Afraid to change *trigger*
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Afraid to change *trigger*
| Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:46am |
I'm really tempted to just accept my eating problems lately. I know that sounds really horrible, but it is how I feel, and it really makes me feel better to admit it. I'm beginning to realize that in a lot of ways, I don't want to change. In some ways, I'm embarrassed and ashamed about the way that I feel, but in other ways, I feel like it's my choice because it's my body. I guess that in some ways, it is my choice, but at the same time, I'm not sure that my eating problems are really making me happy. You know? I guess that I'm just really confused. Thanks for letting me share how I feel.

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http://www.ivillagehealth.com/library/nwh/content/0,4482,215912_227065,00.html
Keep posting any thoughts and feelings, Hugs, Michelle
Edited 8/12/2004 4:58 pm ET ET by gypsyoflove
The thing is - I'm not even skinny enough to be anorexic, and I hate that. As horrible as it sounds, I wish that I were skinny enough to be considered anorexic. I have this burning desire to "work on it," to try to achieve it. Sometimes I feel like I just want attention. I've been spending a lot of time looking up pro-anorexia websites lately, and I've also been following the Mary-Kate Olsen news stuff about her being anorexic. I've started looking up pictures of her and comparing her to Ashley, seeing if she really does look thinner. I want to be just like Mary-Kate. I heard somewhere that she is 5'2" and weighs 86 lbs. She's so tiny. I'm 5'8" and I weigh 135 right now! It's horrible. I absolutely hate myself.
I haven't been able to eat yet today - I've mostly just been exercising, doing chores around the house, and sleeping to avoid it. I'm going shopping with my parents, though, and I'm sure they are going to want to get something to eat afterwards. I wish that food wasn't even around to tempt me! I'm such a pig - I give in way too often. I really need to change, really need to lose weight. Sometimes I feel like I just can't stand myself anymore, you know?
Thanks so much for letting me vent and share how I feel. I know that a lot of it is probably really disturbing, but I don't really know where else to go or who else to talk to.
You are not over weight. Not at all. I use to go to the sites of underweight people too, but it just pulls you in farther and distorts your thoughts of yourself. Go to www.somethingfishy.org they have chats and info, q&a, all kinds of cool stuff.
Hugs, Michelle
Edited 8/12/2004 6:58 pm ET ET by gypsyoflove
Hey Stardoll,
I so agree with Michelle - you are NOT overweight. That is ED talking and it is typical for people with EDs to have a distorted view of their own bodies. And I agree that the somethingfishy site woud be
Love & hugs, Kristina
Thanks again for everything!
I'm so happy that I have a really busy day tomorrow. I hope that I don't have any time to eat or feel hungry. I know it sounds horrible, but sometimes I just feel like I could starve to death, and it wouldn't be such a bad thing. It's a scary feeling, and I don't really understand it.
Thanks for letting me share - it definitely makes me feel less alone.
Something you might want to journal about is why you want to be that thin? Is it a need to disappear or a need for attention (I believe you mentioned the latter in your earlier post). Then go from there. If you want to disappear, try to figure out why. If you want attention, try to figure out some healthier ways to get it.
Just a thought...and I am not saying that all this is easy. :)
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
I've been where you are...That being said, you might feel like right now your weight and being "thinner" is the most important thing in your life. Your LIFE is the most important thing. Are you happy now? Do you think you'll be happy if you lose more weight? You need to refocus all that unhappy energy on changing what is ultimately making you unhappy. Get rid of all those stressors and regroup. Start all over with your likes, dislikes and goals and find a place where you'll be happy. Trust me honey, you won't be happy ending up in a hospital hooked up to feeding tubes and forced weigh ins. You need to stop thinking that "thinner" is the only happy place, find an actual happy place and heal your mind, your good body image WILL follow eventually I promise.
Good luck to you.
Living with an ED is definitely harder... life has so much to offer. Getting better SUCKS i know, i was there and I am there now... but you, me and tons of other women out there can do it... yes you can!!! So believe me, when i say, you can be ED free and you will DEFINITELY be happier... I have been there.
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