Afraid to change *trigger*

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Afraid to change *trigger*
18
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:46am
I'm really tempted to just accept my eating problems lately. I know that sounds really horrible, but it is how I feel, and it really makes me feel better to admit it. I'm beginning to realize that in a lot of ways, I don't want to change. In some ways, I'm embarrassed and ashamed about the way that I feel, but in other ways, I feel like it's my choice because it's my body. I guess that in some ways, it is my choice, but at the same time, I'm not sure that my eating problems are really making me happy. You know? I guess that I'm just really confused. Thanks for letting me share how I feel.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 10:34am
stardoll, even with what i've been through in the past couple weeks, recovery is better. all i have to do is look back to certain days when i was deep into my eating disorder, and the memory of all that unhappiness and pain and hunger i felt is still so strong that i know getting better is the right thing. thank you again for your encouragement in my thread about slipping. some days are hard, but isn't every day hard living with your eating disorder? in recovery, some days are so good it's unbelievable. and they physical strength you have after a few weeks of eating properly is incredible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 2:30pm
I do journal a lot about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about. I have a book that I call my "feelings journal" and I just write down everything that comes into my head, no matter how terrible it sounds or how embarrassed or ashamed I am about it. It has helped a lot, but I'm still not really sure why I feel like disappearing or why I want more attention. I guess that I'll just have to keep at it, and hope that something comes to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 2:39pm
The thing is, I do think that I would be happier if I lost a lot of weight. I get this feeling of euphoria when I starve myself. I feel like I'm special somehow, like I'm doing something that a lot of other people don't have the willpower to do, or that they don't have the guts to do. I know that it sounds like I'm judging people, but I don't mean to. This is really about me, not about them, and I realize that. But I will admit that I feel jealous and triggered when I see a skinny, pretty girl, and I feel somewhat superior when I see a girl that is bigger than me. I don't want to see people like that, though. I don't want the first thing that I notice about them to be their weight. I feel horrible when I feel like the first thing or the only thing someone notices about me is that I'm not skinny. I'm a normal weight - 135 lbs at 5'8", but it seems huge to me, and I just can't lose the mindset that I would be so much happier if I were skinny, if I were perfect.

I'm sorry that I've just sort of rambled on here. Thanks so much for replying to me. I definitely appreciate your kindess and your support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 2:43pm
Thanks for your kind words and your encouragement. I definitely appreciate it. I'm taking anti-depressants, too, but I've never been in therapy. I took Zoloft on and off for about a year, but now I'm switched over to Prozac. What kind of anti-depressant are you taking? You don't have to tell me if you feel that it's too private, I'll understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 2:48pm
Thanks for the sweet reply - I definitely appreciate your advice and your words of wisdom. I'm just so afraid. I can't bring myself to eat anything today, at least not yet. I'm scared that once I start eating, I won't be able to stop. I don't even want to admit to myself that I'm hungry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 2:54pm
You may want to give therapy a try..... As you already know anti-depressants make problems more tolerable, but do not fix them. If you cannot afford therapy, call around. Different therapist can refer you to affordable groups or even private therapy. somethingfishy.org has a list of therapists. Consider giving therapy a try.

Hugs, Michelle

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 3:01pm
Oh I almost forgot... You did mention a fear of binging right? You get so hungry that you are afraid if you eat you can't stop?

The best for that is to eat little but often. 3 small meals and 3 snacks a day. The snacks can be healthy ones like carrots and a handful of walnuts.... remember the fat in nuts is the healthy fat. it burns right off, so please do not fear eating. You need protien and overall nutrition. I wound up in the ER 2 x in the last year for a low potassium level which totally freaked out my heart.

Please take care of yourself!

Hugs, Michelle

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 3:03pm
Well, when I get back to college at the end of the month, I could look into therapy there. It's free since I'm a student and I'm paying tuition. I'm just afraid that they are going to call up my parents, though. I don't ever want my parents to know about this. I think that it would make things a lot worse. I can't be anorexic anyway since I'm not underweight. I feel like it's this exclusive club that I'm never going to be able to be a member of. That sounds crazy, but it kind of makes sense to me.

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