What is happening to me? maybe triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
What is happening to me? maybe triggers
5
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 7:57pm
i think i'm slipping. i'm almost 2 months into therapy and a serious desire to recover. i've gained enough weight to start menstruating again. for the first 6 weeks or so, i did really well and i was excited. i made almost all of my goals for each week and i felt good about what i was doing even if the old voices inside were talking crap about my body. seriously, it was almost like i could do things like eat three times a day and not purge or fast just because my therapist said it was a goal. it was so easy, no problem, just eat and feel good, and keep trying to talk back to those ugly voices.

for the past week or so, things seem to be crumbling for me. physically i feel so much better but the voices are so strong. my body looks out of control to me...one second i look in the mirror and think things aren't so bad, but the next time i look i see myself expanding and i feel desperate. i'm having a tremendous amount of guilt about eating. inside i'm constantly discouraging myself with negative thoughts about the way my bigger body feels and looks. the only way i'm managing to hang on to my attempt at recovering is thinking back to the day i decided to get help...trying to remember every bit of that misery, how tired and sick i felt, and how angry that it wasn't working anymore, and how hopeless everything seemed.

now i feel all that about recovery. i feel like my job is intolerable, my body and my looks are unacceptable, eating when i'm hungry is embarrassing, wanting cookies is ok but actually eating them is a horrible crime, etc. i know my eating disorder covered up a lot of feelings and made certain things easier...like i've always hated my job, but when i was full-on in my ED, i just had to focus on getting smaller and i could coast along at work without caring. now, i'm losing my coping mechanism (my ED) but i'm feeling overwhelmed with everything else and that good old friend is still there to help me put everything back together, if only i'll go back to life before.

my therapist is out of town until next wednesday. i'm focused on making it until then so i can talk to her. i have to find something to help me before i give up, because i do not want to give up and the eating disorder isn't going to fix a thing. if i go back to it, i'll be in this same situation soon enough, frustrated and unhappy and starting over again, because one thing i am convinced of is that i cannot live with an eating disorder forever.

does anyone have ideas about what i can do to get through the next week without giving up? i'm talking to my husband every night about these feelings and getting plenty of love and support there. i'm reading my index cards of reasons to recover and have actually managed to add a couple things. i learned a little bit about how to challenge the ED thoughts, but i'm not very good at it yet and it's kind of a trigger because for every challenge, i have 10 automatic ED responses that just come flying out. i'm just trying to hang on right now. any ideas are welcomed and appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:29pm
Oh Hemmy,

I think you should call your therapists line and see if you can get in to see someone else before she gets back.


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you wrote:

"i have to find something to help me before i give up, because i do not want to give up and the eating disorder isn't going to fix a thing. if i go back to it, i'll be in this same situation soon enough, frustrated and unhappy and starting over again, because one thing i am convinced of is that i cannot live with an eating disorder forever."

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You wrote that you don't want to give up!!!! and you know you shouldn't go back..... that is SOOOO important! I know it is hard right now..... Please try to get in to see someone.

Huge hugs, Michelle

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:39pm

Hi Hemmy,


I know what you are going through is really, really hard - I've been there. Having ups and downs in therapy and recovery is actually normal, not that that makes it any easier. You also have great awareness about feeling coming up etc. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do. In addition maybe you could journal about the feelings that are coming up. Pick a few positive thoughts and repeat them over and over and over when the negative ones are hitting you. This will be hard at first, too, but after a while it will get easier and easier. Keep talking to your husband, send emails, post here and call people. If things are hardest for you at home, go for a walk, go to the mall or to a movie. Read books or do anything that keeps you occupied, but most importantly pay attention to your thoughts. It's our thoughts that lead to feelings and eventually actions.


Is there any chance that this is hormonal? What you are describing sounds like what I typically go through for a day or two during PMS. If so, and even if it's not, you may want to try taking 5-HTP. It's a natural supplement and a pre-cursor to serotonin. It may help with those crazy thoughts, fears, anxieties, etc. I would start with no more than

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:33pm
I'm so happy that you are recovering, and I really think that you are going to be just fine. I'm glad that your husband is so supportive, and it's awesome that your own will to recover is so great. I really wish that I had some good advice to offer you, but I'm currently digging myself deeper and deeper into depression and my own eating problems, so I'm afraid that I don't have any amazing or enlightening advice. I just wanted to offer my support and understanding, and to wish you all the best. You sound like an incredible person, and I know that you can do it!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:28pm
whew thanks to all three of you for the support and ideas. unfortunately things got worse this morning with a b/p, ugh. but i feel like at least it's over. time to start pasting myself together again and try to hang on until wednesday. i just can't give up no matter what my body looks like or what i've done. i have to get better because i've got stuff to do and i'm too happy when things are going well.

Kristina, i didn't consider pms until you mentioned it. my menstruation is so messed up right now because it's just started again, but i guess it's possible that all of that is out of whack. thank you for bringing it up...i haven't had it in so long, it was the last thing i'd consider! :)

ok, thanks again. i feel like the b/p this morning was bottom and now i'm getting back up. my husband is also taking me to new orleans this weekend to see a techno art installation, and looking forward to that makes me feel much better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:36pm
You're welcome. I hope that you have fun in New Orleans. I'm going on vacation to Maine on Saturday, and I'm definitely looking forward to that. Sometimes it helps to get away for a while and have a change of scenery. I am kind of worried about being in such close quarters for a few days with my parents, though, because I'm afraid that I'll end up eating too much since they will be sort of watching me. I won't be able to exercise either since we're staying in a cabin-like thing and not a hotel with a gym. I wish we were going to be at a hotel with a gym. I'll just have to take walks or something at night. I think we are going to the beach for at least one day, too, so I can do a lot of walking then, too. Okay, I need to stop obsessing and try to get some sleep because I have to work for a while tomorrow and then I have to spend the rest of the day packing and getting the dogs ready to go to the kennel while we are gone. (They love the kennel, it's like going to camp for them!) I'm sorry that I just rambled on and on. I hope that you are doing better.