New here...(poss. triggers)
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New here...(poss. triggers)
| Sat, 08-21-2004 - 1:07pm |
Hi everyone, I'm new to the board. I also post on the Self-Injury, Depression, and Borderline Personality Disorder boards (yup, I'm a crazy one! hehe!) My name is Samantha, I'm 23, married with two kids, full time student. Right now I'm 5'6 and 161lbs. Recently I had a miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy and gained about 5lbs. I was bulimic in high school. Not like full-blown, binge/purge, but just if I felt bad about something I ate I would purge it. Well, just as my self-injury, this ED has begun to resurface. I feel the presence of 'Mia' everywhere I go, telling me what to eat and what not to eat, and berating me if I eat something that I shouldn't. Again, I'm not binging, I've never done that. Then again, eating normally feels like binging to me. For instance, we had an overnight guest, so I made waffles this morning. I ate three and felt so horrible that after DH and his friend left for their golf tournament, I ran to the bathroom and purged for about twenty minutes. I didn't get even close to everything up so now I feel even worse than I did right after I realized how much I had eaten. I feel like such a fatA**. I feel gross and disgusting, undesirable. It certainly doesn't help that this weekend is 'move-in' weekend for the new freshmen coming in, so all I heard last night between DH and his friend was talk of skinny, hot 18-year-old girls with big boobs and perfect butts and their cute little bellies showing and their super-low pants. I feel awful. A few minutes ago I ate two handfuls of reduced fat cheese crackers and feel so yucky. Oh, after DH's golf tournament, his friend's wife and kids are coming over. The youngest is only three months, but all I've heard about her is how hot she is and how you can't even tell she's had a baby. Last night I told DH that I'd had gone out to a local sub place for lunch and he looked at my butt and said, "Yeah, I see..." He does know how I feel about myself and about my struggles with ED, he's just insensitive and doesn't think. Well, thanks for letting me vent even though I'm new. I hope to get to know all of you. Samantha


Hi Samantha,
I am sorry you are going through all this but you came to the right place. You will get tons of support here. I would also suggest going to see a therapist if you are not doing so already. EDs, depression, SI, etc. are all very hard to deal with and virtually impossible to overcome on your own.
Please try to stop the negative self-talk as well. Your thoughts lead to actions and feelings. The more negative thoughts you have and the more negative things you say about yourself, the worse you will feel. Go check out our community web page (link above) and also www.somethingfishy.org.
Don't listen to your husband and his friend. Personally I think your husband is being totally inconsiderate and insensitive. Even if you didn't have an ED or other issues, those are inappropriate things to talk about as a married man...whether you are around or not. I hope that you can talk to him and point out how inappropriate he is being and ask him to stop - at least when you are in the room.
Love & hugs, Kristina
The opinions I have expressed here are from my own experience and are not intended as medical advice or to take the place of your own physician's advice.
Love & hugs, Kristina
It always amazes me that I'm not alone in this struggle. I don't know why. I do a lot of the same behaviors as you do... although I often binge. But even when I eat "normally" I feel like it was too many calories or something and I get rid of it.
I can also relate to the comments of your husband bothering you. My BF tries to be more sensitive now because he knows about my bulimia, but before it was so horrible to listen about how hot this chick or that chick is. Ugh. And now, he'll say things, mostly not thinking. I wish he understood how those things beat on my self esteem. Have you told your DH about your problems? The web site that Kristina suggested has a section for friends/family of those with EDs and how to deal with it. My boyfriend read it this weekend and said it helped him a lot.
Rayah