delurking... again... :(
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| Tue, 08-17-2004 - 3:26pm |
I've posted here before, but went back to lurking. Lets see... I guess I'm a classic bulimic. Every time I read a "warning signs" or "symptoms" list for bulimia I just shake my head. I can't believe its me. Infact, I'm posting under an assumed name because I'm so afraid of what my other iVillage friends would say if they knew. It's like I'm in denial, but I'm not. Does that make sense?
I come here everyday and read the posts and am in just shock and awe that there are so many of "us" out there. I do all the things you all do and can't understand it. The weirdest thing is, I KNOW what I'm doing here. I KNOW I'm bulimic, I KNOW it's unhealthy... but I find myself caught in the cycle. I'm also an athlete... not real competitive or anything, just do it for me... like run 5Ks and other running/biking/swimming events. Walk away with a t-shirt and maybe a door prize, but I'm no first prize winner or anything. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well athletically.
So anyway... the last time I was here (it's been months) I told my bf about my situation and started to see a therapist. She was supposed to know something about ED. She knew NOTHING. God it was annoying. During our last session she said... so, this throwing up thing... you're not doing that anymore are you? Like I said... that was my last session. I think that was mid-May.
So then I decided that I could cure myself. I knew when I started that it was a joke, but I "tried". Quit purging for a while, never stopped binging... although the time between binges was much longer than had been previously. That lasted a few weeks to a month or so, gained some weight, freaked out, started starving myself. Couldn't manage the hunger, so I binged and purged and so the cycle goes and I'm up to 2-3 times per day now.
During the time that I wasn't b/p and wasn't starving myself, life was miserable... at least my relationship with people in my life was miserable. It's like I can't manage or handle anything unless I'm managing to b/p and starve. Now that I'm back at it, life is good on the outside. Although I'm destroying myself on the inside. It's a painful catch22.
Then this past weekend I watched a movie on Lifetime about Helen Hart, a marathon runner, that was bulimic. The movie was called Dying for Perfection, I think. It was weird... I could see myself in so many of her situations. I've been through 3 counselors now... none of whom could help me... or so I convinced myself and anyone who asked. She did that too. She hid food, so do I. She downplayed her ED, she'd plan her b/p times, and I do all that too. It was like you could have put my face in that movie in so many parts.
So I guess I need help. I'm not willing to admit that fully yet, although I finally called an ED clinic today... left a message with the therapist, and am expecting a call back from her tomorrow. Don't know what I'm going to say, or if I"m going to do it, but I guess that's a step in the right direction. I wonder if I'll chicken out when she calls back.
Anyway... just wanted to get all this out. Thanks for the space.
Rayah

Calling an ED clinic is a huge step in the right direction. I am so proud of you!!!!
The denial makes sense... many of us deny ED. Also thinking we are ready to handle it on our own is common as well. I went through that for many years. Since you made it this far, I know you won't chicken out when she calls back (o:
It is easy to fall in a rut when you see a counselor that knows nothing about ED. When I first started therapy last year I saw 2 therapists that knew nothing about ED. The second one knew absolutely nothing about ED, and was asking me to explain it to him! I finally found a clinic in December of last year that specializes in several things, one of them being ED and all I can say is WOW what a difference. I did stop going in March, but am thinking of calling them back. They did absolutely nothing wrong... I just felt I could handle everything on my own.
Sorry I tend to ramble, lol. I do want you to know you are doing the right thing. Please come back anytime and post or vent or whatever, okay?
Hugs, Michelle
Thanks Michelle, for such a quick response. And you didn't ramble.
I just don't know that I'm ready to "give it up"... if that makes any sense whatsoever! I always think, as soon as I reach my goal weight, I'll stop. But I don't ever reach that goal and I wonder if its a subconsious thing... like I know when I reach my goal, I'll have to stop, so if I don't reach my goal, I'll never have to stop. It seems to be my drug, my defense mechanism, my coping mechanism, my way of managing stress, anxiety, and life. I feel like if "they" take IT away from me, then I'm going to have to feel again. UGH. Don't wanna do that now!
The therapist that finally helped Helen, in the movie I watched, asked her... what's the payoff? At first Helen wouldn't answer... but then she said the exact same thing I would have said... they payoff is that she doesn't have to feel. She literally eats away her feelings. Instead of feeling, she eats and eats and then purges and then the feelings of stress, embarrassment, hurt, from the b/p are the only feelings that need to be dealt with.
