I feel like such a failure...
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| Fri, 08-06-2004 - 9:39pm |
First of all, I am dieting heavily, because I am supposed to be in my brother's wedding at the end of the month, and I need to fit into my old size for the bridesmaid's dress (size 6). I am counting calories and working out 5 times a week vigourously. What happens is I am hungry and craving food that sounds good but is fattening. Especially peanut butter. So I let myself have some, and then it tastes so good I have more. And then I've had enough where I feel guilty and feel like I've messed up my diet. So I make the decision that I will throw it up, and then I figure, well, if I'm going to get rid of it, I might as well eat as much as I can of stuff I can't eat. Then I go nuts. Then I purge.
I am such a loser. I am a friek. As I walked my baby daughter's room (she is 6 months) on my way to the bathroom to purge while my 3.5 yr. old is watching her night time video and my husband is out picking up our dinner, I think to myself, I am such a friek. What would my kids think if they knew what a loser their mommy was?
I don't know what has sent me backsliding. I am in the process of trying to find a new therapist. I have never written down before exactly what I've done during a binge/purge session before.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom?
Sherri

Sherri,
You are not a freak and you are not a looser. The first thing you need to stop doing is refer to yourself by those or other negative descriptors. We all backslide at times. The key is to move past it, recognize what happened, and then try to change it (that doesn't mean you will succeed every time). You already identified why you did what you did, so the right thing to do would be to nourish yourself throughout the day so you are not hungry at night. If at all possible, don't have foods in the house that will trigger you if you have a bite of it. I do realize that's a little more challenging when you are married and/or have children. However, when I was still struggling with this more, I asked my husband not to have certain things in the house.
You also need to look at how long you have been in recovery, and how long it took you to get to where you are in your ED. If you've struggled with your ed for 10 years and have been in recovery for 1 year, chances are good you will have relapses. But again, that doesn't make you a failure. However, evaluating if your therapist is working out for you is a great idea. Sometimes we outgrow our therapists and need to move on to a different one.
But most of all, try to live in the present. It serves no purpose what so ever to beat yourself up over last night. I came home at 11 PM last night (had to work late) and because I am PMSing and craving things, I ate things I normally don't eat. I also think I probably didn't eat enough during the day (setting myself up). This morning my
Love & hugs, Kristina
In fact, I have been thrown back so much that I even decided that I was going to start on Prozac. Started about a week ago. I am hoping that it is going to give me the boost I need to beat this monster... I don't know why, but I just can't shake it... i get just like you, I eat, then i go "well it's too late now..." and i binge, and then i can't stand myself, so i purge it all out... it is really getting to me that i can't stop it. I hate it, yet I love it... so stupid that i am doing this to myself too...