Just got back from Maine - update

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Just got back from Maine - update
2
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 11:09pm
I just got back from vacation in Maine. I ate well, but didn't binge so I am pretty proud of myself. I still definitely feel fat, but at least I didn't overeat, even though normal eating really feels like overeating to me sometimes. I'm really worried that I'll lapse back into my usual behavior now that I'm home, though. I'm already starting to think about how I should walk as much as possible tomorrow and how I should try not to eat. I'm just so angry at myself for not being skinny, for not being perfect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:20am
Dearest-

Anyone who can quote Sylvia Plath is more than worthy of some serious attention (wink)- she is one of my all-time favorite poets/great minds, hence it put a smile on my face that we share this like appreciation for exceptional artistry.

To respond to your posting, what an accomplishment to have taken relatively "better" care of yourself while you were away- that takes a tremendous amount of wisdom and courage, in spite of the fact that feeling/behaving "normally" can be a terribly scary thing. The important thing to remember (of which I, too, have to constantly remind myself in order to keep afloat) is that the happiness, perfection and other self-gratifying feelings that you're so desperately trying to grasp upon will not manifest themselves in your life once you reach a particular weight; contrary to what your eating disorder self constantly shouts at you, the lower you let yourself go, the more miserable, imperfect and undeserving you will feel. Things *DO NOT* get better once you reach rock-bottom, they become a matter of simply whether or not you have the will/want to contribute to and relish the world badly enough. You have to trust me when I say that you will probably never feel skinny enough, that you will never see yourself as such even if you looked like the most thin of thin concentration camp victims; it's not what you see in the mirror but those thoughts and feelings that you store tightly in your heart that need to be addressed/dealt with so that you can move on with your life and become that much more of a strong, powerful woman with a wonderful story to tell. On a personal note, I am an avid scholar who loves to learn, yet the more I learn the more frustrated I become/imperfect I feel for not knowing as much as I think I should by my standards; however, at this point in my life, instead of shutting out the world by resorting to eating disorder thoughts, I choose to accept the challenge and potential for growth that every day brings. I want to be here so that I can continue to learn, as opposed to opting for something that only takes me further and further away from my goals. For the sake of ourselves, LET'S BEAT THIS THING and remember that there's so much life to live at the end of the tunnel. People are not remembered for being thin, but for what they contribute. Please keep in touch- I couldn't encourage you enough. All the best...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:41am
Thanks for replying to me! Your advice is very helpful, and I definitely appreciate your input and your support. It's just so hard to change my mindset. I just can't see myself as anything other than FAT. When something goes wrong for me, I always end up thinking, "Well, at least I can control what I eat, right? At least I change the outside, even if I can't fix the inside." At some level, I know that my feelings and my line of thought is irrational, but that's not enough to stop me.