Afraid to change *trigger*

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Afraid to change *trigger*
18
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:46am
I'm really tempted to just accept my eating problems lately. I know that sounds really horrible, but it is how I feel, and it really makes me feel better to admit it. I'm beginning to realize that in a lot of ways, I don't want to change. In some ways, I'm embarrassed and ashamed about the way that I feel, but in other ways, I feel like it's my choice because it's my body. I guess that in some ways, it is my choice, but at the same time, I'm not sure that my eating problems are really making me happy. You know? I guess that I'm just really confused. Thanks for letting me share how I feel.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 4:45pm
I totally know what you're saying. It seems much easier to just accept ED than it is to improve ED or to change ED. It is normal to have a roller coaster of feelings during recovery. Have you been journaling? Even though it does seem easier to accept it at this time, remember in the long run it will only get more difficult.

http://www.ivillagehealth.com/library/nwh/content/0,4482,215912_227065,00.html

Keep posting any thoughts and feelings, Hugs, Michelle


Edited 8/12/2004 4:58 pm ET ET by gypsyoflove

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 5:32pm
Thanks so much for replying to me. Your kindness and compassion mean a great deal to me. I'm feeling really alone and depressed lately, and it helps a lot to have nice women like you who understand and can offer support.

The thing is - I'm not even skinny enough to be anorexic, and I hate that. As horrible as it sounds, I wish that I were skinny enough to be considered anorexic. I have this burning desire to "work on it," to try to achieve it. Sometimes I feel like I just want attention. I've been spending a lot of time looking up pro-anorexia websites lately, and I've also been following the Mary-Kate Olsen news stuff about her being anorexic. I've started looking up pictures of her and comparing her to Ashley, seeing if she really does look thinner. I want to be just like Mary-Kate. I heard somewhere that she is 5'2" and weighs 86 lbs. She's so tiny. I'm 5'8" and I weigh 135 right now! It's horrible. I absolutely hate myself.

I haven't been able to eat yet today - I've mostly just been exercising, doing chores around the house, and sleeping to avoid it. I'm going shopping with my parents, though, and I'm sure they are going to want to get something to eat afterwards. I wish that food wasn't even around to tempt me! I'm such a pig - I give in way too often. I really need to change, really need to lose weight. Sometimes I feel like I just can't stand myself anymore, you know?

Thanks so much for letting me vent and share how I feel. I know that a lot of it is probably really disturbing, but I don't really know where else to go or who else to talk to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 6:58pm
Honey,

You are not over weight. Not at all. I use to go to the sites of underweight people too, but it just pulls you in farther and distorts your thoughts of yourself. Go to www.somethingfishy.org they have chats and info, q&a, all kinds of cool stuff.

Hugs, Michelle


Edited 8/12/2004 6:58 pm ET ET by gypsyoflove

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 9:28pm

Hey Stardoll,


I so agree with Michelle - you are NOT overweight. That is ED talking and it is typical for people with EDs to have a distorted view of their own bodies. And I agree that the somethingfishy site woud be

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 9:40pm
I've heard of www.somethingfishy.org, but I've never actually gone to the site. I guess that I've been too busy seeking out eating disorder "secrets" on the pro-anorexia sites. I'll go check out the site that you suggested, though. I've heard that it's a good site, and that it focuses on recovery.

Thanks again for everything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:28pm
I wish that I could see myself as not being overweight, or even as just being normal. But I just can't seem to. I know that the pro-anorexia websites can be really bad for people who are struggling with eating disorders, and it's probably even worse that I've picked an anorexic "role model" to try to follow like Mary-Kate. Obviously, I don't know her personally and don't really know anything about her, but I doubt that she would want other girls to follow her example and go through the same pain that she is going through. I know that I wouldn't if I were in her situation. I'm not saying that she should be embarrassed or ashamed, though, that there are probably a lot of other girls who want to be like her. It's definitely my problem that I want to be like her; it's not her fault.

I'm so happy that I have a really busy day tomorrow. I hope that I don't have any time to eat or feel hungry. I know it sounds horrible, but sometimes I just feel like I could starve to death, and it wouldn't be such a bad thing. It's a scary feeling, and I don't really understand it.

Thanks for letting me share - it definitely makes me feel less alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:37pm

Something you might want to journal about is why you want to be that thin? Is it a need to disappear or a need for attention (I believe you mentioned the latter in your earlier post). Then go from there. If you want to disappear, try to figure out why. If you want attention, try to figure out some healthier ways to get it.


Just a thought...and I am not saying that all this is easy. :)

Love & hugs, Kristina


The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.

Love & hugs, Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 11:52pm
Wow!! We are soo much alike!! I also am not skinny enough to be considered anorexic, but for some reason I do wish I was!! Like you said, just to see if I could do it. Also, I too have been following the MK story!! It makes me soo jealous and I too would like to look like her. I also am alllways comparing her and Ashley trying to see if she really is smaller. Like you said, I too give in waaay to much! It's so frustrating!! I also take birth control pills and it seems like they are making me gain weight, which really is freaking me out!! Well, hopefully we can help eachother since we are so alike. Feel free to leave me messages on here or email me caitlin_mf@hotmail.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 1:13am
Sweetie,

I've been where you are...That being said, you might feel like right now your weight and being "thinner" is the most important thing in your life. Your LIFE is the most important thing. Are you happy now? Do you think you'll be happy if you lose more weight? You need to refocus all that unhappy energy on changing what is ultimately making you unhappy. Get rid of all those stressors and regroup. Start all over with your likes, dislikes and goals and find a place where you'll be happy. Trust me honey, you won't be happy ending up in a hospital hooked up to feeding tubes and forced weigh ins. You need to stop thinking that "thinner" is the only happy place, find an actual happy place and heal your mind, your good body image WILL follow eventually I promise.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 10:04am
Sweetie... trust me, it is easier living without your ED. I have lived with an ED, and without and ED (currently I am living with an ED... soon to hopefully be living without again). I was anorexic from 13-17, and then ED free for 5.5 years, until I developed bulimia about 2 years ago. I have since been battling it with therapy and now with antidepressants.

Living with an ED is definitely harder... life has so much to offer. Getting better SUCKS i know, i was there and I am there now... but you, me and tons of other women out there can do it... yes you can!!! So believe me, when i say, you can be ED free and you will DEFINITELY be happier... I have been there.

Pages