And when I start eating... it's like I'm completely out of control and outside myself. I'm sure I could stop... if I really wanted to... but like I said... it's my drug... so I don't stop, and I really don't want to. I just keep going and think, it doesn't matter... I'll just get rid of it, no problem. And every time it gets easier and easier and easier. And now I'm purging multiple times each day, each time justifying it, needing to do it, and unwilling to say no.
Okay, now I'm rambling. Guess I needed to get a few things out of my head. Thanks again.
Rayah
When you get the b/p urge change your train of thought.... stand outdoors, read, wash the floor, watch a comedy, write in your journal, color, draw...
I really can relate to what you're saying though... as I said I need to see my therapist again too.... it is a scary thing to do....change. But it is such a positive step!
Huge hugs, Michelle
right now I am CRAVING this fat free sugar free chocolate fruit jello pudding cake I made last night. I've already had some today and feel guilty. I so much want to go upstairs and eat the entire thing to satisfy my craving and then get rid of it so I don't have the calories. You say to change your thoughts, do something else. So I'm hiding down here on the computer, but I can't stop THINKING about it. I can do other things, but I can't get it off my mind. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
Rayah...I'm right there with you. I keep thinking when I reach my goal weight I'll stop. But no matter how much I weigh, I still don't like my body, so I keep binging to satisfy my cravings and purging to get rid of the calories. Even though I don't b/p everyday, I struggle EVERY DAY.
Sherri
Sherri
expecting baby girl#4 on 9/9/09
mom to Savana (8), Trinity (5) and Miranda (3)
I am sorry )o:
I can give you the titles to 4 of the books that my therapist suggested for me, don't know if they will be of any help to you:
Wherever You Go There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn
Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell, Ph.D.
Nutrition Counseling in the Treatment of Eating Disorders by Marcia Herrin
Wasted by Marya Hornbacher
Hi Rayah,
I agree with Michelle, calling the ED clinic is a huge step. And I know trying to find the right therapist can be very difficult, but don't let your past experiences encourage you. When you do find the right one, and that may be at the clinic, it will make a huge difference. That starve/binge/purge cycle you are in sounds all too familiar, but there is a way out.
Let us know what the therapist at the clinic says.
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
Thank you Kristina.
I just got a call back from the therapist at the clinic. She was really nice and actually took time to talk to me for about 20 minutes or so. Got a little back ground, told me what to expect, etc. I made my appointment for an evaluation for September 1st at 8:00 a.m. She had a spot open for next week, the 25th, I think, but when she said "next week" I freaked. The evaluation will take 2 hours. I'm pretty scared about it, actually. But at least I have two weeks to get myself mentally prepared. She said that she's sending a packet of information to help prepare me. It will have some of the questions she'll ask, so I don't feel attacked the day of the evaluation. I thought that was considerate.
I told her about the board and about how I wasn't sure if I was ready for treatment yet. She said that talking to others and seeking out help is a good thing and a big step. Whew. I thought she'd be negative about it for some reason. She also said its normal to not feel "ready" but the fact that I made the call, on my own, was a good indication that maybe I am getting pretty close.
God, I'm scared. As soon as I got off the phone I hit the candy box at work. Ugh. Stupid, cause I know I won't keep it down. Trying to take a deep breath and get through this anxiety.
Thanks again...
Rayah
Hey, don’t beat yourself up about the candy and DO try to keep it down. It’s somewhat of a ‘normal’ response for people with Eds. One thing you can keep in mind that might help you with your anxiety is that even if you start therapy, nobody can make you change, make you give up purging, make you eat, etc. Ultimately I hope that you will, but it’s in YOUR time and when YOU are ready.
Love & hugs, Kristina
Thanks Kristina. The therapist reassured me that she wouldn't ever tell me that I can or can not do anything as it relates to my ED. She even said that it's common for those that start therapy for their ED to get worse before it gets better... at least until I learn other healthy coping mechanisms. That was good to know, because if it gets worse, I'd probably assume that it's not working and give up.
I didn't manage to keep that candy down that day, but yesterday was probably the best day I've had in a really long time. I kept myself busy, didn't binge, and only purged one time... and it really wasn't much. Infact, I told myself, this is stupid... you ate well all day... this just isn't necessary. I guess it's a step in the right direction.
I'm still taking too many pills (laxatives, water pills, diet pills), but I'm trying to take it one step at a tme and not overwhelm myself into failure. Only 8 more days until my first therapy session... trying not to overwhelm myself with that either.
Rayah