimes 3, 4 or 5 times a day. I am having a really hard time pulling myself back out. I am finding myself making special trips to the store, buying lots of “binge friendly” foods and going home, locking myself in my room and going to town. Always ending the same… with me feeling weak and going to bed early. I always say, “this is the last one. No more after this.” But it hasn’t happened yet.

I woke up this morning (after last night’s binge that I promised myself wasn’t going to happen) and thought to myself, “I am ready to give up. I am just ready to throw in the towel and say ‘F – IT’ “. I look awful, I am skin and bones, I am tired, I have blow off friends to have binges… I am a mess… and I can’t pull myself out of it. I go to bed at night praying that I don’t wake up in the morning b/c I don’t want to have to endure another day of this stupidity. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I hurting myself this way, and why can’t I control it? Better yet… why me? Didn’t I pay my dues the first time I around when I was completely depressed and miserable with anorexia? Why did I have to return to this horrible, awful, crap-filled place?

Sorry for the vent… but I am just feeling like giving up…

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:56pm

Hey Girl,


I know you are hurting and I can relate all to well to what you are going through. Although it’s been several years now since I have felt that way, reading your post makes it seem like it was just yesterday. The thing is, it DOES get better. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. It sounds like the first time around there were still some issues that you didn’t resolve, therefore the relapse, especially with something as difficult to deal with as loosing your grandmother. And I AM sorry for your loss.


Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 2:26pm
Well honestly and truthfully, I don't really believe in God anymore. I stopped believeing after I suffered and battled through anorexia. You know when you have a traumatic event happpen in your life you either become stronger or weaker in your faith (I was born, raised and sent to 12 years of Catholic school BTW)... well after recovering from anorexia years ago... i realized, there was no spiritual help, there was no guidance, no feeling of someone or something watching over me, helping me through my difficulties. I truly and honestly felt like i did 90% of it on my own, with about 10% help from friends nad family. Nothing made me feel closer to god or like he was present with me... so i stopped believing. I said i pray, but i say that loosely. I mean, my form of prayer is more of all spirits sort of thing. I do believe in things having souls and spirits, and that they may watch over us is a sort of non-interacting form... i guess it is more my version of the "imaginary friend"... someone to talk to when i am alone.

I am still seeing my therapist... have been since early March. Never stopped... I need so much more work... the urges to binge are just unreal lately and i can't explain why.

My grandma's death wasn't so much the trigger as was the insuing family insanity that followed... but that is for another time and place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 5:57pm
I'm sorry allio...I know what you're going through.

It may not seem like you're getting better, but since you want to get better, you're a step ahead of the game. Recovery always starts with that, first.

Eating disorders are like cancer...but, Bulimia or Anorexia stays with you for your whole life. It's a lifelong battle, I've cone to believe, because I am still struggling myself.

The best advice I can offer you is to please go get help...beyond a therapist, maybe check yourself into a recovery center, or a hospital. You need help.

I would try and give you more information, but I'm only seventeen, and have only been battling an eating disorder since I was thirteen, otherwise I would know exactly where to go to get help.

My best wishes with you, always.

Good luck and get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 5:31pm
Allio,

When I read your post, it was like I had written it....I went from anorexia to bulimia and have been bulicmic for almost 10 months now...doing exactly what you are doing...i will even leave work early to go home and binge and i promise my self after each time that that is the last, but then i find myself in the kitchen going through the cabinets to see what i can find....when i was anorexic, i had all of this self control to not eat, now, I have none and cannot stop eating! I wish I had an answer for you, but I can't find the answer for myself.

I know I am doing damage to my body. I am 105-108 at 5'4" which is only about 10lbs underweight, but more than anything I am worried about my teeth...have you started having problems with yours? If so, what? They don't look bad, but right now I am just having toothaches...I know eventually the problems will get worse and I keep telling myself I have to stop, but I can't...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 7:06pm
Hi,

Here is an article on Bulimia and dental issues, hope it helps. You may want to consider counseling it really does help.

http://www.parentsplace.com/expert/dentist/qas/0,,239996_106826,00.html

Hugs, Michelle

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:38pm
I'm sorry that you have been feeling so awful. I wish that I could just give you a big hug!